Paranoid Personality Disorder PPD: Overview of Diagnosis, Prevalence and Treatment of Clinical Paranoia

PPD is a type of psychological personality disorder characterized by an extreme level of distrust and suspicion of others. Paranoid personalities are generally difficult to get along with, and their combative and distrustful nature often elicits hostility in others. The negative social interactions that result from their behavior then serve to confirm and reinforce their original pessimistic expectations. Needless to say, those with PPD are unlikely to form many close relationships and are typically perceived as cold and distant. They are quick to challenge the loyalty of friends and loved ones and tend to carry long grudges (Dobbert 2007, Kantor 2004).

Diagnosis of PPD

Paranoid PD is considered a Cluster A personality disorder along with Schizoid and Schizotypal, and characterized by odd or eccentric behavior. A diagnosis of PPD should be considered when these paranoid behaviors become persistent and disabling.

According to the DSM-IV-TR (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), a patient must fit at least four of the following criteria in order to be diagnosed with PPD:

Prevalence of Paranoid Personality

The prevalence of Paranoid Personality Disorder has been estimated to be as high as 4.5% of the general population and occurs more commonly in males (NESARC 2002).

Cause of PPD

The specific cause of Paranoid Personality Disorder is unknown, although there are theories that a threatening domestic atmosphere experienced during childhood may give rise to profound insecurities that contribute to the development of PPD.

This disorder is more common among first-degree biological relatives of those with Schizophrenia and Delusional Disorder, Persecutory Type. One Norwegian twin study found PPD to have a degree of heritibility and to share risk factors with Schizoid and Schizotypal Personality Disorder (Kendler et.al 2006).

Course of Paranoid Disorder

As is the case with many personality disorders, PPD often first becomes apparent in early adulthood. The course of this disorder is chronic (Kantor 2004).

Treatment of Paranoid Personality Disorder

Difficulties in the treatment of those with PPD begin with the challenge of building rapport between the patient and therapist, since paranoid personalities are, by nature, distrustful of others. Those with PPD rarely initiate treatment, and once in therapy, may terminate prematurely if the therapist challenges the patient’s paranoid thoughts too directly (Kantor 2004).

If the patient will submit to treatment, psychotherapy has been the most promising treatment method for those with Paranoid Personality Disorder, and can be useful in helping the patient control his or her paranoia. Group and family therapy, not surprisingly, is not of much use in the treatment of PPD due to the mistrust people with PPD feel towards others.

As personality is a relatively stable, deeply rooted aspect of self, the long-term projection for those with Paranoid Personality disorder is often bleak. Most patients experience the symptoms of their disorder for their entire life and, in order to manage their symptoms of paranoia, require consistent therapy (Dobbert 2007, Kantor 2004).

Although individual supportive psychotherapy is the treatment of choice for PPD, medications are sometimes used to treat related symptoms. The best use of medication may be for specific complaints such as anxiety or the delusional states that some with PPD may suffer when under stress. Unfortunately, people with PPD tend to be suspicious of medications, and no medication has yet proven to be effective in managing the long-term symptoms of PPD (Dobbert 2007, Kantor 2004).

Information on Personality Disorders

There are numerous on-line and in print resources with additional information on personality disorders, including: Psychology Prof Online, the Mayo Clinic: Mental Health and the article Types of Personality Disorders: Borderline, Narcissistic, Obsessive-Compulsive & Associated Clusters.

This article is a brief summary of the personality disorder PPD. The contents of this article are not meant to be used for diagnosis and are not a substitute for professional help and counseling.

Additional PPD Sources

American Psychiatric Association APA (2000) Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV-TR).

Dobbert, D. (2007) Understanding Personality Disorders: An Introduction. Greenwood Press.

Kantor, M. (2004) Understanding Paranoia: A Guide for Professionals, Families, and Sufferers. Greenwood Publishing Group.

National Epidemiologic Survey on Alcohol and Related Conditions - NESARC (2002) Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, 65.

Kendler KS, Czajkowski N, Tambs K, et al (2006). Dimensional representations of DSM-IV cluster A personality disorders in a population-based sample of Norwegian twins: a multivariate study. Psychological Medicine, 36, 11.

Jan 17, 2009 1:42 PM

Guest :

How can 4 adult children deal with a Mother that has PPD? She has no trust in her family and does not want them to have any contact with their Dad - this is hurtful and fustrating. Any help would be appreciated.

Jan 19, 2009 11:36 AM

Guest :

Well, I don't have an answer, but I can say I am in the exact same situation with my mother, divorced from my father, and we have to avoid talking about him at all costs. I am also hurt and frustrated and don't know how to deal with it other than avoiding my mother as much as possible, therefore avoiding being hurt. Are there ressources out there on how to deal with people with PPD?

Feb 9, 2009 11:46 AM

Guest :

I had a wonderful friend, or so I thought, that is the text book type described personality of above article. Kathy is dealing me grief at work cause I am friends with Cindy. Kathy thinks that Cindy is after her husband and trying to stop me from being Kathy's friend. We are all professionls with college degrees. Kathy has made it almost impossible for us to enjoy our work. She has told many distorted lies. She also physically attacked my friend Cindy and lied to everyone about her actions.....there are five witnesses of the attack. Kathy is constantly suspicious that her husband is cheating on her. I don't know how to deal with her. Please help. Our adminstrators are sweeping her actions, as they say, under the rug. Kathy hides behind a sweet soft voice until she wants her anger to show. Please advise what Cindy and I should do. Should we be afraid that Kathy can or will take her anger to the next level?

Feb 10, 2009 9:11 AM

Guest :

I have been married for 36 years to a man that thinks i have had lots of affairs. He has accused me of many other things of which none are true. I love this man but his PPD is almost to the point of driving me away. Is ther any support groups for the victims of a spouse with this disorder?

Feb 11, 2009 9:34 AM

Guest :

I have a spouse who accused me sleeping with every man that I met even the handyman who came to repair the roof. He certainly does not want to get help, Can you please tel me what I can do for him?

Feb 15, 2009 4:42 AM

Guest :

I have been with my husband for fourteen years and am now at my wits end with three children (10 - 12). THe symptoms of his PPD are:
- mistrust of everyone, particularly me
- misconstruing innocent things I say as being insulting to him
- wanting control of everything to do with money. Accusing me of mis=spending money when i'm buying food for the family
- very short temper
- dislike of sex
I am staying with him because of the children but do not know how to handle the situation as my life with him has been very difficult. Until reading about PPD, I have always thought that it was ME causing the problem. I spend my life trying to placate him and excuse the children for their perceived misgivings. There seems no way out as my husband would never admit that there is a problem and is clever at twisting the blame onto me. So who would ever believe me?

Feb 16, 2009 4:43 PM

Guest :

I've been in a relationship with someone with this disorder for 13 months and I love him so much but he is draining the life out of me. I'm seeing a therapist to try and deal with this but I'm finding it harder and harder. Is there a light at the end of the tunnel? I don't want to give up on him, I want to love him and be there for him but I don't know if I can keep my sanity and love him too. Any suggestions? Thank you....

Feb 18, 2009 6:47 AM

Guest :

i was diagnosed last year with ppd and have suffered from bi-polar since i was about 16. Now mind you it is hard to trust people but i have trusted one person in my life and that is my wife, now my problem is that i fret over the fact that my my boys might end up with some of my symptoms. but eventually with lots of thereapy and working on myself with the trust issue hopefully i can begin to live a some what normal life.

Mar 8, 2009 1:32 AM

Guest :

Wow - I finally think i have found an explanation for my boyfriend of 2 years unusual behaviour. For 2 yrs now he has never trusted me, believes every man is after me and blames my "apparent" hormonal imbalance when I react to his accusations and inappropriate paranoia and jealousy. He is totally unaware of how disrespectful his behaviour is towards me. He will never listen to my concerns and upset about it all, and blames me for the breakdown of our relationship. Recently he became aggressive with me when I told him that he had disappointed me and let me down when he chose to go to a football match instead of spending time with me on the day of embryo transfer during IVF. He insists that his manhandling of me was in self defence as I was out of control throwing things at him etc.... (This is entirely not true and completely fabricated by him). The reality was that I was sobbing uncontrollably and completely distraught and could not have felt lonelier - his view of this was that I was reacting with extreme anger and violence. I found out that I am pregnant 3 weeks weeks ago. Bitter sweet, as I could no longer put up with the relationship after this aggressive episode. He now completely refuses to acknowledge his behaviour towards me the night of embryo transfer and is accusing me of reacting badly to my pregnancy and IVF process!! This resulted in a near nervous breakdown for me 2 weeks ago, for which I have sought professional help. He refuses to accept any responsibility for my current state. Always finds someone else to blame for his unacceptable behaviour and that person is usually me - NOT ANYMORE. If I thought there was hope of him seeking help then I would continue with this relationship, but he is adamant that this is all my doing. Sadly we have been on the road to nowhere. Good luck to the rest of you who are battling on - you have more strength and patience than me!

