Borderline Personality
The Labile Pendulum
© Sam Vaknin
May 20, 2006
The main dynamic in the Borderline Personality Disorder is abandonment anxiety.
The fact that the Borderline personality disorder is often found among women makes it a controversial mental health diagnosis. Some scholars say that it is a culture-bound pseudo-syndrome invented by men to serve a patriarchal and misogynistic society. Others point to the fact the lives of patients diagnosed with the disorder are chaotic and that the relationships they form are stormy, short-lived, and unstable. Moreover, not unlike compensatory narcissists, people with the Borderline Personality Disorder often display labile (wildly fluctuating) sense of self-worth, self-image and affect (expressed emotions).
Like both narcissists and psychopaths, borderlines are impulsive and reckless. Like histrionics, their sexual conduct is promiscuous, driven, and unsafe. Many borderlines binge eat, gamble, drive, and shop carelessly, and are substance abusers. Lack of impulse control is joined with self-destructive and self-defeating behaviors, such as suicidal ideation, suicide attempts, gestures, or threats, and self-mutilation or self-injury.
The main dynamic in the Borderline Personality Disorder is abandonment anxiety. Like codependents, borderlines attempt to preempt or prevent abandonment (both real and imagined) by their nearest and dearest. They cling frantically and counterproductively to their partners, mates, spouses, friends, children, or even neighbors. This fierce attachment is coupled with idealization and then swift and merciless devaluation of the borderline's target.
Exactly like the narcissist, the borderline patient elicits constant narcissistic supply (attention, affirmation, adulation, approval) to regulate her gyrating sense of self-worth and her chaotic self-image, to shore up serious, marked, persistent, and ubiquitous deficits in self-esteem and Ego functions, and to counter the gnawing emptiness at her core.
The Borderline Personality Disorder is often co-diagnosed (is comorbid) with mood and affect disorders. But all borderlines suffer from mood reactivity.
From an entry I wrote for the Open Site Encyclopedia:
"(Borderlines) shift dizzyingly between dysphoria (sadness or depression) and euphoria, manic self-confidence and paralyzing anxiety, irritability and indifference. This is reminiscent of the mood swings of Bipolar Disorder patients. But Borderlines are much angrier and more violent. They usually get into physical fights, throw temper tantrums, and have frightening rage attacks.
When stressed, many Borderlines become psychotic, though only briefly (psychotic micro-episodes), or develop transient paranoid ideation and ideas of reference (the erroneous conviction that one is the focus of derision and malicious gossip). Dissociative symptoms are not uncommon ("losing" stretches of time, or objects, and forgetting events or facts with emotional content)."
Hence the term "borderline" (first coined by Otto F. Kernberg). The Borderline Personality Disorder is on the thin (border) line separating neurosis from psychosis.
In-depth information about various personality disorders here:
http://open-site.org/Health/Conditions_and_Diseases/Psychiatric_Disorders/Personality/
http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faqpd.html
The copyright of the article
Borderline Personality in
Personality Disorders is owned by
Sam Vaknin. Permission to republish
Borderline Personality in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
Comments
May 22, 2006 2:59 AM
christie girouard :
Hello,
I am new to this site. I have been devouring information about Personality Disorders over the past 4 months. I am now able to recognize the "Narcissitic" behavior of my XNH. This has helped me in ways that I can not express. It will never be OK, but at least it makes some kind of sense to me. I no longer flatter myself into thinking that his "revenge" has anything to do with me. It really is all about him.
While I am actually learning empathy for my X, I am recovering from the knowledge that my 21 year old daughter is a high functioning Borderline. My family has been to hell and back over the past 5 years. My daughter has been accusing me of "abandoning" her since she turned 16. Her emotions became her reality making her perceptions of shared events outrageous. I am accused of saying and doing things that I never said or did. It is life on a knife's edge. I once told my daughter, "I feel like I have handed you a loaded gun, turn out all the lights, and let you shoot at me in the dark."
It was to the point that we all thought we were crazy. The manipulation and mind games became so great that I finally did ask her to leave. I abandoned her creating the self fulfilled prophecy. I sent her to live with her dad....the narcissist. Now, with the 2 of them having joined forces...the sickness and dysfunction is off the map.
