Personality Disorders

» justwokeup - The Inner Child

Thanks, Joolz. You know, I think I always kind of dismissed her because my attitude was, "Life goes on" and the snippets I heard about other people's inner child was how wounded he/she was. It never entered my mind until it came tumbling out of my mouth at my last session with my therapist that an inner child could be a tyrant. Though, if you think about it, having a dependent personality, it makes sense!

When I first realized my marriage was over, I was 'turning a corner' several times a week. Then, it slowed down, and I was thankful because it was exhausting. Well, now I am turning a corner once or twice a week and it's exhausting again, but I have come so far, it is a thrill to see how many puzzle pieces have come together in the last almost-ten months. Although I am sleeping through the night again, I was so wiped before my workout yesterday, I really struggled with the first few sets. I started getting pumped, though, and my trainer just kept talking about how strong I've gotten in the past 4 - 6 weeks. It all ties together, you know. In the western hemisphere, we tend to treat people as 'parts'. We're not parts. Everything works together and, therefore, breaks down together. This therapy we have, writing to each other; sharing our experiences, thoughts and ideas; whatever we do in our private time; whatever our spiritual and/or religious beliefs are, etc ... it all works together. It's a very exciting time. Some emotions are uncomfortable, but we're moving forward and we're all going to be stronger, happier people ... we already are.

I hope to have something to say about the inner child after my session on Friday. Take care. justwokeup

-- posted by justwokeup

» justwokeup - The Inner Child

Hiya,

I'll have to get back to you on my inner child being a tyrant. Amy (my therapist) and I discussed many things, but my inner child was not one of them. Next week.

She did clarify something for me, though. I had been using the terms 'dependent' personality and 'co-dependent' personality interchangeably and she let me know that they're two different things ... that I am not 'dependent', but rather, 'co-dependent'. Okay.

I'll see you on other posts until I have something to report here.

justwokeup

-- posted by justwokeup

» joolz - The Inner Child

I can relate to your confusion here, i often get confused about the difference, as i understand it, dependence is like complete dependence on someone (you get the benefit of being dependent), whereas co-dependence is more like a mutual dependence, both parties get something out of it, they depend on each other, please correct me if i'm wrong. Well its difficult to explain let alone think about. No wonder we're confused.

Good luck on all fronts.

Joolz

-- posted by joolz

» joolz - The Inner Child

Hi to all

Well, I did say that I had never really thought about my "inner child" and would look into it, out of interest. It would seem that its really quite important and so thank you Just for bringing up the discussion. I've found through reading up on the subject that I've obviously been living in "survival mode" and drowning out my inner child for some time.

I mentioned in an another post a while back that one of the things that upsets me most is this sense of a loss of identity. Well, it would seem that the identity is that inner child. All the other stuff has been how to cope with my life. It makes a lot of sense that I now feel, when I no longer need the same coping skills, quite lost. So, without wanting to sound like a crack pot, I'm going to start trying to listen to my inner child and see what happens. Maybe I'll finally rediscover who I really am.

Take care and I look forward to any thoughts on this.

Joolz

-- posted by joolz

» redback - The Inner Child

Hi.

I've actually realized there is life outside the internet and have been away on holidays. Your posts remind me of a psychology theory in a book from long ago: 'I'm OK. You're OK.' About the interaction between our parent/adult/child ego states when we "deal" with others. ('transactional analysis' = TA) I suspect the 'inner child' is simply a variant of that.

The dialogue here is usually adult 2 adult altho I sense a bit of critical or nurturing parent creeping in on occasions. This is where critical parent to insecure child may not be a good thing. But the exercise goes way beyond just recognising the state and to know it's not always a bad thing. Have you heard of this "TA"?

As you know, there IS a difference between dependant and co-dependant. I wonder if the inner child and the inner tyrant aren't also different concepts?

Good to hear you're getting there. Best wishes.

-- posted by redback

» justwokeup - The Inner Child

Welcome back, Red.

My counselor was drawing parallels with the super ego/ego/id to my inner tyrant/functional me/outside me.

I am not familiar with the TA as you described it but I remember that was a big book back in the early seventies. I suppose I ought to read it ... and books re: inner child ... but the truth is, I have spent all of my adult life reading self help books and now they don't interest me like they used to. In fact, this all ties in to this conversation because one of my HUGE questions this year is how things that used to be SO important to me are no longer. The only analogy that comes close to describing it is: imagine waking up with amnesia and having loved ones tell you what you used to be like and you believe them, but you are no longer that person ... and you have no desire to be that person, and you have no intent to hurt anyone that misses the person that you used to be, but now you are who you are and that's it for you.

All this year, I have asked myself, "Is this depression?" because that's a hallmark of depression, losing interest in the things that used to interest you. But you know ... I have battled depression off and on for years and I know what it feels like, and no ... I am not depressed. I have been sad ... oh, so sad this year ... but not depressed.

It occurred to me today that maybe I had a breakdown back in 2005, during my N's crisis (that's what I refer to it as). He flipped out on a Sunday, April 3, 2005 (I think ... it was the first Sunday in April) and I told his sister seven months later that he 'killed a part of me and I want her back'. Earlier this year I decided that he must have killed the love I had for him ... that I must have stopped loving him then but was so far in denial,I did not realize it.

