Protecting Yourself from Psychopaths

How to Identify and Avoid a Sociopathic Predator

Aug 9, 2008

Psychopaths (also known as sociopaths) present significant emotional (or even physical) danger, but there are a number of ways that you can protect yourself.

Good people are vulnerable to manipulation by psychopaths because they wouldn’t harm others and so they’re not inclined to be suspicious—good people tend to assume that other people are good as well. And psychopaths don’t look like diabolical monsters. They appear ordinary, or even attractive.

In Without Conscience, Robert Hare notes the common perception that people have when interacting with a psychopath that “something’s wrong here but I can’t quite put my finger on it.” Psychopaths are notoriously effective at alleviating suspicion, and their victims are left wondering, “how could I have fallen for those lines?” In retrospect, everything the psychopath said appears ludicrous and obviously insincere, but at the time, he manages to come across as genuine and earnest. To avoid becoming a victim:

Know your weaknesses so that you will be better able to spot those who use them to manipulate you. Psychopaths look for vulnerabilities to exploit such as low self-esteem, loneliness, a need to nurture, or susceptibility to flattery.
Meet her friends, family, acquaintances, and coworkers. Don’t just go on what she tells you about herself, especially if loaning money or becoming romantically involved.
If he’s asking you to invest in a business, property, etc., check out both the business and his background thoroughly.
Be on guard in psychopaths’ hunting grounds—cruise ships, social clubs, singles bars, airports, and resorts. Psychopaths look for bored or lonely people they can exploit.
Be wary of anyone who flatters you excessively or tells you exactly what you want to hear. The person who does this may just have low self-esteem, but flattery is also the tool of the psychopath.
Look beyond the smoke-and-mirrors display. What is the fast talker with the captivating smile actually saying? Are his statements contradictory, grandiose, or manipulative?

What to Look for

There are a number of warning signs. Many people will have some of these traits, but someone who has several of them is probably trouble:

Does she have a string of very short past relationships and claim that all breakups were entirely the fault of the other person? Does he not see or support his children from prior relationships? Is she a neglectful mother? These are red flags.
Does she have a history of cruelty to animals? This suggests a psychopathic personality.
Does he brag excessively about his appearance, social status, or achievements? Does he tell grandiose stories trying to make himself appear heroic, successful, or brave? People with low self-esteem may do this to bolster themselves, and there’s nothing wrong with being proud of an achievement. What differentiates the psychopath is excessive bragging.
Does the person seem too perfect? Anyone who seems too good to be true probably is.

Damage Control

Dr. Martha Stout suggests using the Rule of Threes: one broken promise, lie, or neglected responsibility could be a misunderstanding and two a mistake, but three means that the individual is not guided by conscience. After three strikes, it’s best to cut your losses. When you attempt to leave, the psychopath will likely play on your sympathies, appeal to your sense of obligation by saying that you owe her, or ask that you conceal her bad behaviour from others. It’s important to stay strong in the face of this emotional manipulation.

If you’ve been burned by a psychopath, don’t blame yourself. Plenty of intelligent people have been taken in, so you’re in good company. The psychopath will likely try to blame you for his bad behaviour—remember that you’re not at fault when someone has cheated on you, lied to you, stood you up, squandered your money, or hit you.

Don’t be fooled again. Take what you’ve learned as useful information for spotting that sort of person in the future. No experience is meaningless if you can use it to your advantage, and living well is the best revenge.

Don’t Expect Significant Changes

The best way to predict future behaviour is to look at past behaviour. Psychopathy is remarkably resistant to therapy. There are people who claim to have witnessed the reform of a psychopath. However, in some cases the “psychopath” has been misdiagnosed and was not psychopathic in the first place. In others, the psychopath has reduced his criminal activities after the age of 40, as many do, and given how low people’s expectations of the individual have become, this appears to be significant progress. Sadly, in many cases, the loved one has actually sacrificed his or her needs to cater to the psychopath. Friction is reduced, but only because the psychopath is getting what she wants, when she wants it. By giving in, keeping secrets, and bailing them out, well-meaning families and friends shield psychopaths from the consequences of their actions.