I am in counseling, grieving the loss of the daughter I thought I had. My dreams and hopes for the future are new and different. Not necessarily bad...just realistic. Because narcissism and borderlines act like "teenagers", I had hoped it was a phase.
The sad thing is my daughter is majoring in psychology. She will be a senior in college, and we have had little to no contact in the past 2 years. She always comes back to, "Well, you threw me out." Her dad is right there to fan that flame.
I share my story as a mom dealing with personality disorder. I life that I can not divorce myself from. A journey that will remain ongoing.
Sincerely,
Christabel
May 22, 2006 3:52 PM
ghulkman :
Christabel ..... Very sorry for what you are
going thru ....
Please go to the following discussion site
on BPD here @ Suite 101.com
http://www.suite101.com/discussion.cfm/borderline_personality/89385
This is a very good discussion on High_Functioning BPD's ..... Please join the conversation.
Jul 26, 2006 8:25 PM
joe mason :
After a phone call from an unknown number from my ex talking about marriage and getting my number changed, and ignoring e-mails from my Ex Girlfriend the borderline for months, I finally responded, taking the advice of an associate.
The e-mail from her expressed what she usally says to me, that she has such a love/hate relationship for me and that she wants me in her life but she doesn't know exactly what she wants. The e-mail was pages long, an update of her life, as if I care and contained numerous contradictions. I replied, simply saying leave me alone, I don't want to be your friend. In response, I got hate mail and threats. These e-mails were the meanest and most cruel e-mails possible knocking everything about my personal to family life. Here we go again, one minute she loves me, and then she hates me.
She even claimed that she would ruin my senior year of college by spreading rumors about me and exposing my personal life. All because I told her to leave me alone lol. WOW. This is not high school, she is so childish acting like a teen. Another symptom of borderline personality. There is no reasoning with this maniac whatsoever. Soon, as usual, she will probably send me some e-mails claiming how much she loves me and that she's sorry.I should have taken Ghulkman's advice a while ago and got the restraining order. Now, I finally am :).
Jul 27, 2006 4:44 AM
L. P. :
Now that you have made it clear that you want her to leave you alone, you also need to make sure you do not respond to her again. It is a scary thing to have a stalker but every time you make contact with them, either positive or negative, it gives them hope. It is best to ignore them after stating that you will not be contacting them again and then stick to it.
Jul 27, 2006 6:18 AM
ghulkman :
Good Morning "CPA" ....
Sorry your situation has "Escalated" to this
"Low" point ..... but PLEASE (for legal reasons)
get the RETRAINING ORDER & "Cut-off" ALL & ANY
contact with her.
She more than likely is "Low Functioning BPD" ...
but possibly has other MENTAL DISORDERS (comorbid)
as well.
She is a "Psycho-Wacko" who you NEED to steer
VERY CLEAR of & stay TOTALLY away from.
Please GET IT DONE TODAY .... especially the
RESTRAING ORDER .... which will give you a LEGAL
LEG to stand on !!!!!
Good Luck & keep us posted.....
"Hulk"
Jul 28, 2006 3:11 PM
x :
Hi everyone..
I'd like to thank everyone for posting their thoughts, especially the abuse victims of these disorders. It is incredibly helpful to read your stories. I am posting not as a victim of abuse, but as an abuser. I fit the criteria for BPD and/or NPD. I have only recently been able to see/admit this behaviour and the negative impact it has had. I want to change, but I am having tremendous difficulty. The habitual ways of thinking/reacting are so strong, I am unable to seperate the "good person" from those negative patterns. I have become quite suicidal as a result.
I spent a year in India studying and practicing Buddhist meditation and getting very deep into spirtual ideas and lifestyle trying to heal and find a cure for the anger, self-absorption and bitter blame that normally consumes my thinking. It worked for a while. I felt happy and at peace with myself and the world around me. I was optomistic and "high on life".