Today, it occurred to me that may not be it at all. I think I might have had a nervous breakdown and I lost ME. I was so far in denial that I did not know I had lost me. In March of 2006, when I came out of the depression, I think I started rebuilding deep down inside but was still so far in denial, I did not know. Little experiences happened that year that stand out like snapshots in my mind because I had distinct feelings but I could not label them, yet I could feel them and I knew they were significant.

On January 9, 2007, I knew the problem was 'him, not me' and I knew I was 'done'. The changes started coming so rapidly that I realized stuff had been going on at a deep level for a long time because people just don't change this much, at a fundamental level, this quickly ... it's been exciting and exhausting. But there is something in me that says "Something is not right ..." and I've mentioned this to my analyst. I thought things smoothed out in the last month when I could see, trait by trait, that I had released my co-dependent ways but the "Something is not right ... " feeling came back to me today. That is when I got the idea that yeah ... I think the very foundation of who I was, was destroyed ... pulverized.

It's okay, in that it was faulty mechanisms, developed as a small child to cope with the insanity of the drinking/drugging parents. It's okay that my inner tyrant compelled me to be the good wife and mommy since I did not have a role model or personal life experiences to guide me. It's okay that between the abuse of my N and my midlife crisis, my co-dependent personality crumbled and I am rebuilding. But you know ... I told my analyst months ago ... I have 'holes' that need to be filled: I don't know with what, but they need to be filled. She asked why.

It occurred to me (again ... this is one of those lessons that I keep revisiting) that life's challenges are not always something that we have to get 'through' or 'overcome'. Some of life's challenges are things that we have to accept will always be with us, as unpleasant as they are. Like, I do not have to stay with my N, but we have sons together, so I cannot just walk away and never see him again. He will always be in my life. Truth is, as long as he's not my husband, I don't think that will be such a big deal. What is a big deal is figuring out what happened so I can proceed.

I think my inner tyrant has been 'outed' and the new me that is no longer co-dependent has let her know that her job is done. She can let go of the whip because the grown-up me is meeting my needs now, including fulfilling my role as mother (if not N's wife, anymore). To use my analyst's word, my inner tyrant has 'integrated' with the adult me.

Well, that was a long one, huh? Okay. I have more thinking to do and I am going to get ready to hit the hay ... those thoughts can bounce around at a subconscious level.

Have any of you felt like you were broken, and in trying to piece yourself back together, there were parts you intentionally left out so you're wondering what to do with the holes?

-- posted by justwokeup

» joolz - The Inner Child

Hi Just

Interesting post. I think the worse thing about this stuff is that you end up not knowing who you are anymore. I've talked about it before in other posts and been quite devastated at times. I have been reading about the "inner child" and so far I understand that, apparently, when we're growing up, we need various kinds of feedback, unconditional love, acceptance, etc at different stages of development. If we don't get those things from our parents, peers, other authority figures, then we endure a kind of wound. We patch ourselves up with our coping strategies and move on but the wound remains and we lose touch with a part of our inner selves, kind of as a protective measure. Anyway, psychology lesson over, sounds like those "holes" you were talking about are the same as these "wounds" that my books is talking about. I'm interested to find out if I can heal some of those wounds so I'm gonna give it a go.

Well, I hope I've understood you correctly and will keep you posted with how I go. If this sounds about right, maybe it would be good for you to have a look into it. I'm hoping to find that person I may have been had all this not happened. I'm not yet ready to accept that this is it because I don't feel whole.

Best of luck as always.

Joolz

-- posted by joolz

» justwokeup - The Inner Child

Joolz, once again you got what I was saying (exactly) and what you said made huge sense. Okay, so I will read another self-help book. I know that only I can name those holes, or wounds, but since I had no idea what they were, I could not begin to label them. I was afraid that parts of me were 'missing'. If they're wounds, than they can heal and that sounds more plausible to me than filling a hole with the correct 'something'.

Well, I have errands to run today and I think the bookstore will be added to the list. Thanks for your feedback!

justwokeup

-- posted by justwokeup

» justwokeup - The Inner Child

Ugh. I can't, Joolz. After running out of time to go to the bookstore today, I was looking at titles on Amazon.com and just could not bring myself to buy another self-help book. I think I am going to just veg for awhile. I feel like I have turned a lot of corners this past month and I am exhausted. I just want to 'be' for awhile, as opposed to think or feel or read or heal.

I'll be reading everyone's posts, but I am going to slip off the radar for awhile.

Best wishes to everyone. I'll catch up with you later.

justwokeup (but need to go hibernate for a little while)

-- posted by justwokeup

» redback - The Inner Child

Sometimes self-help books can add a simple explanation to what we already intuitively if not intellectually understood about ourselves...just couldn't pin it down. But many (more?) times self-help books self help the author.

Your body and brain sounds like it needs to 'consolidate' as it tells you its totally OK to actively do...nothing.

Sometimes I get 'pearls of wisdom' from fiction. The saying: "I am but a companion of the prevailing winds yet with the inner strength to carry me to my own destination' still resonates.

-- posted by redback