Mar 9, 2009 12:14 PM

Guest :

This is in reply to the lady who wrote about her husband. I can not imagine living in a constant state of suspicions. My heart goes out to you deeply, but I must state that don't you think it may be doing you and your children more harm than good to stay in that type of environment? It would be like tip-toeing through life for fear of his out-rages towards you or the children. That isn't what life is about.....it's about sharing, loving, trust, and laughter. Get strong and take control of your life please. You deserve happiness and so do your children. God bless!!!

Mar 9, 2009 12:17 PM

Guest :

This is in reply to the lady that posted about her embryo transfer. You seem like a strong woman, and I am proud of you for your strength in saying enough is enough. I hope he gets help, but you can't save him....only be there for him as you choose. Tough love is hard, but it is sometimes the only choice. Best of luck to you always!!!

Mar 9, 2009 5:11 PM

Guest :

The majority of the Bush administration would have been diagnosed with PPD IF they had seen a doctor. WMD

Mar 11, 2009 9:56 AM

Guest :

I have a workmate and a housemate here in overseas work. By the time they have a jealosy confrontation with his wanna be wife who is in the home country. He had accused me that I am the one who send malicious rumors to his wife. And it happened the second time around concluded and judge me with hostility that I am the spy of his wanna be wife. He has previous unsuccesful relationship in the past. What will I do . I never communicate to him for almost two months not even in our department. He always invite friends in the flat for a drinking alcohol. Please advise me.His wanna be wife would not depend me that I am not the one who send malicious rumors. thats there personal problem it is not my cup of tea to relay info. i am a professional and i beleived the professional code of ethics. Please need your advice.

Mar 11, 2009 11:25 PM

Guest :

This is to the man who posted on 18th Feb that he was recently diagnosed with PPD. How did your diagnosis come about and how did you come to accept that diagnosis? My boyfriend has agreed to see a psychologist on my recommendation as he says that he will do whatever he can to save our relationship. He is adamant however that he does not have a problem despite it being so obvious to others close to him. I have no doubt that PPD is the explanation for his behaviour. How can he be convinced that he is a sufferer? Any advise on this from anyone would be greatly appreciated. The other problem is that he is convinced that it is me that has got the problem and has demonised me as the one responsible for the relationship breakdown. I am the person who posted a few days ago about the occasion when my boyfriend got physically abusive with me the day of embryo transfer.

Mar 17, 2009 10:58 AM

Guest :

I am the woman who posted previously about my husband. Thank you for replying.
The best thing for ME would be to leave him but he is close to the children and they to him,naturally, and I cannot or would not come between that relationship. The trouble is that he sometimes plays with their heads by giving them confusing and mixed messages and making bizarre comments about things and attaching undue importance to everyday trivia. I have taught myself to ignore him (although it stresses me out) but the children wonder what prompts his comments.
The list of symptoms I provided before are only the tip of the iceberg. However, he is not violent at all. His life is driven by his 'need' to be liked by others and his concerns about the way others peceive his words and actions. So he'll do or say something that may be detrimental to the family but that is 'okay' as long as he believes he looks good in their eyes. Trouble is, in my opinion, it makes him appear insincere. I wish he could just be himself, although I do not know who that man is.
How I crave for normal conversation and company.
I wish I was as brave as the other lady who realised that enough was enough and had the courage of her convictions Well done - 'you're a braver man than I'..

Mar 18, 2009 11:10 AM

Guest :

There is a book called "Understanding Paranoia" by Martin Kantor that is excellent for professionals, families and sufferers. My wife and I have been fighting allot and when we do I go off on these crazy tangents and when I'm done I can't figure out where it came from. Then I feel bad and get depressed about it. I feel like all these people around me are out to get me or talking about me behind my back. I feel as though I can trust no one. I haven't officially been diagnosed, but many "close" friends have told me I should seek help...I just can't imagine talking to and actually trusting a therapist that I don't know. I found this book online and checked it out at the library (it's fairly recent release). As I read through the pages it was like reading a biography of myself. Reading many of your comments on here, I had to stop and question if one of you was my wife commenting on me. I'm by no means obviously a doctor or professional, I just know that is what I got out of it. It has almost brought me to tears reading this thing. It does have a chapter in the back for sufferers to help work through, I've read most of it but it is very difficult for me to put that into action.

Mar 22, 2009 5:11 PM

Guest :

I am the middle-aged spawn of a mother with PPD. She was diagnosed in the mid-1980's, by which point my father, brother and I had suffered 38, 37 and 35 years respectively, from the fallout of her disorder. Insisting that she see a psychiatrist was, in itself, a damning ordeal, let alone what happened when she received her diagnosis. We were "conspiratorial" with nothing but "malevolent intent" to take her money and put her away. She has spent her life since, exercising her perceived "entitlement to make us pay".
Twenty-plus years later, I can tell you that diagnosis helps nothing, in the case of PPD. The disorder is chronic, does not improve, and the effects on the family remain devastating, insurmountable, and absolutely life-obliterating. An now of course, we can add dementia.
May God, if there is one, help the families of PPD.

Mar 23, 2009 3:44 PM

Guest :

Emotional Vampires--dealing with people who drain you dry by Albert Bernstein is a great book.

Mar 25, 2009 6:31 PM

Guest :

Like many on this message board, I have a loved one (my mother) who suffers from PPD and is not undergoing any type of treatment. I'm not sure if this does more harm than good, but I allow my mother to continue talking to me about the things co-workers and family "do" to her and what they "do" in general. If I or my siblings try to rationalize with her, she just becomes hyper defensive, withdrawn, and extremely depressed. She's already alienated her own siblings (far worse things have happened in our immediate little family)and we fear that someday, she might do the same with us, her own children. It just seems like going along with her nonsense is best way to cope with this awful disorder. Are others here doing the same or similar? Are there any suggestions?

As for those who have a partner suffering from this disorder, I feel (and I'm sorry for saying this) it would be better to end the relationship, ESPECIALLY if no children are involved.

Mar 27, 2009 7:03 AM

Guest :

It seems we've been walking on eggshells forever. You're damned if you do listen to the irrational meanderings, and you're damned if you do not.
A psychiatrist once told me that when you've reached the point that you don't wish to hear what's being said, you can say the following without causing harm:
"I disagree with what you are saying, and it's upsetting to hear it. So I'm going to leave now, but I will be back."
It's important to leave. It's important to reassure that you'll be back, and it's important that you take yourself from a situation that's upsetting YOU, and causing you anxiety.
This insidious PPD - this silent destroyer - for which there is no help. Save yourself the best way for you, that you can.

Mar 27, 2009 7:50 PM

Guest :

Mar 29, 2009 1:30 AM

Guest :

How does a person married to someone suspected of suffering from PPD get them into therapy?!?!? It's getting worse everyday!! HELP!!

Mar 29, 2009 1:33 AM

Guest :

How helpful to read all the comments! I am able to tell all the note-writers that after 48 yrs of trying all kinds of ways to connect with a PPD husband, nothing works. He would go along with me to all kinds of therapists, but I realized, actually not long ago, that he saw that as a (twisted) way to be cared about. And it also gave him opportunities to explain to the therapist that I was the one with all the problems. He is a lawyer, and he will work tirelessly to defend this client - himself. At the same time, a PPD is morbidly afraid of being abandoned. In the last year, to save myself, I have practiced being more detached (but still kind), which seems to lead to more hostile withdrawal. Perhaps some kind of crisis might rock him enough to start taking a look at himself. And to confess I am still looking for answers, I am definitely ordering the book by Martin Kantor, "Understanding Paranoia", suggested by one of your commentators. If it adds something I haven't yet discovered, I'll be sure to post another comment!

Apr 2, 2009 3:05 AM

Guest :

No kind of crisis will cause a PPD to look at themselves (or seek help) because when they do, it has the result of exacerbating the disorder. 99% of PPD's won't seek help. Seeking help is admitting something is wrong, which ironically, worsens the condition. Like a dog biting its own tail.... vicious cycle.

Nobody is at fault. They cannot help that they have PPD. But the problem is, that after so many years of suffering life with a person with PPD, it becomes VERY difficult to separate the person, from the disorder. They're both demons. It's much worse for those closest to the PPD, than it is for the PPD themselves.

You can save yourself, by leaving. But you need to understand and be prepared for the fact that you will be deemed by the PPD and those he/she can convince, that you are/were the bad guy.

Very little about it is understood, or believed by the outside world.

Apr 2, 2009 3:07 AM

Guest :

Apr 2, 2009 3:08 AM

Guest :

Apr 2, 2009 12:41 PM

Guest :

Question......does a diagnosis of ppd automatically mean the person is autistic as well?????

Comment: to the person who made the comment about the Bush admin. that is unappropriate for this subject and setting. none of this is funny.