Upon returning suddenly to Western life, I crashed right back into my old lifestyle. In the 8 months since, I've collasped under massive depression. I've been unable to maintain the peace. Worse, I have become cynical of the "stupidity" of religious ideas again, turning against what gave me strength before. I have seen myself slip right back into my "old self", and all the anger, hate and bitterness has returned, stronger than ever.
I'm trying my best to develop alternative behavorial / self-concepts now, but I fear that the damage is too great. I don't know how to properly heal from what feels like a very very deeply ingrained personality, disordered or not. I feel deeply conflicted, on one hand knowing how I'd react in the past, and on the other, not being comfortable doing so anymore -- or worse -- being unable to stop myself and watching in silent self-hating horror as I act out again that way.
I seem to be (pardon the langauge) a "born asshole" -- egomanical, unconsciously manipulating, stubborn, difficult to interact with, inflexible and aggressive in my opinions and actions, and wrecklessly eccentric. I always have been! I've burned bridges, sabotaged my career almost willingly, and have alientated myself from everyone close to me. I hate myself, but seem unable to stop this cycle of abusing others or myself.
Much of this behaviour I can recognize now thanks to sites like this and months of meditative depression to think about it. But I owe so much of "who I am" to that behaviour that without it, I am
Jul 29, 2006 10:50 AM
ghulkman :
Hello "NoHave" ...
It takes courage to admit you are MENTALLY ILL
and want HELP !!!!
Good for YOU .... you've come to the RIGHT place!!
Sam Vaknin, (PHD) is the originator of this site
and the author of the book entitled ...
"Malignant Self Love" ....
BUY IT & READ IT !!!!!!!
Also, read ALL of Sam's "Links" he gives you on
these various sites @ Suite101.com.
Please GET HELP & start becoming HEALTHY (mentally) for the first time in your life....
"Hulk"
Jul 29, 2006 9:01 PM
Katy Guydos :
I am at my last resort. I have and admit to having Borderline Personality Disorder. I have extremely strong symptoms that control my life. I am at wits end and don't know what to do. Knowing I have it doesn't fix it and the doctor's in North Idaho don't seem to know much. Medicine only seems to help briefly. I am wondering if anyone knows of any sort of in-patient care that would help. I fear nothing else will help and I just want to be normal. I've read about treatments that seem to help but apparently not in my neck of the woods. I have lost everything. My kids, my best friend of nine years and the love of my life-after he became my boyfriend (then things changed), my home (because he kicked me out, etc.....
I don't want to lose what's left of my will to live.
I hate to and am embarrassed to say these things publicly but as I said- I think I'm at my wits end.
I am a smart, funny caring person when I can maintain 'normal' for lack of better wording. And all I want is to be that person all the time without being the 'crazy' one too, that nobody can stand to love or be around.
I haven't spoken to my mother since I was 16 and always blamed her for it and accused her of abandoning me. Now I've chased off someone I love very much with the same accusations and such. I've come to realize how much it was me and not them. I only hope to find a way to fix the problem before it becomes too late for my four children to have a 'normal' life and 'normal' mom.
If anyone has any ideas, help, or suggestions please feel free to help soon.
Jul 30, 2006 9:27 AM
ghulkman :
Good Morning "Kat" ....
It takes tremendous COURAGE to actually admit
to us here you are suffering from a VERY SERIOUS
MENTAL DISORDER that not only is ruining your
life ..... but the lives of other's around you.
I have GREAT RESPECT for your dsire to WANT to
get better.
Please read my post on this discussion (It's the
#2 post to Christabel) ...... there is current
discussion on "High Functioning BPD's" going on
that will GREATLY benefit you !!!!!
Please "Click" on that link and welcome to the
discussion!!!!!
"Hulk"
Jul 31, 2006 7:44 PM
L. P. :
Dear Katy,
It sounds like you are at a good place to find help and start making improvements in your life, that will benefit you and your loved ones.
One thing I would like to say, is that while we may not always be "normal", we can try to make improvements in our relationships and try to understand more.
I would think that maybe finding a professional to help you would be a good place to start. If you can find a therapist that can work with you and help you make the changes in your thinking, maybe give you some tools for how to deal with others, possibly provide medication of that is something that could help. Seems like that might be a good place to start.
