Personality Disorders

» justwokeup - Whats my problem?

In response to Whats my problem? posted by nobodygirl:

Hi NG,

Well, as you can feel, we do understand what you're going through. Each day you stay away from him, you will get healthier. I wish I could tell you that you'll feel stronger and happier everyday, but that's just not true. *shoulder shrug* But I can tell you that if you stay away from him, and avoid another relationship altogether, until you are stronger ... you are less likely to get sucked in by another manipulator.

When you are ready, you can start learning about what you do that attracts these psychos to you like a bee to honey. It's painful to realize that you contributed to the situation you're in, but it's empowering, too. After all, if any random sicko could just stumble upon you, it would be easy to imagine that you are doomed to always be with one. Once you see how you can change more than your habits, but the very way you think and feel, you will know that you have the power to seek and attract healthy people.

Why am I standing on a mountain, pounding my chest right now, talking like I've got this thing wiped ... when just a few hours ago I was sobbing my eyes out to an Eagles song? Because I worked out tonight. I LOVE my workouts! Unfortunately, I may have torn my meniscus, so the aerobic component is on hold ... but I worked out my upper body and ab's in the weight room and that does wondrous things for me. I know not everyone likes to do that but if you know of something that can always bring you up, and never let you down, make it your new religion.

More power to all of us! just woke up

-- posted by justwokeup

» mkinoly - Whats my problem?

In response to Whats my problem? posted by nobodygirl:

I was reading your posts and I just wanted to say that I can relate to that feeling of losing yourself. They mess with us so bad for so long and we try so hard for so long, it does affect us. But it's temporary, we'll get through it. And before long we'll be back where we were, but better, because we'll know how strong we are to have gone through all that.

I'm not saying it's gonna be easy, as I'm just starting my journey away from my N, so what do I know. But I do know there are lots of people out there who will treat us like we want and deserve to be treated, and when we're ready, they will find us.

{{{hugs}}}

-- posted by mkinoly

» justwokeup - Whats my problem?

In response to Whats my problem? posted by nobodygirl:

Be careful, NG ... my brother counseled me because I said something very similar ... because my N has so many things I love, still, after nearly 24 years of marriage! To think that there is someone out there that has all of his good traits and not his bad is setting ourselves up for failure ... it is also woefully unfair to the poor bloke that we start seeing.

When I said we have to walk away and let it all go, I meant that. Then, we have to heal ... a lot. By the time someone has gone through the brainwashing of dating/marrying/cohabitating with an N, they really need to know themselves before considering another relationship. Knowing yourself means, in part, not focusing on the other person's traits. It means looking at yourself: how do you feel with him/her? how do you feel about yourself when you are with him/her? does he/she make you laugh? does he/she appreciate your sense of humor?

I'll tell you how I felt about my N before his last major silent treatment in 2005: he was THE MAN. How did I feel about myself? Confused. I could not understand why I was so happy and confident when he was nowhere around, but felt inept and insecure when he was. And yet, that was not a red flag ...

Gawd help me! Well ... I am healing, so I guess my prayer was answered.

-- posted by justwokeup

» justwokeup - Whats my problem?

In response to Whats my problem? posted by nobodygirl:

NG ... NOT GONNA take him back ...

do NOT get sucked in. Do not respond to his texts.

My N gives the silent treatment for months. Imagine laying in bed with someone for months and he does not speak to you. I cannot tell you how crazy that made me. If you do not live with your N, it is far easier to get over him. Not easy, but easier.

Remember: there is NOTHING you can say that will get him to understand. NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING. He will not EVER 'get it'. He is heroin. You are a junkie. Walk away.

Turn off your cell phone. When you need to make a call, turn it on and when you're done, turn it off. Do not even read his texts. Find out how to have calls from his number rejected.

You are done. DONE.

You think I'm harsh? Think about what you feel like with him. When things were at their best, you had an adrenalin rush that you thought was love. That was your body telling you 'fight or flight' ... it was not love.

It's your choice. Prolong the agony and lose your mind or cut him off and regain your sanity. It's up to you and no one else. Only you have the power to save yourself. He only has the power that you give to him.

-- posted by justwokeup

» joolz - Whats my problem?

In response to Whats my problem? posted by nobodygirl:

Hi NG

Twisting what you say, what they do, etc is what they do best. Does it matter who did what? Is it really the point, isn't the point that he is a manipulative cheater and all you did was offer him your love and devotion. What have you really had in return? Listen to Just, like me, she's been there, done it, bought the t-shirt, your just going to make yourself more confused. Break the tie, don't listen, don't read, cut him off dead!