Apr 4, 2009 2:20 PM

Guest :

I am the one married to the PPD lawyer for 48 yrs. I just ordered Martin Kantor, "Understanding Paranoia", and Gilbert Bernstein, "Emotional Vampires", as mentioned by your letter writers, and I said I'll write if I discover anything new there. Well, I did. In "Vampires", I did the test for Obsessive-Compulsive disorder, and answered yes to 11 out of 25, all having to do with doing everything in a way that will insure a perfect outcome. Taking every possibility into consideration. A really burdensome way to look at life - I could see that in a flash. To my great surprise, my interest in PPD was put on the back burner, and now I look forward to exploring MY disorder! What a way to detach from the extreme frustrations in dealing with someone with PPD. I have allowed him far too much space and consideration at the expense of myself. I am now going to read further and try to find how I have shortchanged myself. And, as through a scrim, I already sense I have shortchanged others in making them frustrated with my particular hang-up. I am packing up for a hike to Canossa.

Apr 5, 2009 5:31 PM

Guest :

I am at the verge of calling it quits! My wife of 24 years has accused me once again of having an affair with her friends. It has happened many times in the past but now it is simply beyond me because I simply love her to the core. I am literally caught between the devil and a very deep sea and I am willing to everything for her and allay her fears but I am scared about my patience running out....please help........Helpless in GreenCountry.

Apr 6, 2009 10:11 PM

Guest :

A reaction to Comment # 29: Your wife does not trust you because the people closest to her when she grew up let her down. She may have experienced physical and/or emotional abuse, perhaps abandonment, or sexual abuse and exploitation. She may not ever be able to trust anyone on an intimate level. You may try to talk with her about her growing-up years, her parents, or her siblings. Sadly, you need to prepare yourself for her closing down even more. This is a totally baffling condition - it seems that if you could just get PPD's to talk, they would understand, But they don't.

Apr 9, 2009 10:35 PM

Guest :

One of the tragedies of this disorder that I witnessed is that a family member with PPD may deny themselves treatement for cancer because they do not trust doctors and can think the doctor will make them worse. My daughter's father just died too young and he may have lived if he had agreed to treat his cancer as recommended. He became more paranoid around the time of his diagnosis due to stress but had been showing signs of paranoia for years. I realize now that he must of had PPD as he met most of the characterstics except he had a sense of humour and charm and found it easy to meet people.

Apr 10, 2009 4:00 AM

Guest :

A reaction to comment #30....
You are correct in your assessment of what may have caused the previous poster's wife's disorder and also correct in the insinuation that she will never be "well". The latter therefore renders the former irrelevant, and my suggestion is that he save himself, by leaving his wife.

It's difficult, often impossible, for a person who hasn't lived beside the disorder for very long, to grasp that there is no help for it. And the realization, when it finally strikes, leaves the co-habitant with despondency, a sense of hopelessness, and guilt.

But the reality is, and this is harsh, that two suffering for the price of one, isn't rational. Understanding the disorder through reading, will not help the PPD sufferer. There is nothing you can do, it isn't your fault, and you deserve a happy life. Having lived beside the disorder my entire life, I am filled with compassion for others suffering the same fate and I urge you, to look after yourselves.

Apr 13, 2009 12:46 AM

Guest :

I am very happy to have chanced upon this website's comments column. It has given me helpful insights, perhaps even life-changing ones. For the first time in my life I found others who are battling this perplexing condition, which I don't believe is a common one.
Commentator #32 seems to have a long-time experience living with a PPD, and has concluded, in intelligent and logical language, that there is no help for this mindset. It is profoundly sad to think that the PPD will continue to portray the other as the bad guy even as you withdraw and detach to save yourself. I for one have decided that it doesn't make sense to leave and strike out on your own. Yes, between a rock and a hard place. If I were to leave, I would hand him the permission to leave ME with as little of our resources as he could muster. It would not be pleasant. I would do it if I were younger, and understood as much as I do now.
But we do still talk, and now my tone is getting more definite and I can express myself with great confidence as I still maintain my composure and a regard for someone who really cannot help the way he thinks. Last night I told him this: 13 years ago you were faced with cancer. Since you must always win, you conquered your enemy and were able to get in contact with your own feelings; you got rid of some of your anger through listening to relaxation tapes, doing breathing exercises, even doing yoga, etc., etc. This took several years. But I know that you have left to get in contact with others' feelings. You write well, and based on how you went from a to z in finding your own feelings, you could be the one (perhaps the only one so far) to write so that others in the same predicament could understand. (This idea, of course, took hours to develop. I was genuinely sincere.) He was actually receptive.
Anyone thinking that's just another wild goose chase?
48 yrs with a PPD

Apr 13, 2009 10:09 AM

Guest :

My husband now has -4-cameras setup in the house. I can't move
go outside ,get out of the car without being on his cameras.He sits
for 15 hrs with his laptop and 4 screens locked to his vision.
He gets wild, abusive if I say anything. Does he have PPD?
He also thinks someone is shooting at the car? Insists I go out and
look for bullet casings? He will not get help. Will I be safe from
him?

Apr 13, 2009 11:52 AM

Guest :

To comment # 34:
Your situation is extreme! This man is over in the psychotic realm. If I were you, I would start, in absolute SECRET, to plot the most immediate safe escape route for you and any children, and in such a way that he could not find you. Only then should you contact police or some other authority. If he does find out, before or after, I believe he would stop at nothing. I don't think I would even do e-mail or searches on the computer.

Apr 14, 2009 2:32 AM

Guest :

To commenter #33 - could be another wild goose chase, yes indeed. But it seems that he at least gives consideration to suggestion that he look inside himself as a means of helping others. Be forewarned however, that he cannot look too deeply, because he won't like what he finds, and the effect on you both may be negative. They can often accept that they are suffering and making others suffer. They just cannot accept it for long, as in "forever".

To commenter #34 - it's beyond Paranoid Personality Disorder and more closely resembles Paranoid Schizophrenia. You haven't mentioned children - I hope for your sake that there aren't any. Seek help at your earliest convenience.

Apr 15, 2009 4:50 PM

Guest :

My girlfriend of one year suffers from PPD. At first I thought she was just insanely jealous or insecure and eventually she would settle down. But she actually just gets worse. She is constantly calling me a liar and accuses me of sleeping around with almost everyone that we encounter. She is completely obsessed with knowing where I am and who I am with every moment of everyday. If she calls me and I don't answer the phone instantly she becomes outraged thinking that I am with another woman. She spends so much time trying to figure out if I or anyone around her is "lying" ,she is a real drag to be around and has very few close friends. Either she will exclude them from her life or they will run away because of her extreme paranoia.
I love her dearly,but I am wondering if it is worth it in the long run. I have been miserable with her and I don't see an end in sight.

Apr 16, 2009 2:24 PM

Guest :

To the one with the PPD girlfriend: Your story begs a reply. The easy part is realizing that the girl has a serious disorder. There are, however, two hard parts. The first has to do with working through to an understanding of why you are with her in the first place. Are you with her because it makes no demands on you to do all the connecting? Could you be too into yourself to stop and pay attention to her? Do you wonder why you should spend time needing her when you are so needy yourself? Could you be afraid of more secure females because you would then be expected to express some feelings? Does she take care of things that you have no time or interest for? Do you deep down wish for validation from males for some perceived inadequacy? The questions could go on and on. But you may already have an answer before you have the question. And talking with someone, like a counselor, would make a good initial step. Expect that this is not done overnight.
The other hard part is to extricate yourself. Yes, there is very little possibility that she will get better. Most likely worse. And breaking up will exacerbate her paranoia. Depending on how she sees things, she will take it out on either you or herself.
Based on this writer's experience, the key is to understand yourself first.

Apr 20, 2009 9:24 AM

Guest :

I am the one with the girlfriend of one year who suffers from PPD. I would like to thank the person who commented for their insight and willingness to share it with me. Although I do not understand the point of some of the questions, I do agree with the major point which I felt was that I needed to look at myself and the reasons why I was with her.

I have read these stories and truly admire the dedication that I see exhibited here.But I have decided to move past this. I love her deeply ,but I am not equipped to deal with the level of suffering that I have been subjected to this past year.

I used to feel guilty when thinking about leaving her. She was the product of sexual and physical abuse that started at age 4. I know that this disorder is probably the result of such early childhood tragedy. I believe that she would change it if she could. But like so many depicted here through these stories, she just can't help the way her mind works.

I will look at myself and try to understand why I was attracted to such dysfunctional behavior and even considered spending the rest of my life like this.My thoughts and prayers will be with those who for whatever reason decide to stay with their PPD's.