I often wonder why I do not follow my own advice, I think I can relate to you when you say it is hard to speak openly about it.
However, the professionals that work with these disorders are not really surprised or shocked by it all and if it can be something that helps it might be a good place to start. Forget the stigma and just try to make your life the best you can make of it. Hope to hear from you again here.
Aug 2, 2006 10:23 AM
Rebecca Greene :
hi, my boyfriend has bpd and he is suicidal. he has threatened suicide and cut and burned himself in front of me and threatens suicide if i leave him. he needs help, but doesn't have any money for counseling. he is a recovering drug addict also. when i go to work to support us, because he is too depressed to work, he gets upset that i am leaving him there in his pain alone. im at work right now and he is at home and he told me he cut himself today and was going to do it again and that i needed to come home immediately. i am living on the edge of my finances and i can't afford to lose my job. this same thing happened just five days ago and i left work to be with him but i can't keep leaving work because i'll lose my job... but he asks what does a job matter to me if he is dead. i am terrified to leave him because i am afraid he will kill himself, and i am madly in love with him as well, and want desperately for him to get help so we can have the stable life together I dreamed about. i have been reading about bpd online just today and it fits him so perfectly, but im scared because he doesnt want to get treatment right now even if we could afford it, he says, and the sites say treatment is not very effective anyway. i haven't been talking to friends or family about this because he checks my emails and so forth, and i am afraid he will find out. i just need to know what to do about going to work when he is flipping out and claims to be suicidal. if i came home to find him dead, my life will be destroyed too. i just cant keep leaving work every 3-4 days. someone please help me.
Aug 3, 2006 12:31 AM
L. P. :
Dear Scared,
there is a site for bpd. I don't know as much about that as narcissism. I will say that you might need to get some good counseling as to the best ways to react or not react to him. All that kind of thing can be really manipulative and I would strongly suggest you get some professional advice as to the best ways you can help him.
Also, I hope that he shall not ever harm himself, but i want you to know that if he were to do that, it is not your fault. There might be a way to find counseling for him since he does not have any money for it. Maybe a local hospital, women's center, police or fire department, might have that kind of information as to where to get help.
You can't lose your job and your life, that is not fair. You can help him but don't let him take you with him on this self destructive path. You need to reach out to someone so you do not carry this burden alone.
Aug 11, 2006 7:40 PM
Janet Melville :
DBT is the most HIGHLY Affective treatment for BPD. Please remember that a diagnosis is only there to direct treatment and in the case of BPD DBT(Dialectic Behavioural Therapy) is it. Probably some skill you could use right now is distress tolerance.
Heres a simple excercise you can try that helps me stay grounded when I feel like I'm losing control of my life:
Its called 5-4-3-2-1 and what you do is
name 5 things you see
name 5 things you hear
name 5 things you physically feel
name 4 things you see
name 4 things you hear
nmae 4 things you physically feel and so on 3 things, 2 things and 1 thing.
You DO NOT need to find new things every time sometimes the redundance actually helps you refocus.
Here's a website to find a list of dr's and therapists that treat BPD:
http://www.mhsanctuary.com/borderline/bpdlist.htm and here's a website to find all the DBT skills that can help you while you get yourself set up with a therapist:
http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/
and you can also try TARA - they have lots of information: http://www.tara4bpd.org/
I hope this helps you and when all else fails just keep breathing. You can come out the other end of the "dark scary tunnel" I know. I've been there myself.
Take care of yourself
Aug 13, 2006 3:57 PM
catbuck :
if he hurts himself in front of you or is continually threatening suicide you must dial 911 and let some professionals intervene. attempted suicide is often handled by mandatory mental observation and treatment once the authorities are contacted. you are not responsible for anyone's actions but your own. no matter how much you care about him, you cannot let these terrifying threats control your life...that only proves to him that the extreme manipulation works in his favor. he needs professional treatment and fast.
Oct 2, 2006 7:09 AM
John Koulouris,(Esq.) :
Hello;
My story is logged in 9 diary volumes, (am I ever glad for being wise enough to do so), but I'll give you a small idea of what I have gone through in any case, and the symptoms surrounding a BPD and/or HPD personality.