In the meantime, maybe you should do some more reading about NPD to help you see how futile it all is, how so many others have fallen for the same thing, how many others feel like they're going insane with it all. I found Sam Vaknin's book, Malignant Self Love very helpful, at least in helping me to finally get it, that you truly are banging your head on a brick wall (and much of it absolutely free to view on the internet). Don't get too obsessed with it though and start feeling like an idiot because you're not, take the information and use it as a solid wall against your ex. There are many other good and informative works on the internet too.

I can also relate to your lying to your mom, I lied to my whole family or at least never revealed what was going on. It got so bad that I couldnt, I would have been so ashamed to admit that I had put up with so much. By the way, mine taught me to do that, he would say, you don't wash your dirty laundry in public, you sort it out yourselves, you don't get family involved. If I ever let anything slip to anyone, ,especially his family, I was in big trouble.

Take one day at a time and stay away.

Best wishes

Joolz

-- posted by joolz

» justwokeup - Whats my problem?

In response to Whats my problem? posted by nobodygirl:

Hi NG,

No ... I am not away from him. It's an exhausting story, but I just snapped out of denial in January and thought I'd wait until September (when our youngest left for college) to file for separation. I told him in March. On the first day of school (I work at the local high school), I was informed my hours were cut in half. I live in the NE; you cannot live on less than $1,000.00 a month here. In fact, I don't know that I could find a 1-bedroom for that. Anyway ... I am still here (but sleep on the guest bed in the office). He has been Mr Nice Guy for the vast majority of the time, since I told him, in March. My N is not a full-blown N ... he has tendencies, and I would say that his two older brothers are full blown textbook cases ... You know ... I'm not going to go into it all now. I'll just get worked up.

The important thing to remember is that no matter how articulate you are, whatever you say will be twisted and used against you. So, when you say, "I wish to just tell him one last time how I feel so he knows the main reason why I'm leaving him," you have to understand that he will NEVER understand. When you tell someone how you feel, they have to have an empathy chip in order to process that information. N's don't. Since he has no empathy, he can't understand what you're saying, and he'll never know why you're leaving him. He'll have his own version of the story, of course ... and it does not matter if it sounds like science fiction to you. You cannot get through to him, ever.

That is why there is no closure, no resolution, no compromise ... no 'normal' ending like you have with other relationships. That is why you have two choices: stay and be destroyed (mentally and emotionally, and ultimately, spiritually and physically, as well) or run as fast as you can in the opposite direction, and work very hard to heal and have a normal life.

Dramatic sounding? Yeah ... well ... if the shoe fits ...

-- posted by justwokeup

» goneforgood - Whats my problem?

In response to Whats my problem? posted by justwokeup:

NG,
You deserve better.
I know it is hard to believe and takes time, but eventually you will really believe that statement. I have heard Justwokeup refer to journaling and I think this is a very effective tool. I actually haven't talked to my N for 8 weeks (yes very proud of my accomplishment) but for some reason he was on my mind today. I think it is the holiday or something, but anyway I pulled out a journal I started writing in on November 13, 2006. ONE YEAR AGO--he was causing me agony then and up until recently was still in my life. Well, the pain I recognized in my words from a year ago reminded me how fast time goes by and you can't get it back. I don't want him to rob me of any more time and you shouldn't either.

Make today the day you say to yourself I am not going to get closure because N don't give you closure. I promise, I have tried for 4 years to get my N to understand me, feel bad for all he has done and all the pain he has caused. He doesn't see it like I see it and he never will. It is up to me to accept that and move on. Not move on--run on. Run on to the man who will treat me with respect, can't imagine hurting me and who values my needs. He is out there and he is out there for you too.
Hang on, come to this board. Somedays you will feel like your are losing it, You will feel like you are going crazy and that you have two different conflicts going on inside your head. You know his ways are painful, but you still want him. It's hard to understand how we can feel such conflicting emotions, but it is up to us to reign them in. Nobody can take care of us, but ourselves.

I promise time heals the pain. I am rediscovering how much I love my life since I don't have the N drama anymore. I am understanding how peaceful it can be. I still have days where his memory creeps back in, but when it does I don't let it stay long. I push it so far away and then I think really good thoughts about myself. The best revenge is to be really happy because the thing is N aren't happy people and they can't change. We can. Make your change today, life is too short to be mistreated.

You deserve more. Don't go back, don't look back. Look forward to all that your life has in store for you. This is a time to learn about you and reflect. Just don't let him back in, don't fall for the manipulation. It just gets deeper and deeper and then you get stuck. Thanksgiving is tomorrow, I am thankful that I have my life back. It is a blessing, but it's definitely taken time.

Stay strong.

