Personality Disorders

» joolz - Right or Wrong Next Steps To Take ?

Hi Just

Don't lose faith. I think that its easy to start thinking that all the odds are stacked against you but I am sure that everything will fall into place when the time is right. I think your "calling" to move on is growing ever louder and so you will look harder for the right solution and then it will come. Nothing is impossible.

Maybe you should take a break and go stay with some family in California or something, give you some time alone just to think.

Whatever happens, I'm sure you will soon work out what you need to do and how.

Best wishes

Joolz

-- posted by joolz

» justwokeup - Right or Wrong Next Steps To Take ?

Thank you, joolz ...

I am feeling confused. I keep telling myself that when my job is ready, I will be hired.

N has been his false self (I always think of that as Mr Nice Guy or Mr Pleasant Guy) and I really resented it until a couple of weeks ago. Then, it occurred to me that since I know it is what it is, life is definitely easier this way. Since I can't move out until I can support myself, it's a blessing that he's not his real self. Still, it is just a reminder of how sick this house is...it's insane.

My life does not feel real. Of course it is, I'm alive...so what else could it be.

I am thankful that being peaceful and calm no longer feels strange. I am thankful that my changing relationships with people I care for no longer feels like detachment, just change. I am thankful that even though it would be complete upheaval, if I do have to leave the state when I leave the house, I DO have somewhere to go, and the people making the offer really want me there, it's not out of sense of duty. I am thankful that as disorienting as this major transitional phase of my life is, I am healthier and stronger than I have ever been. I am thankful for you, and everyone here, and this site for bringing us together, because you have validated my crazy experience and give me hope and support when I am floundering.

May today be hopeful for everyone, that even if we're lumps and don't feel like we're progressing, we know that we are already so much healthier than we were.

just woke up

-- posted by justwokeup

» justwokeup - Right or Wrong Next Steps To Take ?

Hi NG,

The guy I dated before my husband was a full blown, textbook case of NPD. That was 1983 and I had no idea what his problem was, but I knew it was major. I had never fallen in love with him, though, so by the time we broke up, I just wondered what the hell I ever saw in him. From beginning to end, our relationship was not quite five months long.

This coming January 1st, it will be 24 years since I married my N. A quarter of a century goes by fairly quickly when you're rearing children. My husband is NOT a full blown case. He does not proclaim his superiority to the world. In fact, it just occurred to me, it's not just his lack of empathy and his silent treatments that last for months ... it is his very covertness that makes him so dangerous. He just retired from a decorated career in law enforcement. Over half of it was under cover. How appropriate.

No one outside our home would ever have a clue what it's like behind closed doors because he does not exhibit those NPD traits that anyone else would notice. My sons sort of know. But even then...he would alternate between terse tones and Mr Nice Guy with them, the whole time he would not speak to me. I have to stop. I am getting sucked down. It's no help that it snowed yesterday and my tolerance for cold weather has been decreasing since I was treated for thyroid cancer in 2004. I am being a noodge. I am sorry.

I hope you enjoy your day.

just woke up

-- posted by justwokeup

» curious296 - Right or Wrong Next Steps To Take ?

nobodygirl,

you're right. Our stories are SO much the same. I too tried to help my N get his life in order. He did not listen to me at all. I even wrote some of his papers for him. He never appreciated any of it. So, he called me a couple of weeks ago and told me that he had had a meeting with this professor and that they man had told him some great ideas--so naturally I asked him what the prof. had told him. It was the SAME EXACT things I had been telling him to do to pull his grades up!!!!!!! I was absolutely furious!! He said the professor was more compassionate than me and thats why he listened! I was more than compassionate to his a$$ and he knows it!!! Now all of a sudden this man is the greatest guy in the world. I hate my N for that. He takes credit for everything that I do. I remember a couple of months ago, this DJ came to our college campus and he was giving away prizes to the the person that could give the song title and artist to the 3 songs he played. Well, my N didnt know the answers, so I was whispering them to him in his ear. Well, my N won the contest and told everyone how HE won the contest!! I will never forget the look on his face--he was looking like "yeah im the sh##, I won it because I know my music" I could have slapped him right then. Then when I got mad that he was telling everyone that HE had won, he got mad at me and said I was always "attacking".

-- posted by curious296

» SATANSX - Right or Wrong Next Steps To Take ?

