Personality Disorders

» justwokeup - Feeling Rejected

In response to Feeling Rejected posted by goneforgood:

joolz is right, goneforgood ...

it's not about what she has that you don't ... it's about you taking care of yourself and her allowing herself to be victimized by him, again ...

justwokeup

-- posted by justwokeup

» goneforgood - Feeling Rejected

In response to Feeling Rejected posted by justwokeup:

Thank you just and joolz,
I just got home and read your replies and I can't tell you how much I appreciate your encouragement. You both seem to have alot of wisdom and truly contribute so much to this board. I know we are all on different paths,in different parts of the world but sometimes I feel like you all are sitting right in my living room listening to me. This site has been a blessing and I thank you for responding.

After waking up with those blues, I decided today to treat myself to a little shopping and a manicure-just make today about me. I feel good right now and I know I am in the right place although it seems tough.
I am going to keep going and know that the more time passes the easier the journey gets.

Have a good night. Thanks again for being there.

-- posted by goneforgood

» jfaith - NO CONTACT!!

In response to Acceptance posted by joolz:

Get away and have absolutely no contact... in the strictest sense. Hire a divorce attorney to get the ball rolling. These people never change, their prognosis is very poor. They cannot even comprehend your feelings let alone care for you or about you. If you cannot afford an attorney, look to your local government. Most counties have some sort of "legal aid".

Please, for your sanity and wellbeing, do not engage in further contact. It is nothing more than entertainment and boredom fullfilment/validation for the N. It is not about you. Remember that. And do what is right for YOU for once. Don't try to understand or navigate the N's motives or behaviors. Focus only on your own.

I wish you the best. I barely survived a marriage to a sociopath, and my first husband was a N. I have to work very hard myself to get out of the webs.

:o)

-- posted by jfaith

» joolz - NO CONTACT!!

In response to NO CONTACT!! posted by jfaith:

Welcome Jfaith

I'm with you on that post. You know, I sit here, night after night, reading the posts, trying to offer advice because until recently, I was still completely messed up with my past experience with what could be described as a text book N, if not a bit sociopathic (if the recognised traits are anything to go by). I still feel that I'm not out of the water though, how many times have I been here before, certainly not this strong or informed as I am now but I've sunk right back into the abyss many times over. I'm long past wanting to be with my ex N (not in a million years), I'm talking about the destruction it causes in your mind.

That is why I come on here every night, I just want to prevent someone, anyone from going through this to the extreme end. I still see my ex every week from about 100 metres, when I pick up my boys to take out, he always makes a point of staring at me, sometimes I pretend I didnt notice, other times I stare straight back as defiantly as I can. I still think ignoring is better, don't play into it, etc.

The thing is, you're right that in the end, we have to shift our focus away from them and back to us. What do we want, what do we need, what is right for us. Forget what they say they want, you know you can't believe anything they say anyway. If there is no room for you in a relationship, its no good, dead simple. We know what is unreasonably demanding, our Ns are a great example of it, we don't do that, we just ask for normal stuff. F*** them!

Take care everyone, see you tomorrow!

Joolz

-- posted by joolz

» justwokeup - Right or Wrong Next Steps To Take ?

In response to Right or Wrong Next Steps To Take ? posted by nobodygirl:

=( I am sorry that you are so sad but it's a good thing that you cannot turn back time ... you'd be further back on this hard, hard road.

You hurt, NG. It's real pain. I know there were times I literally felt pain shoot from my heart down my arms, like I was being rammed with knitting needles. I would just pull into the fetal position and sob. You know why you hurt. You don't need me to remind you. So, you know, any communication with N at all will only injure you further. There is nothing good that can happen if you talk or listen to him. Nothing.

You are not pathetic. You are suffering. Sometimes we reach for the hair of the dog that bit us ... and that's what you're doing. Don't think for a minute that you're the only one that has done this. We all have. We all know the pain of taking them back. The big difference with the pain of letting him go is that you have hope for healing. There is NO HOPE for healing if you talk or listen to him, let alone take him back.

It's hard, too, when you want to be distracted from your pain. That's why you're reaching out to those old friends. But you need to be alone. Somewhere on this site, I talk about being in a hotel room and having no way to distract myself from pain. I did not have access to a computer. My N and I were going to meet our son and his gf in a few hours. I had nowhere to go. I was a captive audience to my own pain. But something wonderful happened. I sat there and felt it. I can't tell you how long it took, but after awhile the pain actually lifted! It didn't get shoved aside like when I was distracted by a friend. I felt the pain and it dissipated. I can't tell you when this will happen. But I can tell you that if you will give yourself alone time to just feel it ... not think (you have to focus on the feelings so your brain will eventually be quiet ... it takes time and practice, but it will happen) ... just feel ... you will get better at it, the feelings will be released. Really. Please. Try it. Do a little everyday. You will be amazed. I just want you to find the peace that I am finding.