Psychopaths don’t usually respond to therapy because they don’t feel that there is anything about them that needs to be changed. They like themselves and their lifestyles, and feel that it is others who need to adapt in order to better suit the psychopath’s requirements of them. However, some can be encouraged to change certain aspects of their behaviour, if they can be convinced that it’s in their own best interests to do so.

If you get into a power struggle with a psychopath, you will probably lose because the psychopath is unrestrained by ethics. If possible, walk away and never look back. Of course, this can’t be done when the psychopath is one’s child. In this case, leverage all the resources at your disposal—psychiatric, academic support, and anything else available. Intervention when a child is young can make a difference, though expecting dramatic changes will usually lead to disappointment. Set ground rules, and don’t bail the person out of self-created problems.

i've got a son in a relationship with a girl who's picture should be in this article. i read this with him, and i think it knocked his socks off. it seemed to. it all just made it so clear that he is NOT the mean one, the crazy one, the one who is always in the wrong. now i just have to hope he can be strong enough to cut and run. i am dying for him but i feel i can only do so much. the article helped alot. just so right on.

Dec 28, 2008 8:14 AM

Guest :

I recently met a charming female who I thought that I could be friends with but her stories were larger than life e.g. being a famous person's P.A. She also mentioned that she had been a counsellor in the U.S. for 12 years, she has an accountancy degree, a theological degree and was in medical school for 4 years before quitting (never mentions the names of the establishments). The stories sounded plausible and there are more; these are just a few. It doesn't add up. I can't put my finger on what it is but I don't feel comfortable. The last straw for me is the continual bailing on arrangements at the last moment. She rings with a story involving the ill health of either her or her husband (how can you be angry with someone who is sick?) I am suspicious and feel to cut contact. She is very charming and warm. I feel a little guilty and confused, but feel to pull back from this recent friendship. Has anyone else experienced something like this where the person's stories are larger than life? I have two university qualifications myself and it seems unusual that a person has had time in a life spanning 48 years to have done so many things. Oh, by the way, her previous boss gives her $5000 a month in appreciation and he has also bought her a house on an island near Hamilton Island in QLD. I think that I am supposed to be impressed. All I am is suspicious and cynical.

Jan 25, 2009 12:51 AM

Guest :

You are describing a sociopath and you need to be very careful. Check it out a bit listen for tiny changes in her stories and then just bail. Don't try to confront her or expect her to understand that she has hurt you because that won't happen. What would be more likely to occur is that she would feel slighted by you and would spend countless hours trying to figure out how to get you back and these sorts of people often act on there compulsions for revenge. Honestly just withdraw from the situation for your own good and for the good of those you care about. She could very well attatch herself to them and punish you through them. I know I sound like I am overreacting but I have a sister who is a sociopath and have learned this through years of heartbreak. Good luck.

Jan 25, 2009 2:34 AM

Guest :

I've been to hell and back the past 10 years - this article shocked me - this is the profile of my husband - every single thing! everything makes sense now - THANK YOU SO MUCH!

Feb 5, 2009 10:46 AM

Guest :

Guest

I have a been marriged for 2years and I discovered my husband is Psychopath,he is 54 and he even sleep with he's own daugther(my step) wich is 23 on same bed while he is on TDY. He always lies and never admit
he gets upset very easy and can,t control he's emotion. Everything he dose is reasonable but what another people does is all wrong.He tell's people who he is and what power he has. He is very open about sex and offered me swiing and I was shocked and asked him why he want do that and he said noting wrong with that.I'm thinking of leave him soon.Becaus I know he is not going to be change.

Feb 8, 2009 8:11 AM

Guest :

I have been married twice now to psychopaths - the first one wanted to take all my assets and the second one was using me to for his own amusement as well as expecting to get money from my parents. Why did I fall twice for the same thing? They are very plausible and if you tell them about the last disastrous relationship they will try everything to prove that they're not like that!! They mix some truth with a lot of lies and you tend to believe them. Their intensive eye contact and constant repetition of what they think you want to hear are mesmerising, look up conversational hypnosis and I'll guarantee most psychopaths are naturals for that kind of thing. This kind of hypnosis gets you to tune out your critical faculties and that's why you get taken in - you can't even understand it yourself. My last ex used to phone me and just talk and talk never letting me get a word in - he was talking at me and I felt unimportant. You can't reason with a psycho, they do what they do often because they can, and they get away with it, there doesn't have to be a good reason for their behaviour so don't ever think that it is your fault. My ex left me in the middle of France with my dog and I had to make my own way home - of course he tried to convince me that somehow I got things wrong!!!