-- posted by goneforgood

» julie86305 - Acceptance

Nobodygirl, you are so right,I finally came to understand that no matter what I say,yell,cry he will never understand.
its been 2 months since he left and I have been trough hell.
I lost my job,he left me with nothing and my daughter with a rent thats way high.I could not move as I dont have a job.I was a total mess and I tought I could not live without him.I was insecure and scared and cryed for days.And then I got angry,all the stuff that happened in 12 years all that pain,being alone,being made out to be crazy,always being wrong and not trusting yourself anymore.Oh yes I called him,texted him,emailed him,begged him to come back while he basked in the attention.Not anymore,my old friends came out of the woodwork and helped me,this site helped me.I am staying in my home and I am going to school online and I am working.I finally realized that yes he will never ever understand.I am doing the things I like to do again like I am going horseback riding.Is it hard yes but I am worth more than this.This is my time,my future and its looking much better without him.I still have my days but I am stronger.I pulled myself out of my abusive childhood and I can do this to.I dont know what I am going to do with the rest of my life but thats ok.He always made me feel like a loser but he is the loser because I rather feel hurt a thousand times in my life than never to feel anything.Good riddance,trow them out with the trash.Be happy to be free,its hard and its still hard.Stay strong,remember who you where before,what your dreams where.Take YOU back.Dont give up.My heart hurts but deep inside we all know its for the best.I love this place because I have gotten good advice here and you guys helped me when I was at my worst,thank you all so much from the bottom of my heart.I more than likley am still going to need advice when I have my bad days.When I feel good I sometimes want to talk to him,I think well maybe he is not such a bad guy after all.Thats just me thinking it was all my fault again.The hardest part is not to talk to him when he calls any advice on that? I am better with it but I dont want to be sucked back in.He calls for his daughter so any advice for that?It sucks,one minute I am fine like when I started writing this and then I am like well...
I hate that.
Thanks.

-- posted by julie86305

» justwokeup - Acceptance

In response to Acceptance posted by nobodygirl:

Hey all,

NG, NE is northeast US.

We all learn at a different pace. I have not wavered since waking up on my 44th birthday, in January of this year, and said, "I am done. DONE." I have not wanted him back for half a nano-second. However, that was just days past our 23 wedding anniversary. So look how long I bargained with myself. One of my most pathetic memories was in October of 2003, when we patched things up after a bad episode between him and our oldest son, and I was all giddy with the promise of "This time he really gets it!" I said to my friend, "I know he'll give me the silent treatment again but I hope it's not for awhile." OH MY GAWD! *shaking my head*

So folks ... if you think my posts are a bit hardcore sometimes ... that I sound like a demanding, cynical, raving lunatic ... just realize that I am old enough to be your mother (NG, my son will be 21 at the end of the year ... yes, I could be your mother) and I just want you to spare yourself the decades of pain I endured. You already know so much more than I did on this day, last year.

If my posts are over the top, I am sorry ... but my heart is in the right place.

And remember ... he's baiting you. Don't take it. If it helps you to resist, imagine how desperate he is, because every minute that you do not respond is another minute that you are winning and he is losing. Imagine him squirm. But, just take a teensy bit of delight, because he will go find another source. He may reach out to you again in a month or two, thinking that your resistance is down. But just remember ... all you are is a pawn in his game, nothing more, nothing less. Do not take the bait.

just woke up

-- posted by justwokeup

» joolz - Acceptance

In response to Acceptance posted by julie86305:

Hi Julie

I too have children with my ex N and when they were living with me, to begin with, I had the most hurrendous time with him on the phone, etc. In the beginning I tried to be open to communication for the sake of my boys but he just used it as an opportunity to get to me. He would sound all nice and reasonable but he would be trying his usual manipulation techniques, messing me about and expecting me never to complain and trying to draw me into conversations about why our relationship had ended. Eventually, I had to take on a policy of only essential communication based on the contact arrangements. He didnt like that at all and would start arguing on the phone, yelling and swearing, which I again fell for for a while, arguing back and telling him how ridiculous he was being. It finally ended about eight months later when he phoned to complain that I had arranged counselling for our children (they were finding it all very difficult, understandably). Here's the laughable bit, he said I was just trying to stitch him up, can you believe that (always about him, not the welfare of the children). I had to put the phone down, again, when he got very abusive, calling me a whore, etc and I vowed not to communicate with him at all.

All I can say is that you need to keep your communication with him to an absolute minimum regarding the child, don't be drawn into anything else. Hold firm on your boundaries. Unfortunately, you cannot have a normal relationship with these people in any capacity, not unless you are willing to give all the power to them, everything.

Just keep in your mind that you know why this cannot be and, whatever you do, don't go over the relationship with him, good times, bad times - very bad idea, it will mess with your head.

NG, just had to say, I relate to your comments about the hair, etc, I had to have my hair the way he liked it, the colour he liked it, the clothes he liked, the food he liked, the music he liked, the list was endless. If I didnt I would never hear the end of it so you end up always doing what they want, asking what they think, on everything. It took many years to fully get there but the disapproval and harsh comments in the end weren't worth my trying to be me!

Good luck to all

Joolz

-- posted by joolz