Apr 20, 2009 1:52 PM

Guest :

Dear 1-yr boyfriend,
I'm the comment just before yours with all the sample questions, and I am so glad that you wrote. You seem like a sincere, caring person. I believe your added info narrows the focus on why you have stayed in a troubling relationship.
Martin H. Teicher headed a study in the early part of this decade showing how early childhood abuse changes the way the brain develops, resulting in a perplexing psychiatric condition. Attempts to reach or reason with such a person will not succeed ever, though he or she may appear normal in some respects. I married a man who was born with a cleft palate and had a mean controlling mother, and although a mustache helped cover up, his soul was forever damaged. His anger and rage and jealousy focused on me, and anyone else whose remarks or conduct could possibly be construed as a rejection of him.
Several years passed focusing on him. But when I began to look for answers within me, change started happening. To be brief: my cold, distant mother was largely critical of me, whereas my father was always sunny. Then, when I was nine, my 2 year younger brother died, causing trauma to the whole family. My mother took it out on me. I can still hear her words: "Of course God didn't take you. You're so bad!" And there was the answer. My guilt had led me to a man who had suffered such a misfortune, and I could make a difference - my care and empathy would make up for all injustice.
I finally saw that I was trying to plug the hole in my own heart. Now I am in the process of understanding the guilt I was saddled with. My father's positive outlook is guiding me now.

Apr 21, 2009 8:48 AM

Guest :

It's me again..the one with the 1 year girlfriend with PPD. I must thank once again the person who has commented on my story. I read the study conducted by Teicher and I was floored by how similar those findings were to the behaviors that I have seen in my girlfriend.In addition to the extreme paranoia,suspicious and totally irrational thought processes,her moods are extremely labile, fluctuating between inappropriate joy and quick bursts of anger. She is also depressed and anxious ,but I had attributed that to the PPD.

Sadly, these additional findings only add to the guilt of deciding to leave her. It was extremely difficult realizing that she had PPD especially with the hopelessness surrounding that diagnosis.Sadder still because at times she does appear normal.Sometimes there is a glimmer of hope that it will be possible to have a rational conversation with her.But no matter how normal she appears,there never is any reasoning with her. There never is any rationality in her thought processes.I have often wondered if she were not in fact borderline psychotic.

But now realizing that her brain is very likely permanently altered as a result of early childhood abuse, which ,of course only adds to the hopelessness of it all..just makes me sadder for her and for me of course because I love her..she has my heart and I know that I can't "fix" her or reason with her or ever make her happy.

Back to why I was with her leads me to my own childhood. I watched my own father suffer with paranoid schizophrenia. I watched as my mother, who loved him dearly, stood by his side until her death from cancer.I probably feel a subconscious desire to "fix" her like I wished so may times that I could "fix" my father.My guilt is probably directly related to watching my mother. After all, if you love someone ,you stand by them even if they are mentally ill, right?

I know some may ask what attracted me to her.She was actually quite charming for the first 2-3 months. And she really is a physically beautiful woman.But as we became closer she became more "mad". Now it is to a point where I can't even remember the woman that I met. She has become literally more paranoid and "crazy"- for lack of a better word- with each passing day.

Again, I am so glad that I found this site. I am thankful for the insight that I have gained through the comments. It has really helped me through a very painful decision.

Apr 22, 2009 8:39 PM

Guest :

Just one more ping-pong note to "Boyfriend": I gather that you have made a decision to withdraw from the present relationship. But do I also read you right that you haven't quite taken any absolute steps yet?From reading some of the comments on this page, especially 2 or 3 that may be from the same author, warning that a break-up may have very hurtful effects on both parties, I would imagine that you might be able to offer some helpful and instructive insights in this respect, if you cared to share with others. The reason I even say this is that, having recently focused more on myself, "closed" down a bit, detached, if you will, while trying not to show negativity - all of this has thrown ME for a total loop. It's as if, were I to give up on the possibility that he will open up and see the light, I will lose my whole reason for living.
I know I will eventually find my way, but right now things seem so bleak. Right now, I don't even want to see anybody.

Apr 24, 2009 3:09 PM

Guest :

Hi,"boyfriend" here,
I have cognitively decided to withdraw from the relationship ,but I have not completely excluded her from my life yet. I love her and wish sincerely that she could be helped ,but I have accepted that she will never be well. I want to be her friend as I have bonded with her. However, I have accepted that she will never meet my needs in terms of a long term relationship.

I have constructed what I call my own 12 step program. I am taking things one day at a time and gradually removing myself emotionally from her.I have stopped "engaging" her lunacy. I have come to compare the effects of this mental illness to the effects of severe addiction. The effects on those closest to the sufferers, whether intentional or unintentional, have devastating results. I love her ,but I also love ME and I have decided to simply save myself while I still can.

Apr 27, 2009 11:34 AM

Guest :

Bye, bye, BF! Good luck with the 12-step. It sounds like an intelligent idea. Hope you come back and visit us again sometime.

Apr 28, 2009 12:20 AM

Guest :

I Have a 56 year old mom that suffers from PPD, both my husband and I have confronted her about this, she refuses to get help or treatment, I have 2 other siblings both have tried no luck. she belives that everyone is against her, she strongly belives in curses and magic. I have tried to make her see the reality and logic but no luck. she has a tendency of speaking ill of her childrens spouses and inlaws, when there is no facts, logic and edvidence of this. i really want to help but not sure how, she is going to move in with my husband and myself shortly, and i am not sure how to handle this. PLEASE Help and advise me?

Apr 28, 2009 2:51 PM

Guest :

To comment # 41:

1. Ask yourself why YOU are taking your mother in. A PPD like she is has no doubt systematically trained you to be in her camp, and if she sees any reaction from you that she cannot tolerate, you will be dismissed to the enemy camp. Work to see through this and realize that you have been programmed to be your mother's servant, and also, you have been programmed to feel unbearable guilt if you do not go along. THE QUESTION: "What will I feel, what am I afraid of will happen, if I tell my mother she cannot live with us?"
2. There is no chance your mother will ever let go of her defenses.
3. Get your husband involved. Have him read this page. He is going to be affected by this arrangement. He needs to be educated on this disease. And he may be the one who should put HIS foot down. Above all, he must realize (and be in sympathy with) the extent of the guilt that you have had to bear.

Apr 29, 2009 7:51 PM

Guest :

Actually, it's not commenter #41, it's #45 you were addressing.

Commenter #45, I'd like to offer you some advice about your 56 year old PPD mother. IF you can cancel the arrangements for her to move in with you, do it. You're young yet. You haven't got a clue how destructive your mother will be, to your marriage, to your children if you have any, and to your life.

It's admirable that you're kind and compassionate enough to take her in. But it's also self-destructive. I assure you, you can kiss life as you know it, goodbye, if you take your mother in. You cannot help her, she will not help herself.

It has disaster written all over it. I urge you to change your plans.

May 1, 2009 10:36 PM

Guest :

I am in full agreement with # 47. Should PPD mom's daughter (hopefully in collaborationn with her husband) decide to suggest, and subsequently insist, that the mother move somewhere else, she and he must brace for a very negative reaction. You will be made out to be the most vile and rejective persons to any one who cares to listen. And, in addition, anyone else who is next in line to take her in, will form the same opinion - you will be the scapegoats.
You will need to prepare yourselves for this. It's guaranteed.

May 3, 2009 12:33 AM

Guest :

#48, you're right. There'll be negative fallout as a result of the change-of-plan, and the fallout will be everlasting.

So the choice boils down, to whichever burden would be the lesser of two evils for the daughter. And unfortunately, nobody but she, can make that call.

Should the PPD mother move in, and the daughter realize later what a mistake it was, hopefully then she'll find the strength to do what it takes to save herself and her family, regardless of the consequences.

My mother who is 82, has PPD. I am 56. My father who is 89, said recently, "People on the outside have no idea what we've been through." He's right. People on the outside will never know what PPD did (and continues to do), to our family. Unless you've been there, there's no true comprehension.

Imagine yourself at 89, reflecting on your lifetime, and seeing nothing but suspicious persecution. Living with a PPD dulls and/or destroys, good memories and makes "hope", impossible.

May 4, 2009 8:34 PM

Guest :

i live and deal with a man who is so jealous he accuses me of having a affair with everyone i talk with we have 3 children and been together 27 years how do i get some piece of mind

May 5, 2009 1:36 AM

Guest :

This page of comments has certainly been a godsend. I have never felt I needed a "support group" - thought I could handle everything myself, but this exchange of experiences has made me feel that I am not alone battling a seemingly incomprehensible situation. I can take several steps back now and be more able to assess the total situation. The fallout of that is that I have started looking to myself and wondering how I came to fall into this. The one who marries a PPD must have what one could call a dovetail personality. Reading #49's story about her father made me wonder how he so patiently accepted the status quo for years and years. Just like I did!

May 5, 2009 9:58 PM

Guest :

#50, if ever there was an answer to your question, it is to be found, emphatically stated, in every entry on this page. I would suggest you reread everything and see if anything fits your situation.