Feb 8, 2009 11:57 PM

Guest :

Wow, I am so glad to have finally read this article. I am currently trying to leave my husband of 12 years. He has repeatedly cheated on me and acts as if it is my fault, he has no remorse or guilt for the pain he has caused me. This article fits him well. If I had read this article years ago, I would have left him. He is now telling his friends and family that I am the one who cheated. Now his friends and family have called several times over the past weekend to tell me what a piece of trash I am and that I should watch my back. I was not scared until I received those calls and read this article. I greatly appreciate this site and the information it has given me. Thanx, Danielle

Feb 23, 2009 2:38 PM

Guest :

This article describes my husband with 150% accuracy. I am so glad to be getting divorced from that selfish individual.

Feb 23, 2009 5:14 PM

Guest :

I am a bit teary eyed right now as to what I've found in my research on pyschopaths. Reality really bites, I've known for years, I have experienced so much with my partner, and I have tried to get them to seek help but they won't, and now I must walk away. My girlfriend has lied, cheated, taken money, you name it she's done it. She has a great job but is always scheming some type of way to rip someone off-that is the criminal aspect. These people are very savvy in their techniques. There is not enough space in this post to describe all that I have experienced and how hard I have tried to help her, I have protected her from the law, you name it I've done it. The reality now is that it has all been in vain. This writing has helped me to not blame myself, I contacted her mother yesterday and told her I can't take it anymore and must walk away. This really hurts, but I must walk away because I can not help anyone who is not willing to help themselves. Ten years of my life spent in turmoil with a women who meets every characteristic and more, her mom had a heart to heart with me yesterday and confirmed everything and told me she has always been that way. I am so glad her mother told me "a mother knows" and she could never help her own child and she totally understands me walking away at this point. I wish we would have had that talk years ago. To anyone else going through believe in yourself and although a caring and genuine person you must be trust me all of your actions are not appreciated-Do you, take care of you because in the end they won't.

Jun 5, 2009 5:15 PM

Guest :

I was married to a psychopath for 15 years and have 20-year experience of communicating with him. For long time he was in frames, till I satisfied his needs. Some things in him were strange, something what he told from time to time, something in his personality. I loved and trusted this handsome and charming man, and all what felt as strange, explained as his unusual personality.
He started his cruel acting 5 years ago after I had had our 3rd daughter. Those days, I lead small wholesale company and for a while had to leave the business under his supervision. Quite soon he brought home 14-year old girl with which he had relations in the very bed my 11-year-old daughter slept. He took all money from my company account, all what I kept in our common cell in a bank, left me without properties which I had, and morally destroyed my elderly daughters.
With his charm and manipulating he convinced everybody that I was guilty in all aspects, and I didnt get support and protection, couldnt prove anything, even the period when he beat me.
Terrible pain caused by humiliation, losing not just social status but own kids, no way to get protection, hopelessness.. nearly destroyed me.
And I couldnt find any reasonable explanations for what was going on and WHY he is like that, till I found really much in Hare`s book "Without conscience".
It put everything in order in my head.
This days my life went better, I am moving abroad and searching ways to save my kids from him.
The book by Hare, this article are really needed for those who faced the awful people - psychopaths. And also for those who may face - all of us.

Jun 18, 2009 11:58 AM

Guest :

I've met folk like this (psychopath or narcissists) over recent years in my area of work. They are usually have a very charismatic charm, able to easily influence others but are also very glib & shallow. The are often pathologically jealous of others & are either pathological/compulsive liars. They are very selfish, over-competitive but poor loosers. They always win & everyone is the looser. They have no scruples or conscience about walking all over others to get what they want, & are obsessed with power & controlling others or using them for their own ends. They are extremely egotistical & vain. They brag constantly & are know it alls. They have poor behavioural controls -sometimes they blow up angrily or cool & in complete control.
They cannot empathise properly with others- they mimic, to hide what they are. You know your right you've sussed one, if they keep going after trying to hurt you, destroy your confidence & turn everyone against you, cos they're afraid you'll expose them.

