Personality Disorders

» kindheartedfool - Right or Wrong Next Steps To Take ?

Dear Everyone:
This is the first time I have been on this board in 2 years. 3 years after getting rid of my N..I am so happy. For some reason today I saw Suite 101 and had to check in. It was on this board that I pinpointed what THING I was living with and got rid of him. My N still calls after 3 years and new girl of course...they always try to contact old supply, but I still to this day employ the NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER rule. It works. I never answer the phone. Just wanted to post an old post of mine if it helps anyone..Good Luck...I know how it sucks but I am free. Kris

_____________________________________________
Post from a few years ago

That really opened my eyes and you wrote it so eloquently. Thank you. It helps in understanding more why I am so upset at myself for logically understanding he is toxic for me as a human being yet mourning a relationship that I ended because of such toxicity. I knew I hated the relationship and did nothing for the last two years of it knowing that I hated what was happening and then jumping back in with both feet because I felt so good at times. Keeping the relationship alive by saying to myself, see, its OK, he'll be nicer, stop lying, deceitful, etc. only to be hit in the butt over and over again. Someone had to stop the abuse and I did.
I haven't been drinking like an alcoholic, but I have had a little more lately because it does ease the pain, not being a coward, just want to feel numb at times. A few glasses of wine. I did something this weekend which I want to tell you about, but not on this thread. Not proud of myself, but I feel better and that's what I was trying to accomplish.
What hurts was just as I believe Climber said. As a normal individual we are just looking for happiness in a relationship and giving your all when you felt you found it, only to turn around to know that it was all a lie, an act, a fake, hurts like hell. Four years (and most others on this board MORE) of my life wasted on this bottom feeder, scumsucker.
We are all intelligent people here. I sometimes have a problem with that in myself. I feel, I am an intelligent woman, how the hell could I have been taken for such a nasty ride, but I was and I did, and he is one more up.
But as you posted, I could think it was a waste or .....
"Realize WHO we are actually grieving....stop displacing that feeling of loss on N and tell her "goodbye" once and for all."
I always said I did have some good times with him, and that is what it was, just some good times, now its over and I'm still the same nice, loveable me from before, before the man put a con on me, but with a chunk ripped out for the moment that I am feaverishly working at filling in.
Its crazy how much this one individual (mine was and is not very intelligent, never finished high school) can do so much to a good person. But as you said, I am letting him do that to me, and I know that.
Has to be me to say that and stop, even after the fact, letting his mean ways control my happiness.
Thank you.... Thank you from the bottom of my heart with the small chunk missing (almost repaired).
Kris

-- posted by kindheartedfool