But you may have something more specific to add that would give readers here a better understanding of that situation, so as to fashion a specific reaction, answer, advice, or what have you.

May 6, 2009 5:09 AM

Guest :

Well, #51, the key to the answer to your question about my Dad, is his generation.

He and his peers were raised with an extraordinarily strong sense of duty. Duty to his country (WW2), duty to us kids and later, when we were grown and gone, duty to our PPD mother. Because he is selfless, the concept of "duty to oneself" never occurred to him or if it did, it made him feel guilty and selfish and he banished thoughts of freedom as quickly as they arose.

And, of course, he loved her (as do we all). Kept hoping things would improve. Never fully understood Paranoid Personality Disorder and still doesn't, really. As a result, he gave our mother and us, a much better life than he was ever destined to have.

Martyrdom. And now that she has Alzheimer's as well, a wretched and undeserved ending for this great man.

May 6, 2009 5:20 AM

Guest :

Oh, and make no mistake, #51, Dad did not "go quietly into the night". He was not patient. He fought the effects of PPD until he was too old to fight anymore. And he did this, because he never wholly understood or accepted its chronic nature.

May 6, 2009 12:40 PM

Guest :

#53,54: #51 here with thanks for writing. I can "feel" your great understanding and grasp of this baffling illness, and that you must have agonized along with your father over the total inability to reach your mother. Your elucidations on your father's struggles made a special impact on me and gave me a further understanding of my own role in being attracted to a PPD personality. And, no, I am not going quietly into he night, either, and in fact have not yet given up the good fight.

To try to be brief, I was born in Arctic Norway in 1937, grew up on a small farm where we kids had to help to survive, lived through WWII - 5 yrs of war going on all around. Seems like only the strong ones made it. I always felt I could tackle everything and became very self-reliant. Age 19, finished with univ. preparatory and 1 yr of elem. sch. teaching, I set off for the U.S. to live with relatives in Calif. and study further. That sense of duty, that notion that one doesn't give up on one's family, and doing what's right, never has left me. I searched everything written on the subject, tried counselors of all stripes, dream interpretation, studied psychology, what have you. In short, I took on the responsibility for my husband's getting well. He resisted everything.

Now my 2 daughters are almost as old as you are, married with 5 great kids, and doing very well. You can see how your notes helped me feel that I can now, indeed, afford to let go of some of that struggle. Or, it could still come in handy if the world economy dives!

Please give my regards to your father. Your comments gave me new insight. You should write a book!

May 7, 2009 12:42 AM

Guest :

#51/55: Don't struggle to understand your "attraction to a PPD personality". There is no particular weakness, no disorder in you that explains why you married or stayed with PPD. Seek, and you shall find. But you'd be barking up the wrong tree.

You weren't "attracted" to PPD. You were attracted to the person behind the disorder. Many PPD's can be characterized by superior intellect, have a special and attractive gift or talent, can be otherwise full of fun and capable of love, can even function highly in a competitive work environment. My PPD mother is/was all of these things. Her PPD held rigid, cruel control over when, and upon whom she bestowed these other aspects of her personality and her pervasive, ever-present mistrust and suspicion, chipped away at our psyches, leaving US with personal issues for which we seek explanation.

My father (and we kids) never gave up on her, because of who we knew her to be in the rare times that she let-down her PPD defenses. We spent our lives waiting and hoping for her to re-appear as herself.

My mother did not "suffer" from PPD. She was in successful denial of it. Her family however, did suffer it. Which is why I have, in these writings, attempted to urge those in the early stages of dealing with PPD to escape, regardless of the feelings or attraction they have for the person behind the disorder.

May 24, 2009 7:58 PM

Guest :

I believe my boyfriend has PPD. We were together for three years. He constantly accused me of lieng and cheating on him which i never did. He thought that i had men in the house when he went out. He even thought that when i got up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom that i was really communicating with men. I am a psychiatric nurse...LOL. I tried over and over again to get him to see a psychiatrist of a therapist. He would not do this. Finally he started to say he thought i wanted to kill him. I got scared that his paranoia would cause him to hurt me because he thought i would hurt him. This is a man who has a good job and most of the time you wouldnt know he has this disorder. He never gets crazy enough where i could have him involuntarily hospitilized of evaluated. Finally i just had to get out of the relationship.

May 25, 2009 7:18 AM

Guest :

To the last poster... kudos... I admire your strength, courage and perseverance.
To all the would-be psychiatrists that are here giving 'advice'.. I think you should just shut the hell up. Everyone knows the easy route... the SELFISH route... and that would be to LEAVE the suffering person... I know it may be different for folks that are not married and have no children, but I, on the other hand, took vows... 'for better or for worse... through sickness and health". I intend to keep my family together. So all of those with the advice to leave the people we love and care for... here's a suggestion for you.. go find yourself an island somewhere off the coast of Guam, retire there in isolation and leave the rest of us to deal with this 'life' thing. I see a bunch of selfish BS. Leave our loved ones?...Geez, how long did it take for you to think of that suggestion?
Now, my situation is not that much different from many described here.. with the exception of my wife being a devout rage-aholic. She fits every characteristic symptom of PPD and possibly other disorders. I have been dealing with this for 5 years of marriage with two healthy boys, one still birth, and one miscarriage. My wife and I started together with nothing and have developed an organic farm out of a raw piece of land. We lived in a pop-up camper, imported our water for 4 years, and have dealt with the ups and downs of our idealist project. I have been perplexed by my wife's condition up until now, and I thank the many resources I have found as well as the comments on this board. But I will say this... I am self reliant.. and so is my wife... we will work through it together... Hell, I feel like I've accomplished something by at least identifying her malady. We at least know what we're dealing with now. I'm not asking anyone here for advice, instead, I'm going to give you some.
LOVE conquers all. Our decisions got us into these relationships for a reason. My reason is LOVE. I still love my wife very much. And in light of the foulness I have experienced in my relationship, I realized a very important fact. I have been dealing with my wife's condition from my own EGO. I have allowed her insults and accusations to penetrate my inner being and thereby take me out of my center. I am now affirming to myself that I should approach her with compassion and view her as someone whom is suffering more than we can imagine.

May 25, 2009 7:44 AM

Guest :

<cont.> One should be confident enough in themselves not to let what others say change the way they feel about themselves. This becomes easier when you have compassion for the one assaulting you, and realize that that person is hurting more than you(Jesus simply said, 'love your enemies', especially if it's your spouse or children I would think!).
There are some books that I've found extremely helpful... 'The Four Agreements' and it's sequel, 'The Mastery of Love' by Don Miguel Ruiz.. based on ancient Toltec wisdom.
Hang in there folks! Our loved ones need us! Who else do they have? Would you just pass them on to the next person to deal with them? Do you know what UNCONDITIONAL LOVE really means? The selfish and weak will give up... tuck tail and run... the brave remain hopeful and refuse defeat. Through LOVE(GOD) all things are possible... If you don't believe this then I can imagine your life would be a living hell. Get off the 'poor me' business and use your mind and heart to figure out practical solutions. And please stop taking things so personally... you know that your loved one has a classifiable disorder now... be creative... be positive... ACT! Stop listening to all those FOOLS that say there is no hope for people with PPD. They are the hopeless ones with their own disorders. There is always hope!

You married folks.. I suggest you review the vows you made to your partners that suffer from this condition... Married with children.. think about your children... they need both parents. And if one parent is weak it means the other should be that much stronger... that's the nature of a family... we don't abandon each other. For all the non-commitment types... it should be easy for you to 'Run to the hills'... unless of course you really LOVE that person... Boy that LOVE, thing... I tell ya..

Hang in there! At least you know you are not alone! Get help for yourself to learn how to cope. I am.

Final suggestion.... a movie.. 'What the Bleep Do We know'

Peace and Prosperity...

May 25, 2009 8:06 AM

Guest :

Gotta take back those 'Kudos'... I should have read those comments a little better.. It seems as though everyone here is hopeless.

NOT ME!

May 25, 2009 9:51 AM

Guest :

OK.. #58/59.. glad to hear you finally figured out what is wrong with your wife. And it's obvious by your post that her "rage-aholic" attitude has worn off on you. It's also very obvious that you know little or nothing about PPD, so I am sure many here in addition to me, would appreciate if you would "shut the hell up."
There was sooo much wrong with your self righteous post, I can 't even go into all the details. But let me just say this part- it's not just us saying this has no cure- it's the medical field. And to say we should stay with them- why would we subject our children to that kind of hell?
How bout you take your self righteous self and your dear sweet wife and go live on that island with her, and leave the rest of us alone to deal with reality? Oh, and better leave the kids here too- they should not have to suffer because of you or her.

May 26, 2009 2:06 PM

Guest :

Totally agree with post 61.

58/59/60.... peace, brother. You're way out-of-touch with reality.

Seems your wife isn't the only person with problems. You do what you need to do, and those of us in the real world will do likewise. I wish your children the very best of luck because with you two as parents, they're going to need lots of it.