WHEN I FIRST READ "MALIGNANT SELF LOVE" I ABOUT DROPPED OVER. MY N. FIT EVERY DESCRIPTION TO A TEE. I KNEW ALL ALONG THAT SOMETHING WAS WRONG WITH HIM. HE IS THE MOST CHARMING, SWEET, ADORABLE, POLITE MAN YOU COULD EVER MEET. HE STUDIED ME FOR ALMOST 2 YEARS BEFORE ASKING ME OUT. HE HAD A FULL HEAD OF PURE WHITE HAIR PULLED BACK INTO A PONYTAIL. BLACK EYEBROWS, PIERCING GREEN EYES, A WHITE MUSTACHE AND GOATEE AGAINST A VERY TANNED COMPLEXION. AT 6 FEET HE TOWERED OVER ME. WE TRAVELED 15,000 MILES ON HIS TWO MOTORCYCLES. WHAT A FANTASTIC TIME WE HAD. BUT THERE WERE THOSE "ODD THINGS. LIKE WHEN HE CALLED ME ON MY CELL PHONE AT FIRST HE WOULD DISCISE HIS VOICE TO SOUND LIKE A CHILD. WHEN WE WENT ON ONE OF OUR TRIPS HE WOULD REFER TO IT AS "GOING OUT TO PLAY". HE WAS ABSOLUTLY ANAL ABOUT EVERYTHING. AS TIME WENT ON HE STARTED TO SHOW HIS CONTEMPT FOR ALL HIS "FRIENDS" AND CO-WORKERS. BY THE END HE HATED EVERYBODY ON EARTH. HIS MANIPULATION AND MIND GAMES WERE ENDLESS. WHILE LIVING WITH HIM I GOT TOO CLOSE TO HIM. I LEARNED TOOOOO MANY OF HIS SECRETS. HE RUINED EVERY HOLIDAY . THEN HE PLANNED MY ABANDONMENT. HE EVEN TOLD ME WHAT TO WEAR THAT DAY. HE TOOK A PICTURE OF ME SITTING ON THE BIKE THAT DAY. HE HAD NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE. HE HAD A PICTURE OF HIS LAST GIRLFRIEND ON THE SAME BIKE. SHE HAD A BLACK LEATHER JACKET WITH RED ROSES ON IT. HE GAVE ME THE EXACT SAME JACKET! HE HAD US BOTH GET THE SAME SHORT HAIRCUT. HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND HAS THE SAME HAIRCUT. HE GOT US ALL TO TINT OUR CAR WINDOWS. EEEEEERRRRIE! HE TOLD ME THAT HIS LAST GIRLFRIEND WAS JEALOUS. HE ACCUSED ME OF BEING JEALOUS AT THE END. I COULD GO ON AND ON ABOUT HOW HE MATCHED THE THINGS IN THAT BOOK. HE SAID HE HAD BEEN IN COUNCELING TWICE AND THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY. NEED I WONDER WHAT THE DIAGNOSIS WAS? I TRIED TO HAVE CLOSURE WITH HIM , BUT ONCE AGAIN HE FOLLOWED THE BOOK. I GOT NOTHING BUT PSYCO-BABBLE. AND NOW HE'S HURTING SOMEONE ELSE. GOD, WHEN DOES IT END?

-- posted by SATANSX

» justwokeup - Right or Wrong Next Steps To Take ?

It ends when he ends.

There is no closure. You could no more have a satisfying final conversation with him than you could with a great white shark (with black eyebrows and piercing green eyes).

All we can do is examine ourselves and figure out what weaknesses of ours made us vulnerable and then eliminate or transform them. That is the only viable option.

When I first stopped 'taking care of my family' the way I always have, I felt like a selfish child. Thank Gawd something inside drove me to that behavior because I just did not have it in my mind or heart. I snapped. I broke. It's been eleven months and all three of my males still look at me sometimes like, "What happened to her?" but for the most part, they're picking up the slack. I was a textbook co-dependent and that held me in bondage to my N.

Stop trying to make sense of it, Satan's Ex. It is impossible to make sense of the insane. All you can do is walk away. Quit looking at him and start looking at yourself. Don't say, "I did this and this and this FOR him." Ask, "What did I do that allowed him to devour me? Where am I injured? What do I have to do to heal myself? How can I change to protect myself? Where do I draw boundaries that will keep me safe while simultaneously treat others with respect?"

It's not about being selfish, it's about taking care of our self-interests ... very different things.

Keep writing that book, though ... he sounds absolutely creepy!

-- posted by justwokeup

» SATANSX - Right or Wrong Next Steps To Take ?

I had the whole book written including changing the names to "protect the innocent"; what a laugh that is! Then I was told that I would have to change the circumstances too. I tried, I really tried. But it just isn't the same if you know what I mean. So now I think I will leave it as it is and wait till the sob dies. As it is, I can't stop him, nobody can. He just keeps going on and on like the energizer bunny. And trust me he's an amazing looking man for his age. He can have any woman he wants, only he's very picky when he does it. He hones in on his prey like a missle. He knows exactly what he's looking for. He can make you feel like a princess, or dirt under his perfact feet. At least I miss the good times way more than I miss him and thats saying something. I'm gettin there!

-- posted by SATANSX

» sotired46 - Right or Wrong Next Steps To Take ?