If you work or have one around you constantly in your life, you've got my simpathises-I know the feeling. If you can get rid of them out of your life asap & move on...

Jun 19, 2009 2:35 PM

Guest :

This is a little confusing so please bear with me. I was having dinner at My girlfriend's house when she told me the day before we were to leave on a scheduled trip that she was going and I was not because her daughter decided to go at the last minute. I reacted in a very quiet way and left her house very quickly. She ran after me asking me to water her plants while she was gone and give her a call over the weekend. I kept saying "sure no problem - see ya". Normally I would not say that when leaving but I was hurt that she did this on one day notice.
I waited 2 days to call her because I was pretty upset. Normally we would talk everyday. By then she had her phone turned off. I went to her house the next day to ask what was wrong and she called the police on me. When she called from the police station I asked her what happened and she replied "none of your business".
To this day I have no idea what happened and she has yet to give me a reason. She wont talk to me. Is there any possibility that she broke up with me because she thought I was going to and she needed to maintain control? I saw her at the shopping center the other day and I did say to her "I still have no idea what I did wrong". She looked like she was in a daze and did not say a word to me.
We had some great times in our relationship. She was the social director and I did not complain because I enjoyed the things she enjoyed. It just seemed that whenever I wanted to do something that was my idea she had no interest.
Sex lasted only 10 minutes every two weeks. She would initiate it but I was the one who did all the pleasuring. She was from a Calvinist background originally.
During the course of our relationship she told me many things such as
-my fraternal twin sister does not care about me
-I was the black sheep of the family
-I am not use to anyone caring about me
-I am opinionated so people get mad at me
-my ex-husbands family is trying to turn my daughter against me
-I spent 6 years alone not having anyone to do things with.
-I spent years going to school events alone
-They could not control me
She did not seem to have any friends
She has cut me off and I am hurting. How could someone change over 2 days?
Does anyone have any ideas what happened?

Jun 27, 2009 3:58 AM

Guest :

Guest:
I met this beautiful woman, who made my life a living hell. She was charming, smart, beautiful, she was everything I thought I wanted. I liked her very much, and enjoyed going out with her.I even took her home to meet mom and dad.She had a wild and strange look in her eyes, I thought she was sexy, my friends thought she was strange. Things were moving very quickly and I really wanted to go slower to get to know her better, but thst was not part of her plan.
Whenever I tried to confront her she gave me a song and a dance this woman wouldnt take no for an answer, she always tried and tried to convince me, pushing and pushing. I was overwhelmed my dad was ill
I didnt want to lose her, she set me up, moved in with me, and then she changed. I never gave her a key, I didnt really trust her, she was very controlling, we never really bonded, things didnt work but I couldnt get her out of my house. She claimed to have fallen in love with me, but I always though she was using me, she seemed to be always hiding something, she was always networking flirting. When I wanted her to leave she wanted to stay but if I asked her to stay she wanted to leave. She never took responsibility for her actions she always blamed me, my father died,she pushed me to the limit, I got arrested
for pushing her around she yelled for help, she couldnt care less about my neighbours, she called at all hours with no regards, she started threatening me and insulting me and stalking me, and she harrassed me for a whole year, she pushed her way inside my house after i got her out and started stabbing herself with a knife and then called the cops to tell them I did it and I was on probation, she scared me, she couldnt be trusted, she lied,and everything she ever gave me, she would take it back and break everything, and yell obscenties. She even asked me to be her valentine this year, I finally figured out she was a psycho, and sent her a list of all the symptoms
that she had, then she found someone else, and after I finally got to tell her what I really thought she got a restraining order against me, here is this woman who professed her love to me day and night.
Lucky me she found someone else, and now she is gone totally out of my life, of course she got her new lover to call me up and threaten me and call me names, and thank God she is finally out of my life.
But do I want to meet someone else hell no, I am still trying to get my life back, it was horrible, I'm free

Jul 28, 2009 4:53 PM

Guest :

I am married to sociopath, he is everything the article talks about, we share a son together and not even his son can make him have feelings or care, he only care for himself. I am working my plan and planning my work so I can run run run and never look back, its been 15 years and things never change same pattern.... anyone reading this please please I am begging you, if you think the man or woman in your life is a sociopath run run run there is not hope " pray that you get out"

Aug 7, 2009 11:31 PM

Guest :

Hello, I have just read over some of the comments and information on this site. I have been seeing therapist regarding my relationship. I also live with a sociopath. We have been seeing one another since june 2007 and moved in together in April 2008. It was a mistake. I am now trying to leave. The comments posted have helped me to realize that there are people out there that prey on nice people.

