Personality Disorders

» prov31wanb - introduction

Hi, my name is Kimberley and I have been reading your discussions for a couple of weeks now, ever since I discovered my husband is an N. I am currently in the process of divorcing him and it is very painful. We have been married 17 years and have 5 chidren together, ages 15 down to 6. I filed on Sept 14 and asked him the week before to move out. Of course, he has not. We had mediation this week, and after a long arduous discussion, he agreed to move out on Nov. 30. My fear is that he has given the "impression of cooperation" all along, but has not really done anything at all to cooperate. So I am prepared for a battle to actually get him out...

In reading the other posts, I feel so understood like I have never been before. I have friends who are condemning me for doing this because it is not Biblical for me to initiate a divorce. I cannot explain how bad it is even though they have known it really for 10 years. They just don't have any idea of the magnitude or scope of the abuse and its affect on me AND my children.

I know this is the best thing, but I have so many doubts about my ability to get through it. And I am so fearful of him, I have nightmares. He is on his best behavior right now. I'm just afraid of what will happen when he realizes this IS indeed happening and i WILL enforce court orders, etc.

I have a counselor, a pastor, and lots of supportive friends, but I still feel so alone. Lving in the hosue with him is so painful, even if we have NO discussions. It's just plain wierd.......

THanks for being here and "listening".

-- posted by prov31wanb

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» justwokeup - introduction

In response to introduction posted by prov31wanb:

Welcome, prov ... people feel threatened when a marriage crumbles ... it's like they think it's contagious. You will grow and heal. It is a two-steps-forward-one-step-back sort of deal, but like a lot of religious people say: If God brought you to it, He'll bring you through it. Don't listen to the mere mortals that are spewing their interpretations as if they were God's word. You're a child of God as much as anybody else, and God talks to all of His children ... but not all of them listen. Be still and you'll hear the still, small voice ... you have people here that are empathetic but not judgmental ... we're sympathetic but we'll point it out when you're slipping under the hypnosis of your N.

I used to be a religious person, many years ago. Although I am not anymore, I am still spiritual. I believe that life is a gift and if you squander it, God as you know Him will be very disappointed. If you suffer in an abusive relationship and don't do what has to be done to end it, you will teach your children that life and marriage are trials and tribulations instead of the wonderful and sometimes challenging gifts God intended. So ... I am pleased to hear you have supportive people to help you deal with the well-intentioned but misled people that say divorce is not biblical. It's all in how you interpret it, because God sure didn't mean for you to trample all over the gifts He gave you, either.

More power to you.

-- posted by justwokeup

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» joolz - introduction

In response to introduction posted by prov31wanb:

Welcome Prov31wanb

I'm sorry to hear of your troubles but glad you're doing something about it now. I absolutely agree with what Justwokeup has said about those who say that its "not biblical", etc. Remember the words of your vows, didnt they say to have and to hold, to love and to cherish? Well, I'm pretty sure that your N has not kept his end of the bargain and has broken the contract he made with you. Marriage is not about endurance, its about love and support for each other, getting each other through hard times, etc, not bullying the other into what they want and ignoring their needs.

You just have to close your ears to those who are self righteous, they have no idea how this kind of behaviour crushes you and have no right to tell you what you must do.

You say he's agreed to leave on Nov 30, thats good news, at least you wont have to wait too long. Assuming he goes, you can get through it, I had to wait about 10 weeks before I could leave my home because I knew mine would never leave and it felt forever. I got through it, so can you. By the way, if he decides he's not going all of a sudden, please don't cave in and try to mend the relationship out of desparation, you mentioned that you were prepared to do battle with him, do whatever you have to do to get away from him.

Best of luck and stay strong.

Joolz

-- posted by joolz

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» prov31wanb - introduction

In response to introduction posted by joolz:

Thank you for the welcomes...this is such a rollercoaster. I know it is the right thing and since my love for him died years ago, this is easier and I do not feel any "withdrawawl" of any kind. I just want to be free. But then i start to doubt my own strength to stand up to him. He is so convincing. i just keep reading here and try to avoid contact as much as possible with him still living here.

Kimberley

-- posted by prov31wanb

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» joolz - introduction

In response to introduction posted by prov31wanb:

Hi again

I have to say that I understand your trepidation, I suppose its inevitable with this type. What I did, on the advice of a good friend, was everytime he started talking I said "la la la la la" in my head. I know it sounds daft and at first I didnt think it would work because I thought, you don't understand how this works, they get inside your head and you start doubting yourself and before you know it you feel like you're in the wrong or else you just cant win an argument because they are so persistent. It works, trust me, I would find myself listening and starting to feel bad and then remember "just say la la la la la, la la la, etc" inside my head while nodding and soon it would be over and guess what, I hadn't listened to a single toxic word spoken, amazing. As to standing up to him, not necessary, all that really matters is that you get away, winning arguments doesnt count. You stick to your story, you want out, that is it, it is over.

Now, I know at this point, you're going to say that well he's agreed to move out, what do I do if he refuses, i don't know the legal situation on getting him out, that may be impossible but if it does prove that way, for your own sake, i know you have five kids but I would still look at alternative accommodation rather than staying in that. It may take a little time to arrange and obviously highly inconvenient but do it, if you have to, its worth it.

I wish you the best of luck.

Joolz

-- posted by joolz

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» prov31wanb - introduction

In response to introduction posted by joolz:

Oh, I am not holding my breath that he will actually go when he agreed he would, but he DID sign the mediation document which is legally binding. I will ask my lawyer who I can call that night if he is not our. My document says "Nov. 30 at 5 PM" which is very specific. It also says he must have his possessions as well. That was my concession--if he was going to take that long, then he better take all his things, too. I want to clean the carpets, paint, redecorate, etc. I want to start over!

I think I'll be able to call the sheriff if he really wont go. I hope it doesn't come to that, but I'm willing to do it to maintain some boundaries.

Thanks for the words of support, this is a great place.

-- posted by prov31wanb

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