Personality Disorders

» mkinoly - Is my partner NPD?

Hi everyone. Just joined here. I may have to post this in a couple parts, so forgive me if I cut off suddenly.

I am in a relationship with a woman (yes, we are lesbians) who I believe has NPD. Perhaps she has something else, or maybe she's "normal" and I'm just totally reading her wrong (which is what she always tells me). So those of you with experience with an N, please read my post and let me know what you think.

She just does not seem to care about me and my feelings. If I express that something about us is bothering me she gets very defensive and blaming, which I don't react well to, so we fight.

She often doesn't answer the questions I ask, or answers them with another question, turning the conversation around to me. She will either not answer a point blank, simple question or she'll start talking about something else.

She's very self-absorbed and in her own little world. You'd think we weren't even a couple the way she acts and presents herself to the world.

She talks about herself constantly and can seemingly go forever without realizing I might be considered. I once decided not to talk about myself and my daily happenings for three days, and she never once asked about me or noticed I wasn't sharing anything. When I told her about it she said it wasn't true, that she did ask.

She keeps all her stuff separate from mine. The food in the cupboard, in the fridge, her clothes, her laundry, her mail, her business. I asked her why she's so separate (we live together) and she just blows it off.

If I point out something she's done that I wish she hadn't done (like leave the front door unlocked while everyone was gone all day) she just gets irritated with me and reminds me of the one time I only locked the bottom lock, not the deadbolt, or she'll say she did lock it (who unlocked it? the dog?) like I'm lying.

She constantly tells me I'm "too sensitive". Yes, I am sensitive and consider myself a "highly sensitive person". Other people I've been in relationships with think it's a good trait and we learn how to get along. She has not respect for my feelings and just argues about how it's my fault I'm hurt because I'm too sensitive (I think anybody would be hurt, because she can be very cruel and thoughtless).

I regret the day I revealed to her that I have depression. I had been off meds for a couple years, but after a year with her I had to go back on because I was completely depressed and anxious with her constantly messing with my mind and heart. She likes to use my depression against me and blame me for our problems because I'm "sick". Well, I've had depression my whole life and I've never had these problems before!

She can go 3 days (that I know of) without a shower, and wears dirty clothes sometimes or clothes with dog fur all over them. Her laundry piles up.

She almost always wears all black and will wear sunglasses even when nobody else is. She says it's a metaphysical thing with the black, that it's all the colors of the rainbow in one. But she also says she wants to project a persona of "don't mess with me" and she honestly thinks she looks really cool. Almost like she's stuck in the '80s or something. She's 56 years old, quite overweight, and does not look cool presenting herself like that. I think alot of people view her as an eccentric, older woman to be tolerated.

She will lie to my face about undeniable facts. Things that happened or were said just a few minutes before are twisted or denied. It drives me insane, but then it's my fault because I dared to speak to her in the first place.

She does not contribute to the household chores. We've lived in this house 11 months now and she has never done a communal chore, like vacuum, clean the bathroom, etc. I think she mowed part of the lawn 3 times this past season. When I asked her to contribute she said why should she, she's hardly ever here anyway. Says she cleans up after herself and that's enough. Well that's not even true... she'll leave garbage sitting on the kitchen counter for days on end even though the garbage can is right there. If she does dishes, she'll just wash the ones she dirtied, or more likely just some of those, and leave the ones I or my daughter created. I always wash all the dishes, including hers. Of course, everybody would! You share a household! I don't get it...

Ok, I guess I should close now. Man, that felt good getting all that down. I'm sure I'll have more later. Anyway, if some of you could please comment on some of the points I made or just in general, I would really appreciate it. It gives me some comfort thinking maybe she has a disorder and can't "help it" in a way. It will also give me something to focus on when I end the relationship (it's almost over already).

-- posted by mkinoly

» curious296 - Is my partner NPD?

In response to Is my partner NPD? posted by mkinoly:

Hi mkinoly! Welcome to the site! Just got thru reading your posts and I definitely think your girlfriend exhibits some N personality traits if she's not just a full blown narcissist. Everything you said I have been thru with my N exboyfriend. I can relate the constant blaming. Everything that happened to my N was his fault. Also, the defensiveness you mentioned is common too--been thru that as well. I too, was "too sensitive" (this was after I reacted to his cheating--I WAS TOO SENSITIVE. Can you believe the nerve of them? The thing that you said that resignated with me the most was the part about never asking you about your day. I tried that same trick--to not say anything about it to see if they ask---he never did. Also, I too made the mistake of letting my N know that I had a few issues. What did he do?--blame everything that happened on my issues.

So, to answer your question, yes I think your partner is narcisisstic, unfortunately. But you are in the right place for help and support. The people on here are great! I never thought of all places I would receive the bulk of my emotional support on a blog--but it works!!! Keep blogging!!

--curious

-- posted by curious296

» curious296 - Is my partner NPD?

In response to Is my partner NPD? posted by mkinoly:

I realized that i missed the last paragraph in your email: Yes, realizing that she is N will give you some comfort. But she CAN help the way she acts if she WANTS to--anyone can get help if they want it. They dont want it though. But since they are perfect in their eyes than they will never CHOOOSE to change.

-- posted by curious296