I met her in early 1999, and she seemed to be the ultimate "everything" any decent man would ever
want to have met.
For the first 6 months it was awesome to say the least. Then the first false charge was filed with the authorities, simply because I refused to have chips with her on the couch and went to sleep.
I was placed under court conditions not to approach her. My phone never stopped ringing.
15-20 calls a day came in, as she begged me to go and see her at our place. So being the
guy with a tremendous heart and compassion for her, I broke my conditions and went to see her,
only to see her call the police on me and file charges against me again about 5 days later, because
she had something in that Borderline/ Histrionic mind of hers that told her that I did not want to approach her
intimately.
I wrote poetry for her and published it in an anthology, painted her nails, cooked for her, and when I was
not collapsing from epilepsy seizures because of the stress, I was giving her back massages 2 or 3
times a day, (45-50 minutes per session).
I kissed her sister on the cheek and received 3 hours of continuous verbal abuse, and then got kicked out
of the house with half of my wardrobe in a plastic bag, and the other half in the closet at home.
I am a planetary cartographer who has participated in the JPL/NASA/ESA Solar System Exploration Missions (Galileo, Magellan, Ulysses, MGS, and presently Cassini) in an international endeavor to map the Solar Systems Planets and Major/Minor orbiting satellites.
I also have submitted some 1,200 names to the International Astronomical Union for the official
naming of Continents (terra), Plains (planitia), craters, and other Solar System Planetary Features.
In 1992, I completed a map of the surface of Venus (Mercator Projection) in the Greek and English
Languages, to promote the female spirit. This map has been sent to Archives, University libraries,
Space agencies, and royal families, and has been acknowledged. By the way, the surface of Venus
can only be named by submitting FEMALE names. Only 1 name is masculine on the Venus Surface,
MAXWELL Montes, which is the tallest peak on the planet Venus and named after a Male Scientist.
This is what I
Oct 2, 2006 9:48 AM
ghulkman :
Hey "AO" ....
Very interesting post ..... sorta' like reading a Master's Thesis.
The REALITY of MENTAL DISORDERS is that
we have to deal with those people on a
DAILY BASIS....in ALL Facets of life.
It is NOT against the LAW to be Mentally Ill ...... nor is it against the Law for
Mentally Ill people to HAVE kids or even
TEACH our kids in Private or Public
Schools.
Personality Disorders ARE Mental Illness,
and should not be TAKEN or TREATED "lightly" by ANYONE.
IF a Mental Illness is affecting you in
ANY WAY ...... I agree .... get help for
YORSELF!!!!! There's nothing you can do
anyway for the Mentally Afflicted unless
you PRAY for them to get the Professional
HELP they desperately NEED.
If you see you children adversely affected by either a Mentally Ill EX or
even OTHER Family Members ..... get a
Court Injunction (or whatever) .... and
get them OUT of that situation ASAP.
Thanks for your post "AO" .....
"Hulk"
Oct 2, 2006 10:02 AM
ghulkman :
Hey "Cat" .....
If he is threatening you or going to "hurt" himself in front of you... call the Authorities with 911 and protect
YOURSELF !!!!!!
Would be BEST (if you can) to COMPLETELY
stay away from this Individual until they can exhibit to you that they are receiving the PROFESSIONAL care that they obviously need !!!!!!
"Hulk"
Nov 12, 2006 11:42 PM
John Koulouris,(Esq.) :
ghulkman;
Very few people would argue that mentally-ill individuals do not deserve to be treated with dignity. However, what I know as a fact is that the lawyers hardly give a damn about who suffers in a relationship where a person is mentally ill. Lawyers just want to see the cash...Period. If you don't let them know that you are ready to sue, they keep at it trying to make an extra dollar no matter what. I know a senior judge, who
is in his 70's who is a friend of the family, and if you can hear what I just stated in this posting to you from his own mouth, just think of what goes on behind the scenes which nobody knows about.
To make things simple, yes, I agree with you that everyone has a right to life.
