Personality Disorders

» redback - Physician, Heal Thyself

I'd really like the USA to take up the (2-day) Mental Health First Aid course in a big way. It was the most confronting but most valuable accredited, practical training I've ever done in increasing mental health literacy ie not just passive 'awareness'.

"...whether your words are intended to bring a different perspective or comfort..."

Basically, I'm here to give all you guys a cyber hug and to encourage you to at least start thinking about planning. I'm not telling you how to suck eggs nor when you've overstayed your victim's visa.

And a part of that is to get real about what you mean by 'denial' coz it means many different things. There's many dots to connect as you know but the person with NPD, BPD, BP etc is also in 'denial'. So, if you believe in your own denial...a part of that is getting to a point to believe your partner's beliefs are simply untrue or at the very least NOT owned by you.

People who buy whatever (smokes, grog, plasma TV, pay off a car etc etc) then blame the government if interest rates make it hard to pay the mortgage on their relatively expensive house they couldn't put a great deposit down on...are in some ...denial?

-- posted by redback

» justwokeup - Physician, Heal Thyself

Hi red,

*sigh* You're right on about the denial thing. Had another conversation with N last night. It had to happen; he's about to retire and we had to discuss pension investments, etc. It makes me nervous because he has a tendency to act like everything is *normal*. I won't bore you with the details, just suffice it to say it totally screwed with my head. Hence, your comments on denial are what I needed. In the end, I always come back to 'letting go' of him and his issues. I can't even fathom how his brain works, so it's no wonder that he cannot understand what I am saying, and we can never, NEVER solve our issues.

One of the things that I always knew about him, intuitively, was that he has some behaviors so thoroughly ingrained in him, that although they appear noble, I can feel in my gut that it is to keep everyone safe. I can feel that his inner wisdom knows that he could be dangerously out of control if he does not blindly follow certain habits, behaviors and rituals. I worry for his sake that the impending retirement will shake all that up.

Okay. I have nothing new to say. As we've stated before, all these labeled traits and issues, like 'denial' do exist within the spectrum of 'normal behavior'. Where they are on the spectrum, coupled with other traits and issues, are what comprise a normal person ... or disordered, borderline, neurotic ... and who is that 'all the time' and who is just having a tough period within an otherwise normal life. It's too tiresome and a bit scary to be thinking of that stuff all the time. I know, though, that I deserve to be treated better ...

BTW, I have an interview tomorrow, for a full time position! Yea! Wish me luck ...

just woke up

-- posted by justwokeup

» sotired46 - Physician, Heal Thyself

I like your description of his habits, behaviors and rituals to keep from going out of control. There were times when I could see my N barely able to contain himself and his bizarre behavior. Sometimes I really do think he retreated when it got really bad. I honestly believe that he is close to psychosis more often than not. Does anyone else have that feeling about their N?

-- posted by sotired46

» redback - best of luck

BTW, I have an interview tomorrow, for a full time position! Yea! Wish me luck"

It is already "tomorrow" here...4:45pm Wednesday. Best of luck...what job are you going for?

We're all told to trust our instincts, eh? Tis a boring truism: 'Fail to plan...plan to fail' and it applies to him too. Professional advice tells us that we need to plan our retirement at least 5 years beforehand and it worked for me. So, your plan is for him to have more time on his hands while you have far less...in your new job.

Actually, one of my sisters is really dreading her hubby's retirement and my youngest sister knows all about co-dependency. She's the far more regular breadwinner while he assumes regular (disastrous) decisionmaker. He has borderline personality disorder.

"I know, though, that I deserve to be treated better ..."

is a truism of the no-brainer variety.

-- posted by redback

» justwokeup - best of luck

Hi red,

It is a unit secretary position at a local hospital. You are correct: this is not just about the income, but about being out of the house. I worked a 35 hour week last year, took a class, and volunteered in a few things, so I had a full plate. Although I was resentful when I was informed on the first day of school (I work in a high school) that my hours were cut in half, I see how this worked in my favor. I had not signed up for any classes, thinking I'd be dealing with moving out, etc. For the first time in my adult life, I am not a volunteer in anything ... I have never had so much 'free' time in my life and I did not like it one bit. But, looking at how much I have grown and healed since August, it was all for the best. Hopefully, I'll start full time hours soon and sign up for at least one class in spring semester. I probably won't start volunteering again until my life is more stable.