In the meantime, your lack of compassion for these writers, and your lack of understanding of the chronic nature of PPD and its long term effects, belittle the suffering and struggle so eloquently expressed here in these heartfelt outpourings. Your opinion is not welcome on this forum.

May 26, 2009 4:47 PM

Guest :

I am the previous poster married 48 yrs to a PPD lawyer, growing up in Norway, trying all sorts of ways to get through a defense of steel, etc., etc. A true change started happening, however, when I turned my focus 180* to look at myself. I realized over a period of several months that I had been looking for a validation of me from a totally noncommittal person who saw others as 2-dimensional entities across a moat of treacherous water. That person was originally my mother, and I had chosen the same kind of personality to marry. I began to realize how little I had expected, how little I had asked for, and how hollow my inner self was. In my subconscious I was obviously powerless against certain forces. I went from feeling hopeless, to feeling angry, to feeling freed of my burden to need to change someone. (It's not easy facing yourself!) From there, I began to tally up the positives.

I am sure the problem is different depending on whether you are a woman or a man, a wife or a husband, a parent or a child, a friend or a foe. I can certainly empathize with #61, whom I recognize from several earlier statements, and who obviously has done much research on the problem and found that no solution seems probable. In your case, removing yourself from that problem is no doubt the intelligent solution. I do feel, though, that you still harbor a great deal of anger and resentment, and that's not too good to bring with you into your new life. It occurs to me that you may find more balance by taking a sober look at your father's role. Don't overlook the possibility that he may want you to see him as the faultless one.

#58-59, you have weighed all your goods with the bads, and made a decision to stay. In your case, that makes sense. And your optimist outlook is apparent throughout. You are busy now with the kids and the organic farm, but I do wonder if you might be a bit tied up with filling your days with one thing after the other, and giving short shrift to yourself.

Don't think I'm lecturing or any of the sort. I am still not through refining my own particular development, and I try to see what the variables are in others' situations. I know that nothing has been as valuable as studying the comments on this page. I, for one, anxious to learn more.

May 26, 2009 6:48 PM

Guest :

#63, if it's I to whom you refer, then no... I'm not #61. I'm #56 and several earlier posts. It's a trick to spot who's who, isn't it.

Allow me to clarify a misunderstanding. I have not "removed myself from the problem", have not taken a "new life" and have not allowed "anger" to alter or influence the care I now provide my PPD mother, who is in palliative care with a 2-3 month prognosis.

I simply advocate that anyone involved in an early relationship with a PPD, remove themselves from what promises to be a thankless, harmful and painful existence lest they find themselves where you and I both are now, looking back. I also advocate that PPD relationships not bear children. And I do so, after long, careful consideration and research, and invaluable personal experience.

May 26, 2009 10:41 PM

Guest :

No.. 61 was my post. I am currently a single mother of 5, thanks to PPD. PPD has completely ruined our marriage.
I have never posted here before, but come often to read about others struggling to deal with it. I know the fight, I know the desperation, I live it with my ppd dh.
I know when I first heard about it, maybe a year ago, while dh and I were still together, I thought we could make it through this. He would get better, I would do whatever I could to help him. Divorce was not an option. And, I work in the mental health field- I see people come in every day and get help.. they come in feeling there's no hope and with a little time, meds and counseling- the majority are better. So of course, I "knew" we would be fine.

Fast forward to now... we have been seperated for about 9 months. He is no better.. in fact he continues to get worse as time goes on. Despite meds, despite individual counseling, despite marital counseling.. he gets worse. He can't keep a relationship with anyone- not the kids, no one in my family, no one in his... he can't keep a job- "people are picking on him". We can't even have a conversation without him talking about how I "treat him like dirt", how "I am too friendly with other men", how "I said something to him 8 years ago that crushed him and he hasn't forgiven me yet".. etc, etc.

Yes, I have done extensive research on PPD. I have read about every site I could find.. just hoping.. begging.. praying to find one that has a positive outlook when it comes to PPD. I still haven't found that one that gave me hope. Even worse, the more I deal with the effects of PPD on my dh, the less hope I have. Even when I notice a slight improvement, it seems to be followed by a huge setback.. and we never regain that ground.

And for that rude, self righteous person to come post on here that you should stay with them no matter what... that really struck a sore spot with me. I could no longer just read the posts.. I had to comment on that one. If he can do it- good for him. But NO ONE should ever put another person down because they are doing it different. I have 5 kids and my kids deserve better. I deserve better. I am sorry that he has PPD. I don't hate him, I hate the PPD. It's just like any other mental health disorder.. it changes the person.

I really tried to make it work, and I am still trying. But I will no longer accept the abuse of PPD and I will no longer make my childen suffer for this either.

May 27, 2009 3:55 PM

Guest :

This, from #63! These #'s this and that are getting really confusing. I see quite clearly that there are a vast number of variables within the PPD classification. Certainly no specific answer or remedy would fit every situation. All posters on this page seem to agree on one thing: the outlook for a cure seems hopeless.

A thought occurred to me at this stage in reading these comments. I just finished Daniel Golemann, "Social Intelligence". In recent studies using MRI brainscans and other means, the part of the brain that allows a person to have empathy (

May 27, 2009 4:36 PM

Guest :

This from #63! These #'s this or that are getting confusing. Seeing from all the comments on this page that there are numerous variables and gradations within the classification of PPD, there cannot be any one answer or remedy to fit all cases. Only one thing appears certain for all - there is no way to get through to these people.

I just finished reading Daniel Goleman, "Social Intelligence". He cites many studies using MRI brain scans and other means to map the brain's processing of information. There seems to be a center that governs the ability to show empathy. Can it be that problems in this area produces PPD, and so no cure is ever possible?
Signed, 48 yrs

May 27, 2009 5:16 PM

Sasha1 :

My mother has a PPD. I just found this forum and it is very helpful. Thank you!

I have a question regarding the comment that was posted on Mar 27, 2009 7:03 AM: "It's important to leave. It's important to reassure that you'll be back".

Why is it important to reassure that you will be back? Of course you will be back, but when you are at the point that you cant take it any more, why can't you just leave? They will understand that you are so upset that you are leaving without thinking any further, won't they?

May 27, 2009 6:13 PM

Sasha1 :

One more thing I want to add. It is clear that nobody can change a person with PPD. If you are in a relationship that you can end, then end it as soon as possible - this is where there are no children, or it would be the best for the children if you left.

But many of us can't leave - these are our parents, siblings, children. So let's share your experiences on how to survive, protecting ourselves and our families, and at the same time maintaining dignity of the person with the PPD (and our own dignity).

May 27, 2009 9:38 PM

Guest :

From #63: The "Post Your Comment" seemed to suddenly develop some kind of problem, and did something to stop in middle of #66. Hopefully it has recovered.

I wanted to mention re reading Daniel Goleman, "Social Intelligence", that he refers to several studies (using MRI and other means) that have linked certain areas of the brain to the way info is processed. Specifically, a certain area seems to be connected with the ability to feel empathy. Is it possible that people with PPD have a diminished capacity (to a greater or lesser degree) in just this center, and therefore will never be able to see an other person as separate from him or herself?
Signed: 48 yrs

May 29, 2009 1:47 PM

Guest :

my boyfriend who i have been with for the past 15 years has PPD. it took me ages to realize but his symptoms started seriously showing up only 4-5 years back. although i now realize they were always there. it is emotionally draining to be with someone who has this disorder. i have cried and fought and cried some more. but noting seems to change it. PPDs just go on with their lives the way they are. it's up to us, the people who spend their lives with them, whether we continue to live this way or decide to leave. i have decided to leave. since there are no children involved i do not want to get children into the world of a PPD. it is emotionally devastating to take this decision after such a long period of being together. but i also know if i stay longer, i wont be of much help to the PPD as i will end up with a psychiatric condition myself.
best of luck to those dealing with their PPDs. get help for yourselves if you cannot leave. stay sane, stay happy. i know its easier said than done.

May 29, 2009 1:55 PM

Guest :

May 30, 2009 5:16 AM

Guest :

Sasha1.... No, they won't just "understand that you are leaving because you are upset blah blah blah...." YOU need to establish that understanding and YOU need to set the boundaries.

Envision a dog biting its tail - a vicious circle.

A PPD's chronic irrational, suspicious and mistrustful behaviour, INVITES abandonment. People flee the PPD basically to save themselves and/or their children, a lifetime of misery. Yet the bitter irony, is that "abandonment" is often one of a PPD's biggest fears.

So for those who cannot escape the PPD - as in my case (daughter), I was advised to remove myself from any given situation or discussion which I found distressing and intolerable, stating calmly why I was leaving.

Example: "You are entitled to your opinion/beliefs, but I don't agree with them, am upset by them, and won't participate. So I'm leaving, but I'll be back (tonight/tomorrow/next week/next month, etc.)".