That's a whole other issue, then, too. Peace is not always so pleasant, but it does not hurt. It can be uncomfortable to someone who is accustomed to drama, but it does not hurt. So, let's get you through the pain, and then we'll address the peace.

Go cry. Stay away from the cell phone, though! Go be with yourself. You are worth knowing. Go listen to your heart. Let your brain ramble but don't answer it.

(((hugs)))

justwokeup

-- posted by justwokeup

» justwokeup - Right or Wrong Next Steps To Take ?

In response to Right or Wrong Next Steps To Take ? posted by nobodygirl:

Hi NG,

There are things you will miss. I would not have stayed in this marriage as long as I have, if not for his good traits. I will not be ready to date for a long time. I have made huge progress but I know that I would still think things like, "He's not as funny as N ... he's not as neat as N ... " I need to be alone for so long that I will start with a clean slate. I will be so far removed from N, that comparing another man to him would be like comparing one to one of the guys I dated before my husband, in 1983.

In fact, for several days now, I've been thinking that I am going to make a letter (that I will never give him) that will say, "What I will miss about you:" because of two reasons. First of all, I can't heal turning him into a complete monster. Saddam Hussein and bin Laden are monsters. He is a whole human being and I need to see him that way, not reduced to his problems. Second of all, I know that when I move out of here, I will revisit every lesson, every memory, of this year and previous years. That letter, which will be in a file on my computer, will help me stay focused. I am at a point where this will help me. This would have confused me just a few months ago.

My N is not a text-book N. He does not pound his chest and declare himself superior. He is more discreet. His torture is in his silence. I could feel his feelings but I did not know the thoughts behind them, so the pain was excruciating. I imagined all kind of scenarios, but I still don't know ... because he will not discuss it. I did uncover, earlier this year, that when he spews venom at me, he has no idea of what he is saying ... he has no memory at all. On one hand, that's comforting, because there's no malice. On the other hand, it's very disturbing to think that when he's enraged like that, that his actions could be from a secret part of his mind that the rest of his brain does not know exists. *shudder*

There are issues that you will have to navigate on your own, NG. But there are common things that we all know. You know that you are prolonging your torture with this exchange of texts. It is hurting you, but until you make the break, I guess you think it is serving you in some way. Just remember that he will never understand what you are saying the way that you mean it. His brain will twist it into something that you never intended. So all these little conversations that you are having with him are as false as your entire relationship. Nothing with him was ever real. He is a facade.

It's a bit painful, sometimes, to read your posts. I don't really know you, but I believe I know the pain that you are in, so I hurt for you. I know that part of your healing is in your making the decision to cut off the connection, and standing your ground. Even if I could take your ability to communicate with him away from you, until you make the decision and stand your ground, real healing will not happen. I know you have it in you but you have to know it, and you have to do it.

Chin up, young lady. You will get through this. You will heal. You will, time from now, have a healthy relationship. But you have a lot of work to do and until you do it, you cannot have good health and happiness. They are mutually exclusive.

just woke up

-- posted by justwokeup

» goneforgood - Right or Wrong Next Steps To Take ?

In response to Right or Wrong Next Steps To Take ? posted by justwokeup:

I agree with just-

NG your pain is all over your posts. My heart aches for you. You seem young and if I could wish anything for you at the early stage of your life is to learn. Learn about you, what do you need. Get in a habit now of taking care of yourself. I am just learning to do that and I am 35, what I would do to be 20 and have it all back in front of me. I would do some things alot different. Don't get in bad relationship habits because you will wake up one day and time will have flown and you will only wish you could get it back. I am thankful I didn't marry my N, but boy he has stolen alot of my time. I am responsible for my part and my part was letting someone mistreat me over and over. Please don't do that, noone is worthy of robbing you of time.

One thing I have learned is you just can't have any contact. Texting him how you feel is just that "how you feel" they don't interpert it the same way you feel it. It is hard to come to grips with that because it just seems inhumane but N don't have empathy. They just don't have it and they never will. So telling them how you feel over and over is like spinning a wheel that never stops. It just gets you nowhere. Oh yes he will respond, he will give you attention, but it is not the attention you ultimately want. His attention is not real it is just for his sense of self. He is loving the attention you are displaying, but ultimately he won't get hurt, but you will.

I am begging you to walk away. If I could get inside your young brain and tell it how special you are, how much you seem to be caring and thoughtful I would. Feed your brain these thoughts and eventually your heart will catch up.

Life is too short to live on a rollercoaster of emotions. The highs with a N are incredible sometimes, but the lows take you to the deepest darkest place and I have learned I don't want to visit that place anymore. That place happens when you are in contact with them. It creeps in and then you get stuck and the cycle continues.