We are now in a stage where I am the bad person because I will not continue to pay his way. I should have looked at this site sooner to realize you can not try to talk. The person that I live with told me that we could not sleep in the same bed when his daughter stayed with us. She was 10 at the time and it did not look good for her. Well I think he should have told me this early before I put down my life savings on a house. He claims that he works but has not yet offered to pay any of the bills. How do you leave without having him find out until I am ready to make the move.

Aug 15, 2009 12:48 PM

Guest :

My mother an my ex-husband are have this disorder very heavily. After my divorce I started to get sick. I later went to the doctor and found out I had cancer due to a toxic exposure. This toxic exposure came right after my divorce leading me to believe my ex-husband poisoned me with something leading me to get non-hods lymphoma. I ignored the constant cheating, lying, being followed by other women, and the comments he would make about how if he could not have me nobody could. I also remeber him telling me his dad was going to die. His dad had the same toxic exposure I had. The whole thing is just to perfect. I now see staying away from these types of people a matter of life or death.
My mother is a psychopath as well. She has ruiend my childhood with her hyper sexuality, constant lying, stealing from me, using my identity, and other unmentionable behaiors. She is clearly not guided by any ethics.
I have been deeply hurt emotionally and physically and I still survived. This article is very true. Living a great life is the best revenage. I have noticed that the two psychopaths I have left behind are very upset that I am doing so well. I still recieve the occasional attacks from my mother and ex-husband but I am so strong now nothing they do can bother me.
My message is that getting away from these people is important because they are very dangerous. I would like more tips on freeing myself of these bad people. I am still afraid my ex-husband will shoot me or get someone else to do it. Or that my mother in her jelousey will do something more than what she has. Thank you for this article. It really has helped me protect myself.

Aug 20, 2009 12:04 PM

Guest :

I too was hooked up with a phychopath for almost 13 years. All I can say is that I lost almost everything as a result of the crazy relationship with him. My kids, my job, my family, my friends, money, emotional health. He swept me off my feet with so many lies and promises. He said things like: "You are my soulmate", "I'll never meet another you", "I love your smell", "I love the colour of your skin",.. I am sure you get the picture.

He really played me with his "sad" life story and how (he said) he never dwelled on it and only told me. Later I found out that he told everyone "the stories". He told a story about the 13 foster homes that he lived in. He talked about his schizophrenic mother who never took care of him and the schizophrenic father that left him. He talked about the abusive stepfather.I was told about the sister that killed herself. The sister that was married to a murderer. The sisters who were impregnated by their foster fathers. He told me how his foster mother forced his to have sex with her. He told me about his uncle who was also his brother. I heard the same stories over and over again. Each time embelished with more details. I do know that some of it was true, but I am sure that there were many fabrications. He was always trying to seek pity from me/others.

Here is the thing: I knew something was wrong, but I always thought it had to do with my not committing to the relationship. I moved in with him for a couple of months in the summer of 2007. Up to that point, we had been together for almost 11 years. As soon as I moved in, his 2 teenage daughters also decided to move in with us.One of them, which I didn't know at the time, was a thief and also a pathalogical liar (like her dad). I never knew what would be missing when I came home. I was a mess living like that, so I moved out. Well, to him, that was the ultimate slap in the face. Up to that point, he had never really fully displayed his true colours (to my face at leaser) so to speak. Up to that point it had beens ambient abuse. Lying about anything and everything, Dr Jeckyl/Mr Hyde personality, walking on eggshells etc. An undercurrent of not knowing where you stand. After I left, he totally changed. Mr Hyde came out in full force. He had a breakdown (I think) and told me that he heard voices in his head, he was a pathological liar, he was having telephone sex with the women that he worked with; he had been cheating on my for the whole relationship