Hey eveyone,
I've been staying off the computer for the last few days on purpose. I've really been sad and missing my N and didn't even want to log on in the fear that I would write him an email or visit his blog. Man, I really appreciate everythiing you all have posted over the past few days. I'm really sad and depressed this morning and I feel a severing that is sooo painful. I know this is the end, and after having all that drama and strife in my life for over 3 years, it feels so odd to be calm. I've cried all morning since I've gotten out of bed. I hate wanted to reach out to such a creep(three weeks with not contact as of tomorrow). I'm trying to stay strong. Hope you all have a great day. I have to go to work now and pretend I'm standing on two solid feet.

-- posted by sotired46

» goneforgood - Right or Wrong Next Steps To Take ?

sotired,
Hang in there! I know your feeling, I have woken up on so many days in the past and thought how am I going to get through this day. Emotions, memories, pain would creep in and almost take over my body and I would feel like there wasn't anything I could do about it. I know have learned that there is. I am the only one that can control me, not a N, not pain, not out of control thinking--only I can take it back, reign my life back in and realize truly what an incredible woman I am.

I promise you the days will get easier. I have implored the no contact rule so many times only to slide right back in. Each time I did a little voice inside of me would say "what are you doing??" I knew I shouldn't but it almost felt like I couldn't control it. Now I get mad. There isn't a bone, not even the smallest bone that wants to slide back in. It's been 10 weeks since I spoke with my N and I really feel good. Peaceful, no drama, the tears have decreased and I finally see how life can be so much better without him. Does he memory creep in?--Yes it does, but not so much anymore and when it does I tell myself "I deserve better or he doesn't deserve someone like me"

Keep going. Just think as it as one day at a time, pretty soon you will look at a calendar and think wow it has been that long? And you can smile and realize you are getting your life back and who knows what is right around the corner. Keep hoping, keep wishing and keep realizing you deserve only the best in life's journey.

Don't let him win. Don't get weak and call him. In the end it will get you nowhere and then your back to day one and your mad at yourself for giving into those feelings. I promise, done it way too many times and it's just not worth it.

Hope you and the rest of my friends on this board have the best day ever!!!

Love, goneforgood

-- posted by goneforgood

» kindheartedfool - Right or Wrong Next Steps To Take ?

Dear Everyone:
This is the first time I have been on this board in 2 years. 3 years after getting rid of my N..I am so happy. For some reason today I saw Suite 101 and had to check in. It was on this board that I pinpointed what THING I was living with and got rid of him. My N still calls after 3 years and new girl of course...they always try to contact old supply, but I still to this day employ the NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER rule. It works. I never answer the phone. Just wanted to post an old post of mine if it helps anyone..Good Luck...I know how it sucks but I am free. Kris

_____________________________________________
Post from a few years ago

That really opened my eyes and you wrote it so eloquently. Thank you. It helps in understanding more why I am so upset at myself for logically understanding he is toxic for me as a human being yet mourning a relationship that I ended because of such toxicity. I knew I hated the relationship and did nothing for the last two years of it knowing that I hated what was happening and then jumping back in with both feet because I felt so good at times. Keeping the relationship alive by saying to myself, see, its OK, he'll be nicer, stop lying, deceitful, etc. only to be hit in the butt over and over again. Someone had to stop the abuse and I did.
I haven't been drinking like an alcoholic, but I have had a little more lately because it does ease the pain, not being a coward, just want to feel numb at times. A few glasses of wine. I did something this weekend which I want to tell you about, but not on this thread. Not proud of myself, but I feel better and that's what I was trying to accomplish.
What hurts was just as I believe Climber said. As a normal individual we are just looking for happiness in a relationship and giving your all when you felt you found it, only to turn around to know that it was all a lie, an act, a fake, hurts like hell. Four years (and most others on this board MORE) of my life wasted on this bottom feeder, scumsucker.
We are all intelligent people here. I sometimes have a problem with that in myself. I feel, I am an intelligent woman, how the hell could I have been taken for such a nasty ride, but I was and I did, and he is one more up.
But as you posted, I could think it was a waste or .....
"Realize WHO we are actually grieving....stop displacing that feeling of loss on N and tell her "goodbye" once and for all."
I always said I did have some good times with him, and that is what it was, just some good times, now its over and I'm still the same nice, loveable me from before, before the man put a con on me, but with a chunk ripped out for the moment that I am feaverishly working at filling in.
Its crazy how much this one individual (mine was and is not very intelligent, never finished high school) can do so much to a good person. But as you said, I am letting him do that to me, and I know that.
Has to be me to say that and stop, even after the fact, letting his mean ways control my happiness.
Thank you.... Thank you from the bottom of my heart with the small chunk missing (almost repaired).
Kris

-- posted by kindheartedfool