Noone has the right to rob you of your joy. Noone. Jump out of bed today and take your life back. Put your phone down, don't respond. I promise you will feel better and that feeling of being in control of your emotions will take you through the pain of getting him out of your life.

I hope I didn't offend you with any of my advice, but I just don't want to see anyone get caught in the web I was in for much of my adult life. If I had known how to really love me years ago I know the second I was mistreated I would have run. I can run now and so can you.

Be Strong NG!!

-- posted by goneforgood

» herowithin - Sharing with a community rocks!

-- posted by herowithin

» sotired46 - Right or Wrong Next Steps To Take ?

In response to Right or Wrong Next Steps To Take ? posted by goneforgood:

Everyone,
EVERTHING being posted here is so on the money. I recently(12 days ago)contacted my N after almost a month of not doing so. Of course, I got alot of my chest. Of course, it meant nothing. He listened, but so what? After I had my chance to tell him about all the hurt and pain he had caused me, he just reverted to the same old same old. "I'll never be available to you as you need, so why pursue something that is an exercise in futility?" "I'm happy with my life as it is now, blah, blah, blah" All that was accomplished was he getting attention from me. Of course, I haven't heard from him since and I'm not sure why I expect to do so. I have been strong so far, but have had some trouble with it all again.

I know it is hard, but the "no contact" rule really is the best. I have had some really bad days over the last week--really sad and depressed, but reading all of your postings is a tremendous help. All of our stories are the same in so many ways. So much pain, from Ns who really don't care. That is the hardest thing for me. How did I care for someone that is so void of any care for me? It sucks. I know each time I interact with him I just feel disappointment and hurt, so why the longing? I have many co-dependant issues to work out and I'm trying to do so. The lack of drama is an issue that is difficult to deal with. The calmness feels strange and that is my issue.

NG,
Please stop texting him if you can. I know it will be hard. My N and I always had much more of a relationship through email than in person(I think they love this tool as it keeps them involved without really participating). He also has a blog--yes--all about him,complete with photos--all of the time and many are invited to bask in his glory on a daily basis--HA HA, what a creep!

Anyway, it has been really difficult not to contact him by email or read his blog. It is like an addiction and I know it. The only way out is to not take a sip--not a one. My N is really fond of posting things on his blog and mentioning all kinds of "friends". Sometimes there are names(women)and sometimes just the reference of "friend" is used. God, what torture for me, so I have to just not go there. (I too think--
"Well, what has she got that I don't?" "What could I have done to rate a posting on the blog---Ahh, it makes me sick when I really think about it. I'm so much better than this!) Easier said than done, but coming to this site has made it easier to avoid contact with him.

Please stay strong and try to stop texting or calling him. Just try it for a few hours, then a day, then another day. You will be able to clear your mind a bit. I know that when I stay away, things become more clear as the pain dissapates. And it does lessen, I promise you this. It may still come back and forth and have to be dealt with, but it is less.
Stay strong.
Hope all had a great holiday!

-- posted by sotired46

» herowithin - Painful moments can be our best friends in the long run!!