Remaining consistent with this technique teaches the PPD what you will and won't tolerate, while maintaining the idea (trust) that you won't abandon them.

It's a coping mechanism for those who stay connected to PPD - not a cure. It's more for you than them but it also establishes consistency and boundaries that are acceptable to you BOTH.

Jun 2, 2009 10:15 PM

Guest :

I need help. I thought I was just suffering from racing thoughts and anxiety but after doing research I discovered I may actually suffer from this disorder.
I am extremely emotional, and extremely paranoid. My boyfriend of a year and half is 24 and doesn't understand why I have him on such a short leash. I stay awake at night and continuously think about interactions he has with other women. I know it sounds crazy, but all of his friends have called me out on being too obbsessive. I've been better lately. But it's all a front. I resist the urge to ask him what he does during the day, and I don't question him when he goes out for the guys. It's still so hard. I just want to be fixed of this. Every boyfriend I've ever had I have yet to trust. I can't live my life like this. I feel like I can't be alone, and at the same time I am alienating myself from everyone.
The obbsession needs to stop!

Jun 3, 2009 5:43 AM

Guest :

I wasn't going to post anything, but the last few comments have changed my mind. I was married for four years to a woman who, I now believe suffers from this disorder, or something similar. We have two children. The relationship ended two years ago, and I have suffered a great deal of guilt because of this. "For better or worse" and all that. However, after professional help, I have come to realize the amount of damage that my wife's PPD was doing to me. All Kudos to those that can stick to a relationship, for whatever reason, and make the best of it.I could not. I was not, and could not be, strong enough to live in a relationship that constantly put me under that kind of stress. I started to view myself in a negative fashion, and the downward spiral began. For me to stay would have been disastrous for myself, and ultimately for my children. Some might say I have abandoned my children, but I choose to view this in a positive way. I am giving my kids a positive and different role model that they can aspire too. I am a much more secure and positive person now that I am no longer under her controlling influence. Ultimately this will make me a better father.
Yes, the separation has resulted in a total breakdown in communication between us, but that is not such a loss anyway. Given that she was so negative towards me before separation it could not get much worse! Also my entire family has been put in the "enemy camp", and has been cut off from seeing my kids. But again, she had already isolated me from my family and friends before the separation. My parents actually get to see their grandchildren more often now than before, because the court says so.
My focus, as a father of two kids with a PPD mother, has to be on the children's welfare. I have no hope of the mother ever improving, it will take a miracle. I can only minimize her impact on my life, and the lives of those around me.
One comment on the MRI scans... The PPD ex has no sense of empathy whatsoever. She is simply incapable of understanding that another person may think/feel differently than she does. Or if they do, then their thoughts/feelings are not valid.
Also another tip for Sasha. Always say "I feel" when expressing an opinion, not "I think". Saying "I feel that's not right" is a lot better than saying "I think you're wrong". The first invites explaining why you feel a certain way (Your point of view) The second invites confrontation, as the PPD defends THEIR point of view.
PPD ex, 2 kids

Jun 3, 2009 9:27 AM

Guest :

Hi, my brother currently suffers from extreme paranoia. At first it started with his coworkers - he believed they were all plotting against him and trying to get him fired. He currently is not working and is on disability. Currently, he is believing that my sisters and I and our families are all plotting against him. He does not call us, does not speak to us when he sees us, cold as stone towards us. He has confronted me and accused me of things. He has actually emailed me a link to the "Godfather" movie where Al Pacino(Michael) gives his brother Fredo the kiss of death because Fredo betrayed him. So scary. I confronted him about this and he denied everything. Said he sent everyone the link because it's one of his favourite movies. He's been tried on many medications but so far none have helped. He has a wife and 2 young children. My sister in law is at the end of her rope...this illness has caused extreme turmoil in our family. Has anyone had a positive experience with medications? If so, what medications?
Concerned sister

Jun 3, 2009 11:20 AM

Guest :

I am just beginning to realize (as of yesterday) that my husband is probably suffering from PPD. This is VERY disheartening to say the least. We have been married for 5 years, but the past 2 years have been the worst with the past 6 months almost unbearable. I can not imagine how anyone has been able to put up with this for more than a decade as some have indicated. He is extremely fearful of me abandoning him and accuses me of sleeping with just about every male I know. He thinks If I would just do certain things that everything in our marriage will be great because I am the problem not him. Anything done that makes him feel uncomfortable or not in control, he rants about without ceasing. For example he was upset that he could not use a computer that belonged to someone else BECAUSE THEY HAD WORK TO DO. Of course in his mind they plotted to use it when he wanted to use it... I believe there is some heredity trait involved. He has family members who suffer with some form of a mental disorder. I was actually concerned about this before we married because two of his aunts suffer from some sort of disorder...I wondered about our children, (fortunately we have none) not realizing I should have been concerned about him. Fortunately for me I have friends who are professionals and have dealt with people with this disorder (I am still a bit upset that they never told me this was their suspicion all along...). I am going to try and deal with this, with their insight. To reply to the woman with a mother suffering from PPD that said "if there is a God..." I believe there is and I believe He is where we can all find comfort. Thank you for sharing your insights, they have helped. God bless you all.

Jun 3, 2009 6:02 PM

Guest :

My life is a living hell with a mother with PPD. Growing up I was always afraid of what she was going to do or accuse someone of. One time a woman called my house to say her son couldn't make it to soccer practice because her husband had just had a heart attack and my mom grabbed the phone and started screaming at the lady to get her own husband. And on the day I moved home from college she wouldn't let me go to the grocery store with her because she didn't want our names to be linked- apparently people were "colluding" against her.

I am so torn about moving out because it feels like I am abandoning my family, but if I stay I'm going to be miserable. It's a lose-lose situation I guess.

Anyone else have the experience of growing up with a parent with PPD? Do you ever worry that you'll develop it too?

Jun 7, 2009 4:59 PM

Guest :

From Sasha1:

To answer the question above. I grew up with a mother who has PPD. I loved her very much, I still do. Here is what I would say: Move out as soon as you can. Try not to except any help from your parents if you can. Be nice and carrying to them, especially to your mother. Be consistent, but keep the distance - this is very important. Do not let her get involved in your life too much. Don't introduce her to you friends, or do as little of it as you can.

In other words, make sure to take care of her and comfort her as much as you can, but don't let her in to your life, keep her out of your life.

Jun 8, 2009 6:39 AM

Guest :

Dear Sasha1 and girl with the PPD mother, I too have a PPD mother. I did not find out she had PPD until last year when her condition worsened. Me and all her close friends and relatives tried to convince her to take medications and see a psychiatrist, but she refused... and she continues to do so. I later found out that she did have a treatment 5 years ago but she discontinued it (which is from when on her condition worsened).
I have no hope left that my mother will come to her senses and seek treatment. I think that she has lived with PPD for far too long to be able to see things clearly. She is in permanent denial that something is wrong with her and is a master of disguising her condition, and many people don't see that something is actually wrong with her (and well in the past neither did I, though I did think that she has a problem with keeping friends).
I now try to make the best of the situation - keep a distance from her (and thank god I live abroad so it's easy), don't introduce her to any friends or colleagues, help in every way that I can but without letting her take advantage of me (in the past for instance I've felt like an ATM machine), and of course continue to communicate with her even if that means that sometimes (or most of the time) I have to hear about her "enemies" and who did what to her. I try not to comment on this, because I don't want her to put me into any category or twist what I say and use it to accuse other people or myself... though sometimes if she goes too far I tell her that i feel she is not being fair or even leave if she has a fit of anger... but I never argue with her (as I know I will never win and there is a risk of her making me one of her "enemies").
I don't know what the future holds for someone with PPD without any treatment and living alone. I often fear for my mother, and of course sometimes living abroad doesn't help either. But I try to help in every possible way, see her as much as I can, and I try to remember that I also have my life to live and I cannot change her.
I hope this helps.
P.S. If anyone has had a positive experience of convincing someone with a PPD to seek (and continue with) treatment please share it with the rest of us.

Jun 9, 2009 4:27 AM

Guest :

To the young lady who believes herself to have PPD:

The one major factor that distinguishes you from a true PPD sufferer, is that you acknowledge the problem. Highly unusual, and rare for a PPD to admit to their own issues.

For that reason alone, I'm not sure you have PPD. You do however, describe classic symptoms and since PPD is generally believed to surface in early adulthood (your age bracket), it may be so.

I strongly urge you to seek a professional diagnosis and help, and I applaud you for showing a genuine desire to help yourself, and for sharing your experience here. Please continue to keep this forum updated with your findings and progress.

Jun 9, 2009 11:00 PM

Guest :

We have been married 49 years. 25 years ago my wife told me she was having affairs, naming names, places, etc. Our sex life died and we have not had sex in 25 years. I have told my wife that what happened 25 years ago is not relevant, and we should move on. She says she did not mean what she told me, and I must tell her that she never had any affairs, or else we cannot have sex. Why does she insist on my telling her that she was lying to me? Why can't she just move on? She says I am a PPD person. Am I?

