Personality Disorders

» RecoveringNS - Thank You Twisted Logic

In response to Thank You Twisted Logic posted by Dante72:
Dante,

I have had a long time connection with a nationally acclaimed writer who has numerous books on the best seller list of a major watch list in the U.S.

Your story would intrigue this writer I am sure - and fall squarely in line with her subject matter and forte. Wondering that this person might consider developing a novel around your story - or perhaps guiding you in writing it yourself eventually if that is what you want to do.

Who knows, writing a book might be a great way to speak the truth that is in you - maybe help others - and just maybe even help your finances eventually.

I will not contact her without your persmission.

Rec.

-- posted by RecoveringNS

» RecoveringNS - My New, Really Clever And Not At All Crazy Thinking

In response to My New, Really Clever And Not At All Crazy Thinking posted by Confused911:
Confused,

How GREAT to read your post this morning. I'm so glad you are beginning to feel empowered.

I know how painful it is when you first realize who and what the N is, and isn't, and can never be.

Camus penned, "There is no coming to consciousness without pain," and I think that really sums it up.

Pain is a healthy thing if we stop ignoring it or hoping it will go away on its own. Pain is a wake up call and once heeded, the healing can begin.

I too don't know how I would have come this far without the incredible support on this board from others who have walked where I have.

Explore what motivates you, what inspires you, what grounds you. Search out those things and embrace them.

Above all, be good to yourself! You deserve so much more than the N could ever bring to your life.

Love,
Recovering

-- posted by RecoveringNS

» RecoveringNS - New here....

In response to New here.... posted by neverno:
Welcome Neverno!

I happened upon this book recommendation just now and thought about you. Maybe it will offer some guidance?

http://www.bpdcentral.com/bks/spy.php

You wrote:

"....I have doubted that I could contribute anything that would be helpful...so many of you have been through so much worse than me and know so much more about this subject..."

Please don't for one minute think your input here wouldn't be appreciated or helpful. We are all (or have been) in your boat.

We are here to learn and support each other. We all have things to learn and support to lend.

Again, welcome!

Recovering

-- posted by RecoveringNS

» Stephen1012 - Should I Stay, Or Should I Leave

In response to Should I Stay, Or Should I Leave posted by Confused911:

Confused911,
Great post! The pros and cons list is a great idea. You're doing the right things. Recognizing and understanding.

Please be careful when you attempt to put an end to the relationship. You don't know how he is going to react. Be prepared for just about anything.

Don't underestimate what he's capable of. Please be careful.

Stephen

-- posted by Stephen1012

» Stephen1012 - My New, Really Clever And Not At All Crazy Thinking

In response to My New, Really Clever And Not At All Crazy Thinking posted by Confused911:
Confused911,
Hey - we're all here to support each other. We struggle with this stuff. It's not easy. Everyday brings new thoughts, realizations and emotions. Some of if is really uncomfortable. Hopefully, we learn about ourselves and take a good honest look at ourselves, our lives, our strengths and shortcomings. Most importantly - to be ok with ourselves and not require outside validation of us. I would say that is the BIGGEST part of all of this. Trying to get what we need from everywhere but from ourselves is what got us here in the first place.
Imagine trying to get validation from someone who really doesn't give a shit about us. How effective do any of us think that is? It's completely impossible. This is all new stuff for me so please excuse me if I'm going over the top with this.
It's all about KNOWING that we're loved and ok without someone telling us or showing us that we're lovable and safe and not alone. Is this easy to accomplish? Absolutely not - but it is absolutely possible! It comes with understanding why we NEED the outside to make us feel good inside. I'm at the top of the list of people that need the outside to make me feel good inside. That's why I'm hanging on to a realtionship that probably would have killed me. "IF she calls me and expresses anything that resembles caring - I'll feel good inside". Really? I'd feel better getting a call from a person who threatened to call the police and take out a restraining order against me because she was caught screwing another guy? That would make me feel ok inside? I HAVE to fix that!
Anyway - we're all doing the best we can to get to a better place. All of the support from everybody is incredibly valuable. Thank you all!

-- posted by Stephen1012

» Stephen1012 - From The Inside Out

In response to From The Inside Out posted by Confused911:
Confused911,
Hi! I'm happy that I was helpful. I'm also happy that you're moving forward. That's so great. I'm reading a book called, "Healing Your Aloneness - Through Healing You're Inner Child". I know it sounds corny and I never thought I'd read such a book but I have to say - it is incredibly accurate and helpful. It's making me see and realize things with great clarity. I highly recommend it.
Not to say that I'm "there" yet but I have moments where I feel connected to that little kid in me that was searching for love and approval from everyone and everywhere but myself. Again, I know it sounds corny but I've actually had conversations with me as a child and letting him know the abuse he (we) went through as a child had nothing to do with (him) us. It was all about someone else being disconnected and acting with their own disturbances. I've had to literally tell him that I'll take care of him and I'll love him and I'll treat him with kindness and caring. I know how strange and "out there" that this sounds but it's been really an emotional thing connecting to that scared and lost little kid. I know that's why I care so much about HER son - I know he's scared and lost. He reminds me of me when I was 10 years old. I just want to take him and hold him and let him KNOW that I love him, care about him and make him feel safe. It puts me in tears every day thinking baout him. I'm trying to have faith in God that I'll be given the opportunity to make a difference but the way things stand, I'm beginning to think that God's plan is different than mine.

