Personality Disorders

» redback - HELP! How did I pick another Narcissist??

In response to HELP! How did I pick another Narcissist?? posted by joolz:

"...you find that the fear was so much more scary than the action...."

In say 5 years time, you'll probably think it couldn't have been all that scary coz you'll have almost forgotten it AND you got past it. I like affirmations that we can test to make sure they work. There is this thing called a 'self-fulfilling prophecy'. "I keep telling myself "I'm not good with my hands." Now, it may be that the objective fact is I'm not good with my hands or it could be my brain to hand co-ordination coulda been great but has simply given up.

-- posted by redback

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» joolz - HELP! How did I pick another Narcissist??

In response to HELP! How did I pick another Narcissist?? posted by redback:

Hi Red

I was talking retrospectively, in fact it is 5 years since I left. Unfortunately, it took me this long to start recovering, mostly because of the ongoing trouble n court battle but also because of my inability to deal with the underlying issues. I'm very good at sweeping it all under the carpet n pretending its not/hasnt been happening, then wondering why I feel so depressed.

You're quite right about the self-fulfilling prophecies, I've found the affirmations really helpful in pulling myself out of my depressive states. In the end, we are in control of our emotions and the more you tell yourself something, the more it becomes real. Just as in depression we tell ourselves hurtful things, how inadequate we are, telling yourself positive affirmations, however much you don't believe it to begin with, really does start to work. Anyway, I know you already know that, just explaining for the benefit of anyone else out there that has not discovered it yet.

Regards

Joolz

-- posted by joolz

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» justwokeup - HELP! How did I pick another Narcissist??

In response to HELP! How did I pick another Narcissist?? posted by redback:

Hmmmm ... thanks, cyber dad, er, uh ... red

Perhaps I did convey a desperation. Although, sometimes I think I convey a cockiness. When I am in 'professional' mode, I lose the 'uhs' that I don't mind in my casual speech. I tend to use the over-used terms like 'team player', 'autonomous worker', 'multi-tasking', etc. But what else to do? I mean, I need to answer the questions as succinctly as possible, which requires certain words/phrases. *eye roll* I have to think about your advice, that my answers should cover two questions, because that results in the 'succinct' delivery I am looking for. Thank you very much!

As for the first part of your post: "Exactly what ideal person are we trying to compare ourselves to or compete with?" I can honestly say, for the first time in my life, "no one". I might have said that last year because most of us like to believe that we are individuals, but this year, having learned so much painful truth about myself and my co-dependent traits, I know that I did hold myself to the standards of my 'inner tyrant'. I also think you just gave me part of the answer to the question I ask myself all day, every day, which is, "What is this detached feeling?" I know I am healthier and stronger than I ever dreamed possible for me, and I embrace it. However, it scares the poopy out of me, as well. It scares because (1) it feels foreign and (2) I do not compare myself to anyone anymore ... not an inner tyrant, not to someone who appears to 'have it all together', not to some impossibly perfect ideal. This, red, is a gem. I have wrestled with this for months ... this detached feeling. But I think that my subconscious really has released the idea that there is a benchmark, and this feeling of detachment may actually be ... independence.

hmmh ... very interesting ... thank you!

just woke up

-- posted by justwokeup

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» redback - HELP! How did I pick another Narcissist??

In response to HELP! How did I pick another Narcissist?? posted by justwokeup:

Just joking about the "dad" thingo. I woulda been only 16. ABC

What we're doing here is talking about getting a job. Crikey, other problems barely rated a mention, didja notice? So, on that sidetracking theme, I've interviewed countless applicants and also have had to complete countless evaluations. And for me, I've asked many times for (ruthless) feedback on why I missed out.

Talking the walk? You show you're a team player by the example you can give of it or how you would tackle a theoretical problem within a team...and go for the 'highest' example. 'Autonomous'? The same as being able to work to minimal instruction, without supervision, exercising initiative, discretion...or you know all the rules?