One of the wonderful things about life is embracing those around us , best friend, family, and strangers alike. That each of us, as a birth right deserve to realize our value to the universe, our ability too really love one another and create each moment in possibility!
I have been touched deeply by the emotions shared openly and the broken hearts on display for all to witness and relate too.
And much if not all that I read on line today at this website has been a direct reflection of the pain, struggle, entrapment, manipulations and heartache I have experienced over the past four months in my relationship with my N. And after reading some stories of lovers who stayed around for years! My empathy is completely with you all. This kind of energy of reading and healing in that space created the motivation I needed to take the time and share my story as well. Well, not the whole story, I would bore you all to little tiny tidbits of caring individuals and we cant have that. I will do my best to keep out the, "wow that really hurt!" comments , we all know those all too well any-who...right? (lol) and instead will point out the challenging moments that have been my teacher.
I am a well adjusted, fun loving, easy going guy. I am 34 and I am gay. I only mention the gayness because I want anyone out there who might be thinking this type of abuse does not happen in same-sex couples, they will discover that in fact it does and its as damaging and dangerous as opposite sex relationships. I recently moved to a new city and created the kind of upheaval that really gets the mind and spirit active and focused.
I decide after being in town for three weeks and getting a good relationship established with my new job that I would head out and go dancing.. I love to dance by the way.. There I was alone, not lonely mind you, and waiting for the dance floor to get hoping. And he walked up to me and said "Hello" And that was the start to the most painful, confusing, emotionally charged love journey I have survived. I have loved and lost before and always, after healing got right back up and put myself out there again. Determined to connect with a genuine honest caring trusting guy, yet who could get just crazy enough to make me feel more important than all the other boys in the field. That had never worked out in the past, however the night I met this guy started an emotional rollercoaster ride from that moment until I left him just two days ago. Keep in mind I had never even known this kind of self-centered person caused major problems in relationships, so I was completely blindsided not really watching for red-flags..
At first, the honeymoon stage, he was perfect, thoughtful, asked me if I needed anything and really wanted to see his nurturing side, and I took notice. The night we had sex a few weeks later, he talked about not really wanting to mess around, that he would rather lay in bed and talk, he was concerned that we would do something and it would not mean anything to me. Odd, I thought, cool he is being sensitive and other guys are major jerks, I bet he has been really torn up and hurt by them. No wonder he is saying this to me. (this would later become I really point of twisted humor for me, as I completely excused his behaviors.)
Then I started to notice that the closer he got to me emotionally the more crazy and irrational he would act towards me. He would set up nights to go out to the bar with me, get me there and then the second I just took a glance at another guy he would freak out, accuse me of knowing that person and having slept with them, but hiding it from him to hurt him.. I found my head spinning inside, I was shocked, confused and much of what he was saying I did not really understand where it was coming from on the first place so I responded with care and concern and reassurance of affection for him. Often times that would not even help, he would get emotionally distant, threaten to leave the bar or go flirt with a boy purposely attempting to hurt me. And it worked! I was crushed. Not just that time but many, many times whenever he felt I was doing something to cause the fights and problems, he would be a jerk, hold off affection, rarely say how he felt about me. And as we all know first hand, when he was great, he was great.... We had great sex, we could stay up for hours and talk about anything under the sun.... and he would hold me all night and that's when I fell and that's when he got me hooked! After about two months of being with him, not living together, thank god because we talked about it and at the time I might have... There is a divine soul who takes care!! (lol)
I also started to notice that the more jealous, and self-righteous he became. One minute he would say he loved me and then the next tear me down somehow or doom the relationship by saying things like. "You are young and new to the city your going to cheat on me, so what does it matter anyways?" He could not have been more wrong about me and my intentions and he quickly learned that was a big button he could push on me that I would react too! Looking back I can see how he found ways to set me off, so that he could later blame the failed relationship on me, and how I am too needy and sensitive. And the really shocking thing is I started to feel crazy and like maybe there was something I was doing.. I doubted myself, my ability to love, my value and I hurt for more of his love the more I lost those sensations. And I started feeling like I loved him more than anyone I had ever loved in my past. The mire thought of loosing him scared me to death and I would wonder what I would do without him and set me into an insecure tailspin of behaviors that reflect trying to get love and acceptance from him, forgetting that all the love I already needed was inside me already. The patterns continued and I was becoming more and more unhappy with life in general, worrying about keeping him happy and conflict to a low, and waiting for the nights to arrive because that seemed to be the only time he was nice to me anymore. Then one day my brother called and said, " I have not heard from you, are you ok?" I tried to play like I was, but he could hear something in my voice and demanded to come hang out that very weekend, and he did. I wanted him to meet this guy, but was concerned about not wanting to embarrass anyone or show the reality and truth about the situation. However this guy is so mental and set in his ways and so unaware he is the cause of the problems that he was true to form right in front of my brother at the bar!! My brother had a look on his face like, "Oh shit, what has my brother gotten into?" He played it cool and then played sick to get me out of there and away from him so we could talk bro to bro. Well, after my brother was able to work me through the tons of denial, and defending and excuse making I had created for this guy, he got me to understand and accept that I HAD NO CHOICE I had to leave him, for good, for ever, or he would kill my spirit if not me ultimately. I had to wake up and understand the he did not and could not love me, he was far from that, but an expert at learning to survive in this world, getting his needs met the whole time never having to take a long hard look at himself and see the monster that he would have to deal with. And so the pattern for him will continue until he dies I am sure. But I hope and it was not meant to be me, that he will get the chance to see the pain he has caused others and take on the challenge to confront his demons , do the tuff stuff and make the change, so that he could understand whet LOVE really feels like. You know the kind that pours out from your chest and spills onto all the little things about life. The kind of love that helps us see the amazing details and beauty in all people, no matter. Those, like my x-N are so trapped in pain, their created irrational illusions, avoiding the recreation of their past at all cost, not even getting that just be responding in insecurities and fear that they are in fact with out a doubt recreating their pain futures over and over again and again. My hardest part of all this to accept in the end turned out it was letting go of the hope that he would wake up, see what I see, those I love see, those around him see. That he would come with tears in his eyes saying how sorry he was and that he is ashamed and wanting to fix it, make it better and start to heal the pain he caused. AND guess what...it possible it could happen but life was is too short to wait around, making that kind of sacrifice to not be guaranteed he would come around, see the light and be the amazing potential I knew he could be if that were to happen and the amazing potential I feel in love with. Thanks for reading and letting me share..

The Newguy in town (wink)

-- posted by herowithin