Personality Disorders

» justwokeup - Why do I miss the N?

Hi all,

Another little thing to add here: we are very empathetic people. Sometimes, our N's have fleeting moments of feeling. I don't know if they can feel it, but we certainly can. My N and I had a conversation last night and I felt his sadness. It is uncomfortable. But my gut is unwavering: N will not change and that part of me that fights to survive would not even consider a reconciliation for a nano-second. Still ... I feel his sadness. I am happy to say, though, that as assertive as I am now, I no longer make his sadness my own.

We just have to accept that with all of our healing and growing, there will always be scars. Physical scars often hurt; there's no reason for emotional ones not to. *shoulder shrug*

I know I could not return to the way things were even at my weakest moment because I am no longer than person. I confess to you that I am a little thankful for the discomfort feelings of his sadness because this assertive strength that I have is not always comfortable, either. I am looking for balance and when I go too far in either direction, it feels yucky.

*sigh*

Thank you all for your understanding and support.

-- posted by justwokeup

» melc33 - Why do I miss the N?

It's wonderful to hear that you have gotten to a point where you are able to separate yourself from him and his emotions. It's inspirational to know that although there is always difficulty it can get somewhat easier. I suppose more than anything it depends on the day. At least however the baseline of the discomfort as a whole appears to have the potential of rising.

Until reading these blogs, I never looked at the concept of separating my/our feelings from theirs. Reflecting I think that in the past I have seen any sign of emotion on his part as, he's coming around...thinking that he would again be that person that he was several years ago. I realize now though that this person is who he was trying to be and it took a great deal of effort..(he does have a degree and a great deal of experience in performing arts, thus making it a little easier I would suppose), but still it is not who he was.

He has often made the statement, I miss the you, that you are when we are not together and just friends..I have yet to be able to explain this and plan to explore it with my counselor..I think at this point it is that I can say I become very mistrusting of him when we are together..this has never been the case in past relationships...and I have tried to talk to him about this, explaining that there are a few simple things that would help regain trust but he always refused to listen or talk about it.or anything else for that matter. I don't know, i do see his role in it, I also want to address any role that I may have played, to prevent the same mistakes in the future, in other relationships.

-- posted by melc33

» justwokeup - Why do I miss the N?

Hi Melc33,

I think part of the reason we're so confused is because we feel other people's feelings but our brain knows that they don't belong to us ... so they can't label them and put them away, neatly, in some little cubby in our brain. Now that I can draw boundaries, it's affecting every relationship I have and it is wonderful. Like, at work, when they took away access to supplies to do my job but left me with certain responsibilities, I came right out and said, "No, I will no longer be held accountable for this because you will not provide me with the supplies/authority I need to accomplish the job." I sent out a mass email, changing the protocol, and washed my hands of the whole ordeal. No drama. No fanfare. I ran the rough draft of my email through the appropriate parties for comment, first, just to cover myself, but I did it. It's a great thing.

Today, I really understand one of the flaws of mine that kept me captive for so long. I was so bent on everything being rosy that I lived in denial. My denial is gone. It's been an adjustment to live in reality, where rosy is few and far between. I like to believe there will be more rosy times in my future, but I'm not betting on it one way or the other. Right now, it's empowering to be authentic, even if there's a sad tinge on everything. I've also learned in just the last month that since I can recognize what feelings are mine and what aren't, which ones to just feel ... and which ones need to be analyzed, labeled, and put away. I am not as la la la as I used to be, but I don't have the depths of despair, either. I am more middle ground, more stable. It's good.

Oh, and I have to say, you were right on the money when you said that you realized how much work it was for the N's to appear normal. I realized that watching my N during his crisis in 2005. I am in a place now where I can still feel his sadness, but it is not mine and I am able to let it go fairly quickly. It used to be that other's suffering negated my own, like I didn't have a right to my own feelings. Now, I can say, "You treated me poorly for 23 years and I am gone. I realize you were hurting, and I tried to help you, but you refused." It's so sad ... and that's what I realized this morning ... some things will never have closure. Some loose ends cannot be tied up. Some parts of our lives will always be tattered and dirty, but we can walk away from them. They'll pop up at the most inconvenient times and we'll have to deal with them all over again, but that's just the way life is. I think everyone's life is like that; not just the dependents'.