What you write and what you say depends on the application and the job. Over here, it can require you to address several specific selection criteria. That's also where you make every post a winner. Any applications that don't address core points may not make it.

'detached feeling' is an interesting term for a hard to describe feeling. Tis all OK but that with 'inner tyrant' takes a different tack to mine. I like to think we are greater than the sums of our parts...so don't rely on any one part for answers...if that makes sense. When you sell your much familiar home and before you get the new house to feel like your home, you feel...homeless? I like the greater sense of 'independence'.

-- posted by redback

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» redback - step by step

In response to HELP! How did I pick another Narcissist?? posted by joolz:

Ongoing court battles? Some things are less urgent & less important and some things are both important and urgent or important and less urgent. Is that all of 'em?

I seem to have something that still generally kicks me up the bum usually when I need it most and helps me know the difference between the milk and my cornflakes. And a clumsy hand that spills the milk...to mix metaphors.

Knowing the theory of these things isn't always a blessing. I recall a very bad breakup with a lady who I then tried to avoid "for the rest of my life" by walking straight past her shop ...every day. Deep breath..fumbled words...and we talked it through later over coffee. Now I smile, poke my head in, wave on my way past. My developing phobia over a motorbike accident with multiple injuries. Some months after full physical recovery, my sister and her hubby finally convinced me to go back to the scene of the accident. This is the one where I got a sense the fear...and it was overwhelming...ended up an anticlimax. Transition to being comfortable never returning to the motorbike. Grief vs denial?

Other examples I've quoted here over the years. But it all goes to the point that the first "brave" step needn't be the biggest we'll make in our lives.

-- posted by redback

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» justwokeup - HELP! How did I pick another Narcissist??

In response to HELP! How did I pick another Narcissist?? posted by redback:

Hi red,

I had to smile when you said that you like to think that we are greater than the sum of our parts; I just said that to someone yesterday. Until this year, I was so pathetically empathetic, I could not even watch a tv show like 'I Love Lucy' because I feel the embarrassment of the characters! I rarely watch tv, but when I do, anyone that knows me knows I keep leaving the room because I can't stand how she constantly makes a fool of herself. Yeah ... I was that bad. So, in addition to dismissing my own emotions, I was completely swamped by those of people around me or even something on tv. Now, just last night, my N was watching something that so intrigued me, that I had to step in and watch for ten minutes or so. It was a touching story where the lungs of a young suicide victim saved the life of an afflicted young adult, and he met the parents of the girl that died, etc. Tears came to my eyes and I had to control my breathing so I would not cry. That's the real me, and I was so relieved (when I thought about it later) because there were times this year that I seriously wondered if this 'detached' feeling was 'becoming numb' because I was so damaged by my N.

I still wrestle with it but I do believe that it's just the strangeness of it all. It's not that new, but compare it to the rest of my life, and it is.

Anyway, I just keep plodding along because, really, what else can I do? I can't just sit like a lump and contemplate my feelings all day. I have things to do. Besides, there are parts I really like. I like that my emotions don't get stuck in my anymore. I don't even think about it; they just don't! I like that my brain doesn't channel surf anymore; I am 'in the moment' without making an effort. Those aspects of overcoming my co-dependent traits are just a Godsend. I will adjust to this strange 'detached' feeling.

With the holidays coming up, I now have a slew of new things bubbling up, but I don't even know how to put it into words yet.

Thanks for the pointers re: the job. It's hard when the application is online and you're checking blocks or given limited space to compose a blurb. However, if I were to develop concise, info-packed blurbs for phone interviews, based on what you said, I could practice enough that they'd roll off my tongue smoothly during an interview. The job I do now is a perfect example of being autonomous, but I don't describe it that way. I'll update my resume' for those applications that allow it to be attached. I have all those years of volunteering examples to show my leadership and team player skills. Okay. Take a couple of steps to the side to see a different perspective. Thanks, red!

just woke up

-- posted by justwokeup

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» redback - HELP! How did I pick another Narcissist??

