Personality Disorders

» graci200 - Thanks for the comments

In response to Thanks for the comments posted by sutrix:

Sutrix: "Are my attempts to fix my relationship and help her feel better really just a selfish way to eliminate my own sadness?"

No, because eliminating your own sadness, also makes your partner happier. You aren't seeking change for "just" your own self serving reasons. Your wife also benefits if your relationship with her is improved in any way [it's a partnership involving TWO people's feelings/needs].

People do all kinds of things every day for self serving reasons but when your actions disregard the "hurt you cause" to another, then it's selfish behavior.

People with NPD only care about how they feel and what they want, with total indifference for their partner's feelings and needs. Everyone has "some" narcissistic traits [required to survive] but it needs balance. just thoughts

-- posted by graci200

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» Tigermom - I want to stop my pattern of pain

In response to I want to stop my pattern of pain posted by sutrix:

I have to agree with NiiceLaady. You are exhibiting empathy which an N does NOT. Her "diagnosis" sounds like you're just a typical male....but one who is now exhibiting REAL MATURITY. Wanting to make your spouse happy is the most important trait you can give to a marriage. (Yes, sometimes you DO have to appease and humor your wife! And don't forget to tell her often that she looks nice!) I only wish my daughter had married someone like you instead of the one that caused her untimely death. I come here now to encourage others to get out of their abusive relationships before it's too late.

EVERYONE has one odd behavior or another....that's what makes up our various personalities. It makes me happy to read something from a man who RECOGNIZES the pain he's causing and is looking for ways to improve. Good for you for getting involved in therapy. (May I suggest you read "Women Are from Venus; Men Are from Mars?") I've been married for 42 years, and it sounds to me like you just need a good marriage counselor!

God bless you and good luck. It sounds like you are on a winning track.
---Tigermom

-- posted by Tigermom

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» jacibelle - Thanks for the comments

In response to Thanks for the comments posted by sutrix:

Sutrix,

When you say you have hurt your wife...how exactly? My father is an undiagnosed N, he has all the symptoms. However, he has gotten somewhat better the last few years. I think he finally realized what he was doing.

-- posted by jacibelle

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» outback - Thanks for the comments

In response to Thanks for the comments posted by jacibelle:
I apologise if I am sending in the wrong blog or something. I feel I really need help with the idea of a "conscious" NPD. Firstly I feel so damned stupid that i can't just leave it all behind me. The idea that i have loved someone for 12 months who was not actually there just sends my mind into some kind of infathomable spin.
However my problem is this....my NPD female warned me early in the relationship she could not maintain relationships. I read in other places this is typical of rather a lot of NPD's. Why would she have said that? She does not understand her problem, but we talked a lot about her mind and she knows that there is something badly wrong. She says "switches" just go off in her head and terms what goes on some times as a (please excuse the expression it is hers) "head f..k" However the rest of her behaviour is typical NPD....all the characteristics are spot on. Learning about NPD has solved all the riddles for me bar one or two.

What is going on? Why do they give these sorts of warnings? Has she learned, at some time in the past, about these things and then uses this knowledge to somehow make herself feel more important? As often happens when i start to think about it all my brain sort of closes down and I can't think through it.

-- posted by outback

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» outback - "Conscious" NPD ?????

In response to "Conscious" NPD ????? posted by fossie1:
I have ended up with this comment twice here. I did not quite understand how the site worked and felt I had put it in the wrong place. It is my first note in here.

I apologise if I am sending in the wrong blog or something. I feel I really need help with the idea of a "conscious" NPD. Firstly I feel so damned stupid that i can't just leave it all behind me. The idea that i have loved someone for 12 months who was not actually there just sends my mind into some kind of infathomable spin.
However my problem is this....my NPD female warned me early in the relationship she could not maintain relationships. I read in other places this is typical of rather a lot of NPD's. Why would she have said that? She does not understand her problem, but we talked a lot about her mind and she knows that there is something badly wrong. She says "switches" just go off in her head and terms what goes on some times as a (please excuse the expression it is hers) "head f..k" However the rest of her behaviour is typical NPD....all the characteristics are spot on. Learning about NPD has solved all the riddles for me bar one or two.

What is going on? Why do they give these sorts of warnings? Has she learned, at some time in the past, about these things and then uses this knowledge to somehow make herself feel more important? As often happens when i start to think about it all my brain sort of closes down and I can't think through it.