But as I said in my first posting which desctibes my experience with a Borderline/NPD/HPD, it has reached a point where anyone can stick anyone else in jail just for the thrill of knowing that you have fooled everyone with the unethical and immoral lie. Now think of how a parent who is mentally ill can contribute to their child's future when they are so ready to deceive the law, and in the process of doing so deceive their own self. Let me tell you how it feels when you are lying dead on a hospital table because everyone has branded you guilty when innocent.....It feels.....
LIKE NOTHING.
But time teaches everyone a lesson...especially those who think that they can be a somebody by scarring someone else for nothing.
Agatha Christie once said:
"Where money is involved, don't trust anyone"
I say: "When the time comes that everyone shall have to cross the River Styx, with Charon the Boatman in order to reach the Underworld, that is where the True Judge
shall await to pass verdict."
I thank you for your time , and for replying to my posting.
With Best Regards, and God's Speed...
AstereionOrion (AO).
http://www.angelfire.com/space2/endevour/Album/
Nov 13, 2006 9:30 AM
ghulkman :
Hey "AO" ....
Nice to see you posting back on the "board" here ......
You have great "Spirit" & "Wisdom".
I TOTALLY agree with the money comment.
Also to be added ......
The mentally disordered are STILL potentially DANGEROUS until they are successfully TREATED (Which doesn't happen too often, unfortunately) ....
"Hulk"
Nov 19, 2006 8:58 PM
Haley E Cose :
Please understand that your boyfriend is manipulating you. I'm saying this because I've experienced this as well. My boyfriend of two years and I had a rocky (at best relationship). He continually threatened suicide, even after my brother's recent suicide. It's called emotional manipulation, and he's using it to control you. Does he "restrict" you from going out with friends, ever accuse you of cheating on him? His life is HIS responsibility, especially the decision to get help. Since your boyfriend doesn't make any income, he may qualify for mental health, that's free therapy. You should call and talk to them. It's important to encourage him to get help, encourage his family to help, but also not let him control you by his actions. I've been through many cuttings, overdoses, and other attempts, and this is the man I wanted to marry. It is painful but sometimes you do all you can and that's all you can do. I hope everything goes well for you.
Nov 20, 2006 9:43 AM
ghulkman :
Hey "Scared" ....
What you are describing to me is a person suffering AT LEAST from
Borderline Personality Disorder of the
"Low Functioning" type.
Do a "Yahoo" or "Google" search about
Low Functioning vs. High Functioning BPD
and just start READING!!!!!
Sorry .... there is really NOTHING you can do for him at this point.
BE CAREFUL & take care of YOURSELF!!!!
"Hulk"
Nov 24, 2006 4:54 AM
christie girouard :
Hello John aka AstereionOrion,
I have been a contributor to the High Functioning BPD discussion for several months. I was humbled by your story, and feel compelled to share some thoughts with you.
Your recollections of being falsely accused and arrested are familiar to me. However, my reenactment would find the accusors as my parents. At 18 I was arrested while walking down the street with my German Shepard for destroying valuable antique furniture. Years of histrionics by my mother found me climbing into the back of the cruiser complacent and calm. It was all way too typical and familiar. Just one more chapter in my life born to a woman who lived by a code of histrionics, hallucenations and mental illness. As a child, I was powerless to evoke change. I just needed to survive.
To date, I am about to turn 50. I am married blissfully to my second husband and am the mother of 3 beautiful children. My 21 year old is a high functioning borderline. I no longer permit or tolerate any form of abuse. Not from anyone...not even my own child.
I have created very clear and present boundaries. I am careful about having expectations. When my counselor asked me, "What do you want for your daughter?" I replied that I only wanted for her to be happy. "Be mindful of that." was her answer, "For you are wishing her your version of happiness."
John, we can wish things for other people, but they have to want it for themselves. Our truest power is within. Power that comes by our own choices. Not by what others choose for us.
I have distanced with love. Letting go doesn't mean you don't care. I love my daughter with all my heart, but I won't go down a path of destruction trying to prove it. She knows it is here for the taking. It is up to her to want to come and get it. I don't live my life waiting, however. There is great beauty in seizing life and all of its blessings. I am so grateful for the journey and the path that brought to this moment. I have found my peace. I pray you find yours.
Love,
Christabel
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