So, the healing is not instantanous. It's going to take awhile. This healing is so much more than just healing the damage from being with a disturbed person and a truly dysfunctional relationship - it's the healing of things from long ago and years of operating from self preservation of those things. The good news - I feel so much more open, have such a greater feeling of wanting to give love, for being soft and kind like I've never felt before. I know right now that I'm far right with all of this and it's all very intense but through all of the panic, anxiety and hurt - it feels great. I encourage everyone on this site to seriously picture yourself when you were a child and maybe start a conversation asking him/her why they're hurting. I'm not a kook, really. I'm just doing what feels right to get to that place where I'm my own best company and friend. Nobody else can fill those shoes any better than us. Give it a try.

-- posted by Stephen1012

» UKChick - THERE IS LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL

In response to THERE IS LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL posted by Confused911:

Yes, off topic, but he is fantastic and I'm going to see him in Birmingham, UK, in April - on my own - that's how far I've come!

-- posted by UKChick

» TwistedLogic - From The Inside Out

In response to From The Inside Out posted by Stephen1012:
Hi Stephen:
I did the same thing. I read "Home Coming"...Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child by John Bradshaw

When I was a kid, I felt very alone because my parents always made up excuses for my mentally ill brother who was bi-polar. I knew I had to be "on guard" to sort out the chaos of cops at the door, dumped girlfriends calling crying, drunk driving arrests, car accidents and a real over the top affection for me which I managed to dodge. But I was only a kid, so it was sometimes too much pressure. My gut told me things in my home could be dangerous. It is not fair to not feel safe in your own home. My father was controlling and issued corpral punishment when needed too. In short, I rode my bike a lot.
Luckily my brother left home in his late teens...life was calmer.

When I read the book, it asked me to write to the inner child and apologise for not feeling safe and to promise that child that the grown up You understands what she went through and now, it would never happen again. I have a picture in my room of me when I was 3-4. I talk to it often and it reaffirms my commitment. I would even suggest carrying a small photo of yourself as a child on you, just to remind yourself to guard that precious child. It even helps if your inner child writes back and tells you how much she appreciate your care and love. I do this with my left hand so it looks like a small child wrote it...it is very healing.

The book explained that when you do not learn to trust people, you confuse intensity with intimacy, obsession with care and control with security. Co-dependency is fostered in unhealthy family systems.

This gave me the tools to heal my past and that is wonderful because it is what you don't know about yourself that runs you.

Nice post Stephen, good progress UK Chick and Recovering...you are always on the ball.

TL

-- posted by TwistedLogic

» Stephen1012 - From The Inside Out

In response to From The Inside Out posted by TwistedLogic:

TwistedLogic,
Thank you! Whew! I put that out there not knowing if I'd be banished to the nuthouse. Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone with this. I had that very thought of carrying the picture. It's becoming very clear that this inner child thing is real. I'm going to go about my life as if I'm responsible for a child and that I have to take care of him and his happiness. I won't do anything to myself that wouldn't be good for a small child. Anything that would create immediate or future harm, I'm going to have to think very hard about before proceeding. I will protect him from Any person who has the potential to do him harm. I need to make sure he has fun and finds his passion.

I have to say - I've never been into this kind of thing but it just makes sense. I've been so dead inside for so long because I've completely shut down any communication between the adult me and this little kid that's been screaming to be heard. IF I had been listening and paying attention - I would have NEVER allowed myself to be treated so abhorrently by HER. That was all about the co-dependency that you mentioned - ugly stuff. My entire life would be different. But I now have this opportunity to listen and treat both of us well. God - my parents would think I've lost my mind. Funny thing is - I'm probably just now finding it.

Thank you again for sharing your thoughts. I really appreciate your honesty and openess.

-- posted by Stephen1012

» deni411 - From The Inside Out

In response to From The Inside Out posted by TwistedLogic:

twisted...

that is so beautiful what you expressed here. Its a reminder of how precious the child in ourselves as adults carries the quest for innocence, validation and safety.

It was such a reminder to me of remaining true to ones own self and not forgetting that we attract people into our lives to try and work out and heal those past wounds that we all carry.

thank you for that. I am going to try and cultivate this into an exercise for myself and find a photo of myself at an early age as I also, can remember those fears and wounds at an early age.

I too, can remember so many times as a child of feeling afraid, unloved and unsafe. Experiences I have only scratched the surface on. Memories of my mother who threatened suicide to me on so many occasions. Memories of pain and not being able to express it. Memories of my father who was not in my life and when I did see him only a handful of times would never look me in the eye and express his love.

I did find myself blaming others for their mistreatment of me when I cultivated those relationships to try and expose my own hurt so that I may have another chance to get it right and understand and heal it.

I thank you for your post....I thank you for sharing your experience here.
You have clearly on so many occasions, shared this view of working on ourselves and not to put the blame on others so that we may be aware of our pain and the work we need to do on ourselves so that we may have healthier relationships.

always a student of life,
with gratitude and hugs,
deni

-- posted by deni411