Aug 25, 2009 8:36 PM

Guest :

My direct supervisor is a sociopath. You might be saying "Ha, ha, well so is mine." But read on...does your supervisor do this?
The article is correct in that you can't change a psycopath. But what worries me most is that when you try to tell people about this, like smart, well-educated co-workers, they don't accept it. I can't believe how naive they are.
Part of this is due to the fact that he plays favorites with my co-workers and he has developed relationships with them. I have only had a few social conversations with my supervisor.
My supervisor lies to the staff about other employees (present and past). He's been targeting me for over a year. And he enjoys it. I got into a position where no one knew how to do the job. Imagine coming to a new job and finding out that he doesn't know how to do it and other employees have never been crossed trained? He constantly blamed the former employee for not writing instructions. Of course, everyone believes that. His treatment of me got worse when I went to HR. He took the time to make sure other new employees learned their jobs. When I went to him with questions he would sneer at me. He would also try to humiliate me at staff meetings and he would sabotage projects. On more than one occassion he has blamed me for doing work wrong, in many cases, it wasn't my fault. He also manipulates co-workers into micro-managing me to death.
When it finally came to a head in Dec. 2008, he told lie after lie to the HR mediator. He thinks no one can keep up with his lies, even when he makes a mistake with times, days, and places.
He's been told to change, but the changes only last a few weeks. And then he returns to his manipulative ways and lying. HR told me not to call him a liar because I was "labeling" him. I was told to use the word "dishonest."
After more than a month on the job I was beginning to see through his lies. I knew there was something wrong: when he wasn't lying about current or present employees, he'd insult them. Then one day a new co-worker told me that an acquaintance, who had worked previously with our supervisor, noticed his strange behavior. At the company where she worked, my supervisor told a new employee that the staff didn't like her. She was standoffish from the staff for several weeks. When the staff asked her why she wouldn't interact with them, she said my supervisor told her that no one on the staff liked her.
At that point, I knew.

Sep 9, 2009 10:19 PM

Guest :

This article has given me so much clarity to a prior situation that I've dealt with. The guy I dated was most definitely a psychopath. It lasted nearly 5 months before I just had enough of the insensitivity that he would show me almost everytime we saw eachother. He would constantly blame all his problems on others including myself when it was no ones fault but his own. There would be times where I would get extreme headaches from the discussions that we had because all I would try to do is express my point of view and he would always put me and my views down (belittle) I would get a little emotional because he was so cold hearted and harsh. Instead of comforting me he would say, "what are crying for". I just felt that was absolutely rude. He always contradict himself and was the biggest hypocrite I had ever met in my 22 years. We would constantly have conversations about his bad behavior and he would put all the blame on me and took the role as victim. I finally couldnt take the abuse anymore and just cut him off completely. Im just glad I got rid of the PRICK!!...and this article gave me more enlightenment on individuals like him..thanks

Sep 29, 2009 3:05 AM

Guest :

I've been through a horrible experience with an ex friend who tried to destroy my life, for the last six months since I cut off contact she has been telling extreme lies about me to anyone who will listen, I recently read another article on a different web page very similar to mine and the lady that wrote it gave a list of psychopath traits and my ex friend ticked all the boxes, I am now suffering from extreme stress because of this person, I wish to god I had never met her

Oct 6, 2009 1:01 PM

Guest :

I am married to a psychopath. We have a young daughter. Does anyone know how to get away from this person and to prove he's a psycopath so the courts don't make us share custody?

Oct 6, 2009 1:15 PM

helpout9 :

I am married to a psychopath. We have a young daughter. How do I prove he's a psychopath to the one's he's convinced he's a good guy so that the courts don't make us share custody?

Oct 31, 2009 7:58 AM

Guest :

There is a website and forum run by a foundation set up to help survivors of psychopaths. It is called Aftermath surviving psychopathy foundation. Maybe this will be of some help to people as well.

23 Comments

Protecting Yourself from Psychopaths

How to Identify and Avoid a Sociopathic Predator

What to Look for

Damage Control

Don’t Expect Significant Changes

Further Reading