N has always been a good provider and he has things lined up for additional income, when the pension checks start coming.

Most married people I know need to limit their 'togetherness'. I know a few men who started working from home and, just like you inferred, the women adjusted their schedules accordingly. It sounds harsh, but even the happiest couples need space, I think.

-- posted by justwokeup

» justwokeup - best of luck

Red?

Thanks for wishing me luck! That should have been the first thing out of my mouth!

just woke up

-- posted by justwokeup

» melc33 - Physician, Heal Thyself

Congrats on the interview Just! What a wonderful step forward. Empowerment can do great things for one's self esteem and can actually create a ripple effect to keep us moving forward.

I just wanted to say thak you to everyone as well. I have been reading the posts on and off and they have truly helped me begin to focus on changing the only thing that I can, me. Without this sight I think I would still be stuck in the blaming mode. Although, I feel it's important to understand the circumstances that I was in, I now realize that the next steps surround figuring out how "I" got myself there and how I can change myself to ensure that it does not happen again.

As was mentioned, I also am feeling at times that I really screwed up and now everyone will judge me, lable me, and there will be no hope for a future. I remember feeling this same way in my early twenties, when a bad relationship ended. Now I think to myself, wow if only I could go back to that point in time. At that point I still had so much opportunity, to choose a career, a relationship, and have children. Now I catch myself saying, the same things I told myself then. When this happens I try to remind myself that there is no better time than the present! I don't want to look back in another ten years and say, wow, if only I would have gotten it together when I was thirty. I guess, I was blaming the situation that I was in after the relationship ended, for not making the changes that I needed to move forward. I was scared. I am now pushing myself, to take charge and no longer feel hopeless because of what happened in the past. The past is gone. But preparing for the future and living in the present can be really hard..and as you guys have mentioned uncomfortable without all the drama. But I am hopeful that through this site and work on our own outside of it, we can all have a happier tommorrow. I hope you all haave a wonderful day!

-- posted by melc33

» joolz - Physician, Heal Thyself

Good luck Just!

Melc, I agree with what you're saying here. I personally found that taking responsibility for my own life has been one of the hardest parts. Its so much easier to say that you're life is this or that because of X, nothing to do with yourself of course. It is scary at first, but very empowering knowing that in the end you make your choices, its up to you whether you have a happy or unhappy life. Sure, people try and often succeed in medling with it, turning you upside down but you have to take your life by the scruff of the neck and say, "no more", this is my life and I'm damn well going to make the most of it.

You will have set backs, usually when you least expect it. The trick is to realise that the sooner you start reminding yourself of all the positive things you have going for you, the sooner you will shake it off. Its like a cold, if you indulge in it, it seems to last so much longer than if you refuse to let it beat you.

Don't be hard on yourself though Melc, we all make mistakes, just draw a line under it. Its good to work out where you have gone wrong but not to the point of self-deprecation. Just learn from it.

Good luck all

Joolz

-- posted by joolz

» redback - best of luck

Good on you!

I'm actually scaling back my volunteering, too. I think it's like burnout. You mentioned in another topic you're like a mum here...or something similar. You could almost be...my daughter.

-- posted by redback

» justwokeup - best of luck

Well, folks ... thanks for your well wishes, but the first words out of the interviewer's mouth was that the position was filled. He interviewed me anyway, saying that he'd keep it for future reference. I was bummed for about ten minutes but then decided that (1) the interview was good experience and (2) the best job is waiting for my application, so I need to get back to it.

Red: yeah ... I think you're right about the burnout thing. I am a team player. Unfortunately, volunteer organizations often have some frustrated, controlling people that just want a venue for bossing people around. I don't fight it, but I will step back from the committees they run. It just sucks the energy out of me like a Hoover. That's cool ... I'll be ready and raring to go soon enough.

I try to be less of a mother hen but sometimes it just gets the best of me. I apologize if it's misconstrued as being a 'know it all'. Let it be on record, I know I am just learning.

best wishes to all just woke up

-- posted by justwokeup