In response to HELP! How did I pick another Narcissist?? posted by justwokeup:

You're doing well.

Glad the sum of the parts thingo resonated with you. There's lots of issues it relates to. Love me, love my "dog".

I'm guessing re jobseeking, the US experience and the Aussie experience can be different at an attitudinal or cultural level. But online set form applications are increasing in favour here too. And email free-er form applications. It can be interesting to check companies etc out online to see if they give any of their "game" away. There are government jobs here that are advertised in gazettes that you can't pick these up at the newsagents and only high flyer jobs seem to make it to the paper. But they're available online with Info Packs etc.

"I like that my brain doesn't channel surf anymore;"

I think you're ahead of me on that...but you are probably referring to uncontrolled surfing?

-- posted by redback

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» justwokeup - HELP! How did I pick another Narcissist??

In response to HELP! How did I pick another Narcissist?? posted by redback:

Hi red,

What ever differences there are between our two countries, with regard to job hunting, I do believe that anything you have to say will help me. That is a good idea: check out their websites and see if there's a clue I can use to my advantage. In addition to looking in medical environments, I hope to take some civil service tests in the new year and put my military time to use in a full time rated position. I would like to work in a field, in an environment, that would enable me to be employable anywhere.

ha ha ... yes, I was referring to uncontrolled channel surfing (in my brain).

My sons had an episode today, got into a little tussle. A few months ago, I would have made this into a federal case in my brain ... how the stress in our home was manifesting in their aggression, blah, blah, blah. I don't think so much anymore. The stress in our home may or may not be a factor. The fact that they're young men with testosterone coursing through their veins ... that it's cold outside ... that their argument is an old one that surfaces occasionally ... could all be factors. You know what? It's not a big deal. It is what it is. I know this relaxed reaction of mine is a result of letting go of my covertly controlling co-dependent traits. I don't have to like what they do but they're young men with their own relationship, independent of me being their mother, and I don't have to stick my nose in it. Ahhhhhh ... what a relief! I don't have to control everything and when things don't go as they're *supposed to*, it's not a reflection on me.

life is good

justwokeup

-- posted by justwokeup

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» coffeegirl28 - No contact from me for 10 days!

So I have read and followed the addivice you have kindly given to me I have not emailed or blogged anout the N boyfriend who completely abandond me and my kids. He has been checking though in the blog, I assume for anything about him. My blog logs the referal address that is how I know he has checked. Its been 10 days , and I feel better then I had been waiting for a reply. I am worried now that if I just go awy like you sugest he will return once I am close to getting over the heart break! How can I prepair fo this and is this something anyone else has dealt with?

-- posted by coffeegirl28

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» justwokeup - No contact from me for 10 days!

In response to No contact from me for 10 days! posted by coffeegirl28:

Yes, I think it is safe to say that most N-victims, if not all, have gotten 'reeled back in'. What I am going to say is NOT scientific, and it probably is not right for everyone, so treat it as it is: a suggestion.

It's your brain that knows you are done. It's your heart that wants to give him another chance. Your heart cannot be rational, anymore than your eyes can hear or your ears can see. Let your heart ramble because she needs to be heard, but do NOT let her make decisions! Your brain can make decisions but it is easily influenced by your heart, or you would not be in this predicament. Men, generally speaking, have compartmentalized brains and women, generally speaking, have multi-tasking brains. It's a man's compartmentalized brain that empowers him to make a decision and not give it another thought. Period. Done. In this situation, you would do well to pretend your brain worked like that. Your heart will argue with you. She will try to convince your subconscious mind to change. You must make the conscious decision that you are done and that NOTHING can change your mind. You know how devious the N is, so no miracles are going to happen ... he's just looking for another source and will do whatever he can to find it.

After all that rambling, let me distill it for you: You have NO chance for happiness with him. You have hope for happiness without him. Decide that you are done and do not change your mind.

*inhale, exhale* Best wishes to you ...

just woke up

-- posted by justwokeup

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