Well! I just got the most beautiful bouquet of flowers from my younger son's girlfriend! What a dolly! I need to run ...
take care, everyone! Best wishes ... justwokeup

-- posted by justwokeup

» joolz - Why do I miss the N?

Hi Melc33 and Just and anyone else listening

I absolutely agree with Just, to be honest its a cliche but it is a "rollercoaster ride", we're so bent on being amenable in our nature that we have always put our needs aside if we detect hurt by our (usually normal) actions. We're so strong, and feel so sure but all it takes is a simple thing, that act of hurt emotions, we cant help it, we have to back down and compromise our needs. Here in lies the problem. So what happens, we wake up to the facts one day and for once in our lives make a real decision, that this is not enough for us, we are worth more than that, we're gonna fight for our rights.

And this is my experience by the way, i'm assuming others have done this too but if i'm wrong, please point it out.

What happens next, we become like some kind of female warrior on the rampage, "I have rights, you have no right to treat me like this, I'm out of here, nothing you can do can change my mind, you are wrong". And then, they thaw, they realise that you are quite angry and a little bit neurotic by now and back down and become oh so understanding, suddenly you start to look at yourself and think you're reacting ridiculously. You probably are but you were driven to it, so you keep going but they become more understanding, because they know all your little secrets and all your maliable ways and before you know where you are you are feeling pathetic again and humbled and like you were wrong to protest like that.

Well, I've done all that, don't know about anybody else, maybe i'm crazy. However, I think that I become "all or nothing", I'm super strong and over the top when I know I'm right (starting to sound politically correct, etc) or i'm a complete doormat. Trouble is, in either of these states you are going to lose. The middle ground does not exist for me.

I'll be honest, I'm still doing it, it drives me crazy and I still doubt everything, even to the point of sometimes wondering whether I invented the whole thing because I'm just mad, yet I know I haven't, I know what he did to me.

Well, think I've been on a bit of a rant, for those who are new to this maybe you'll see what you might become if you stay with these people. Believe me, I wish I did not have these tormenting feelings, I'm so fed up with myself at times.

On the positive side, I'm so glad that you, Just, are feeling good right now, just keep doing what you're doing, you're right to be wary I think because otherwise you'll just take the same problems into any new relationship. When you're good and ready I feel sure you can have a great relationship but you have to be patient, not my middle name.

Melc, please don't think too much about what you did wrong other than being too accommodating, its that simple.

Hope I havent bored anyone to death.

Joolz x

-- posted by joolz

» justwokeup - Why do I miss the N?

Hey all,

I was never strong enough to do your second step, Joolz. There were times in my house, alone, that I would scream "I HATE YOU" or tell myself that I was a "stupid, stupid girl" or "People say divorce is easy, that staying together is hard. They are so wrong. I wish I had the nerve ..."

Always alone in my house. I did not say these things to N.

This trait of mine, having an enormously long fuse and then, one day, it's gone ... I'm not proud of it and I have to admit to you, that this has happened in regular friendships before. I just look at them one day and say, "Have a good life" and walk away. Some of them looked me up after years and we exchange pleasant emails, because there is no reason to be ugly, but they are not my friends ... they are acquaintances. They've known me for twenty or thirty years. They don't know one iota of what you know about me. Anyway, point being, I woke up one day and said, "I am done" and I think you guys think that I am stronger than I am. Just look how long I took the grief before I did that.

And Joolz? I am so not ready for a relationship. I don't trust my judgment. In fact, I taunt myself with the idea that I might let a great guy slip through my fingers because I am afraid to be vulnerable. It's all conjecture at this point. Not only do I still live with my N, but I have not filed for separation yet. I don't look at other men and figure I will one day, but that seems long, long away. As much as N hurt me, I did love him ... I did not want another man ... and even when I am 'legal', I don't think that I'll be ready. Well ... I'll jump off that bridge when I get there.

*sigh*

My dad's wife says that one day I will look back on all of this and it will be like an old, bad movie in my head. I certainly hope so. =p justwokeup

-- posted by justwokeup

» sotired46 - Why do I miss the N?