-- posted by outback

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» joolz - "Conscious" NPD ?????

In response to "Conscious" NPD ????? posted by outback:

Hiya

Its really difficult to say what she's all about, she may well be very confused herself. They say that most NPDs dont know what they are. I think of it like this, if they have not learnt how to be loved unconditionally, they cannot love in return and use all kinds of coping mechanisms to get through life. To them, that is normal so how can they question it, they think you're too emotionally unstable to get a grip.

I too dont think that my ex sat and consciously made up ways to upset/hurt me, however, they do hurt you and if this is what you are putting up with, I really believe that you are better off away from the relationship. The problem is that if you stay with them, you have to find ways to condone what they do, tell yourself its no so bad, justify it and blame yourself. That cant be a good thing. In the end you will be completely confused about everything and everyone. I sit here now talking quite logically and understand this to be the case, yet in my own personal life, it has become one endless battle with myself. I don't know what is right or wrong anymore and most of all I cannot trust my own judgement.

I know how hard it is, when you care about someone, you want to help them, want to believe that they will get better but I'm afraid if it is NPD, they dont/cant.

I hope I havent brought you down more, best of luck

Joolz

-- posted by joolz

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» outback - "Conscious" NPD ?????

In response to "Conscious" NPD ????? posted by joolz:
Thanks Joolz

It's good to just have someone who knows about it say SOMETHING to me. Maybe I am a bit like you re the confidence in myself and my judgements, except I have only had 12 months of it, but it has sure shaken me and i am having trouble forming normal relationships now it seems. I thought the best description I have seen was the one...it's like a hall of mirrors but the hall is only reflections from the mirrors!

She SEEMS to have some self awareness but certainly could not put a label on it. Again as per my original question i guess...it might be just knowledge she has that helps her push me around to where she wants me.
You're right re she thinking me too emotionally unstable..that's the way it is and she thinks she is superior in that way. However the way she keeps her emotions under control is with diazepam. Every time she feel a bit emotional...she hits herself with a few. I read somewhere the chemistry of this just makes the core condition worse. She is also into dope and ecstacy...I understand she takes the first to put herself out and the second to allow her to "feel". Then she takes the diazepam to cope with the aftermath! By the time all that chemical has gone through her head you just have no idea what is going to come at you next! But one thing for sure ...it is never good!
The trouble I had was...and at that time I didn't know about this disorder. I just knew there was something seriously wrong that I thought if I could make her feel secure and love her enough it would get better...I could never bolt down the relationship enough to get control of the drugs.

Anyway Joolz...thank you for taking the trouble.. I feel kind of alone with it. There is no way anyone who hasn't lived with it could understand. I haven't struck anything like this before that I couldn't really handle and I'm 58 years old so as in "Scent of a Woman" ..."I've been around! you know!"!!!! There is nothing to get a damn grip of!
I AM trying to leave it alone..or throw it away or something but it's a bit like trying to throw away a fog that envelops you!!!!

Cheers

-- posted by outback

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» discovering - "Conscious" NPD ?????

In response to "Conscious" NPD ????? posted by ShadeyLady:

Hi
I broke up with my ex 2 weeks ago. I only found out he's a narcissist a week ago. I couldn't understand why I was always wrong in everything I did. We'd been together for about 2 months, but I'd known him for four years. I'm still under shock because it hasn't been long since I realized that my mind had been raped for such a long time. I couldn't bring myself to understand why he used to get angry at the little things I did 'wrong'.
At this point in my life I'm playing the four years over and over again and fitting missing pieces to the puzzle.
Should I talk to him if i meet him outside? We have common friends so I will probably see him out some day.

Thankyou

Discovering

-- posted by discovering

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» justwokeup - "Conscious" NPD ?????

In response to "Conscious" NPD ????? posted by discovering:

It is completely up to you, if you should talk to him. If interactions with him leave you feeling disoriented, than I would say no. Everyone's situation is different.

Joolz and I have children with our N's. Although she has a new life, she cannot terminate all contact. I still have to file for separation and START my new life. This is not a problem for me, though, because I have no desire for my N.

From the tone of your post, I would keep communication limited to polite in social situations, and I would not permit any other kind of situation to occur.

Good luck!

-- posted by justwokeup

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» discovering - "Conscious" NPD ?????

In response to "Conscious" NPD ????? posted by justwokeup:

Thank you very much. I will keep your advice in mind.

Discovering

-- posted by discovering

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