Hello everyone,
Wow, I can't tell you how much it has helped me just in the last two days to read all of your experiences. I've said "I'm done" so many times to my N, just to pine for him for weeks and then take some action to contact him(we don't live together). I really hate the addictive aspect of the whole dynamic. I know staying away is the key, but it is hard. Something deep inside keeps pulling me. I find it easy to take a stand and end it each time he pulls his usual stuff, but very difficult to stay away. He, on the other hand is deft at ignoring me to the point of distraction for me. I really do think that is part of his game. Has anyone else had this experience?

-- posted by sotired46

» justwokeup - Why do I miss the N?

The game? Absolutely. I saw it over twenty years ago but I don't play games. He'd be cruel ... I would retreat and cry. I would inch up to him, scared and sad, and he'd say hateful things. I'd pull away. After time, he'd come towards me ...

It made me sick. Sometimes I'd let him in (but I was not playing the game, I was making a conscious decision to change the situation as it stood ... well, that's how I saw it) because it was the only way to break the silence, but I never thought, "Oh ... he's charming again ..." I thought, "You're sick." Of course, I was the sickest ... allowing him to do it.

I am so done with him, it's a non-issue. My fear at this point is, am I so damaged that when it's time to meet new men, will I be the ice princess? Gawd, I hope not ...

Please, please ... your heart can cry ... your brain can rationalize anything, anyway you want ... but your gut is telling you "No". Listen to your gut ... do not put in nearly a quarter of a century like I did.

Save yourself!

-- posted by justwokeup

» joolz - Why do I miss the N?

Here here Just

It is quite upsetting at times to realise that you have spent so many years with these people that are unreachable. It is even more upsetting when you read about people going through the same. You know, I know I cannot convince anyone to do what they are not ready to do, not a chance. The hardest thing is to let people make their own mistakes I guess, its a lot like being a parent. All we can do is hope that the person we're appealing to is at the point where they're just not quite sure, on the brink and ready to take advice.

Ns may be addictive but that is because you are addicted to the person you were sold at the beginning. I'll bet anything that the person you're seeing now is nothing like that. Its not going to go back to the beginning, never. The only time you may see it is when he's desparate but then it goes back to the same old again. Don't fall for it. We all know how hard it is, why have we stayed so long. It still ended the same but after a good deal of our lives has pretty much been wasted.

Just think about it, take your gut instinct and listen to it.

Best of luck

Joolz

-- posted by joolz

» justwokeup - Why do I miss the N?

You know what is so sad, Joolz? Now that I am no longer co-dependent, now that I feel my own feelings over someone else's and I make my decisions based on my mind/heart/gut, not someone else's ... my hindsight is 20/20 and it's been a miserable marriage, tolerable at best, for over twenty years. Yeah. I never would have admitted that even a year ago, although I broke back in 2005.

I don't regret my past. That's not my problem. In fact, I'm not even afraid or all that uncomfortable with my present. I am just beginning to realize all the things I missed and so I want them even more now, and I am afraid that I am too damaged to know it when it's in front of me.

You know ... it's like it's all been a charade since 1983. So now, as I piece myself together with those parts that are authentic, I am really cautious. I want to live a real life. Real relationships with real people are messy, and N couldn't have messy ... that's why I was in trouble if I cried, that's why he buries his feelings ... wow ... I am going to sign off and think about this. This is the beginning of something ...

I have to think about this. It's so broad, I can't even put it into sentences.

-- posted by justwokeup

» joolz - Why do I miss the N?

Hi Just

Hope you are well. Reading your post, you sound a little down. It can be quite upsetting thinking about the insanity of it all. I'm glad you have no regrets, I can't say the same for myself, I'm full of them. Namely, the day I set eyes on him, lol. Jokes aside, there are some positives out of 18yrs, sadly, not many.

I think you will be fine, when you're ready to step out there, you can go with your head held high. I think you will find that normal people will accept you exactly how you are and if they don't, who cares. I think you are right to have the attitude that you are only going to live a "real" life from now on. So long as you remain true to yourself, that is all that matters. You don't have to be a doormat and you don't have to lose your loving nature, you can be both assertive and confident as well.

Best of luck

Joolz

-- posted by joolz