Jun 10, 2009 11:25 AM

Guest :

From Sasha1:

No, you do not have PPD. One of the characteristics of PPD is that they never forgive anything and they just can't move on. PPD would never say "what happened 25 years is not relevant", instead they would bring it up over and over and use it to justify their own bad actions (even actions that have nothong to do with whatever it was that happened 25 years ago.)

Jun 11, 2009 4:39 PM

Guest :

I have a question. Is it true that people with PPD normally are not very honest and good people? They have no problem being untruthful, disloyal, unfaithful or unfair. They don't keep their word and don't feel bad about it. Bad mouthing is a normal thing to them. Either that or sometimes they go to another extreme, idealizing some people - being unreasonably nice to them, which does not last

It is one thing to be paranoid and demanding, but it is another thing when one has qualities listed above. Or am I wrong and it is not necessarily the case?

I would appreciate if you could share your experiences.

Jun 11, 2009 6:44 PM

Guest :

I wouldn't describe them like that. My dh is not disloyal or unfaithful... and I wouldn't describe him as a dishonest or not good person. Knowing this is a disorder, I understand why he acts like he does. Now, that doesn't mean I want to live with hiim acting that way..we have been seperated for a long time now and I have no plans to get back with him anytime soon. But it's not like he is just some horrible selfish, angry person.. there is a real reason why he is like that.. does that make any sense?

Jun 14, 2009 4:47 AM

Guest :

Nobody has mentioned the PPD's propensity to proke. To elicit behavior in an attempt to have their spouse/significant other conform to their distorted belief/perception. What does the "victim" spouse do when the PPD tries to elicit behavior (usually anger) only to say "see, you have an ager problem". My situation included an event where my wife actually provoked me into becoming angry through ridicule and sarcasm, I become angry, then she continued the belittling and said, hit me, please hit me (she had NEVER been hit or threatened by me), I did not hit her. THEN when we visit the marriage counselor, I get the "it is never ok to say you were provoked into anger as an excuse" and the counselor completely disregards the fact that my wife actually asked me to hit her. There is a HUGE difference between a person saying "she made me do it because of her behavior, i.e. she deserves it" and "she actually asked me to do it and she was behaving in a way where she was TRYING to get me angry". Has anybody else experienced this craziness where you feel as though you are being set-up to behave in conformity with the PPD's distorted view of you?

Jun 15, 2009 7:01 AM

Guest :

Yes, I agree they do like to provoke. Dh will try to set up a situation and try to get me to fall for it with anger. He likes to ask me if I have been thinking or feeling a certain way and I can say yes- well then you are as paranoid as you say I am! is his answer. What he doesn't realize is my response is totally normal.
I think it's more of a defensive type reaction for them. If others react like that, then I must be normal.. it think it helps calm them.. but also assure them they are just like everyone else.

Jun 15, 2009 2:58 PM

Guest :

Baiting, or provoking you until you react the way they want you to react, serves merely to confirm for them that they are correct in their thinking. It vindicates their suspicions and irrationalities.

Your best course of action is, as difficult as it may be for you, NOT to react.

Jun 15, 2009 8:59 PM

Guest :

Not sure if it's just my dh or all PPD's- seems like any reaction confirms his irrationalities. He seems very able to get offended no matter what I say or do. Even when I say nothing.. maybe just wave him off or throw my hands up in the air- he tells the therapist that I "provoke" him when I do that because he has no idea what I mean... but he knows I hate him.

Jun 18, 2009 1:07 AM

Guest :

This is a note from "48 yrs". Readers of this page, you might remember me as one with a long experience living with a PPD, but generally having an optimistic outlook that a solution to this baffling illness could be possible. As far as that idea goes, I think I have just received the final setback.

I told my husband of the valuable experience it has been for me to join this page and hear how others are dealing with similar immense frustrations. I said that he might find it interesting to read these comments, too, and that perhaps he might want to add something of his own thoughts. He said OK, show me where I write stuff. I ACTUALLY thought he would read some of this, perhaps even have some reflections. The next day I checked and there was his input - # 82 (if I counted right)! (In his mind he has been married 49 yrs, but it really is 48. I do realize that a person with PPD is certainly suffering, perhaps even more than the hapless "victims", who knows, to make a marriage seem longer than actual.)

Imagine my shock to find the recount of all his old delusions that have persisted, without change, through all these many years. This is his reality - in his mind he saw me engaging in affairs, and to him it was real. He has not been able to let go of his paranoid fantasies, even though not much has come to the surface recently. He must have relished a gratuitous opportunity to let the world know how unfairly he has been treated.

Some of the later comments on this page are dealing with the idea of the PPD provoking just the reaction he or she is expecting. I look back and realize how my genuinely perplexed reactions unwittingly must have reconfirmed for him, over and over, the validity of his distorted views. People who don't know him well, and even the ones who do, will nary know of this weird side of him, because he very cleverly let only me, privately, have the full force of his delusional anger and his resentment and his morbid jealousy.

All of you out there - it helps to write about it.

.

Jun 18, 2009 8:29 AM

Guest :

*****People who don't know him well, and even the ones who do, will nary know of this weird side of him, because he very cleverly let only me, privately, have the full force of his delusional anger and his resentment and his morbid jealousy.
**********************

WOW! This is soooo true! We have been going to counseling for several weeks now and he seems to have the counselor convinced that he is "frustrated" and I am "cold and contempuous" to him. She (the counselor) seems to have forgotten how she labeled him as "manipulative" a few weeks back.. and she has completely missed most of his PPD symptoms. She doesn't seem to realize that most of his ramblings are untrue and I can't get a word in edgewise to let her know.. plus when I actually do get to say something- well, suddenly he feels the same way.. it's like an endless battle.

Jun 18, 2009 2:51 PM

Guest :

From Sasha1:

"48 years", I was the one who replied to your husband's comment. Now I understand that we should refrain from making that kind of judgments.

My mother has a PPD - I have no doubts about it, but I know I will never be able to tell her that or to talk to her about it. She will never accept or consider - she will find a way to turn it all against us and use it to pull us in to an ugly argument.

Talking about arguments, fights - they thrive on these, they must have them like we must have water or food. I avoid arguments at any cost. When she is able to pull me in - she is satisfied and I am so emotionally drained for a few days, even weeks - it dominates everything I do. When she is not able to pull me in - I feel a little better, but she is so unsatisfied and upset, she acts like she was insulted, rejected, ignored; she will use any means, I mean anything, to make me feel guilty. It is truly a no win ...

To those who live with a PPD spouse and have children, here is my advise.

Your spouse is likely to tell you children all kinds of lies about you and they will believe most of it. Don't let her/him provoke you to act in a way that proves her/him right. I did not understand or liked my father until I was an adult. That is because my mother was always able to provoke him, he often acted very angry and out of control. Now when I look back I see how we all were manipulated by her and I realize what a different person my father would have been if my mother did not have a PPD, or if he understood what the condition she has. I don't think he fully understands it even now.

When your children grow up, send them away. Make them go to college far away. Try to keep your spouse out of their life as much as possible. I imagine this will be hard - often children are PPD's main contact with the world, the tool that PPD invested in and that he/she uses for survival.

Try to establish a relationship with your children, when you communicate with them directly, not through you spouse. Don't let your spouse control the relationship you have with your children. I know it is going to be very hard, may be even impossible. You won't be able to do it unless you are very strong, intelligent, smart and sensitive person ...

Jun 18, 2009 3:45 PM

Guest :

"48 yrs" back to say, it is invaluable to know that one is not alone in facing seemingly insurmountable obstacles.

I have had a revelation that might possibly help #91. I, too, had thoughts that the psychologist we consulted over the last 3 yrs maybe didn't quite fully understand the whole problem, even though he is known as one expert counsel in our city. After reading several books on the subject (Daniel Goleman, "Social Intelligence" comes to mind), I finally realized what an eggshell-thin line counselors must walk in dealing with this personality. How they must try to establish a non-threatening and supportive relationship with this type of client, or risk having them head out the door and never return. They know that the PPD's partner is stronger emotionally, or else they wouldn't have taken on such a "project". Stabilizing the PPD fragile ego will be their prime task, and it may seem to the other as if the problem is not fully recognized. The last 3-4 times I went alone, and I started dealing with my own concepts. Like why I married this kind of person.

Knowing now how PPD's are looking for any reaction to validate their reality, I think the only answer is to try to change one's focus in dealing with them. Has anybody ever heard or read about a solution!

Jun 21, 2009 12:49 AM

Guest :

Finally there has been more vocalization of PPD in the past 1 years.

Perhaphs humanity has move forward enough (time and energy and awareness) that PPD has come into focus.

Below are two groups. You might want to check them out.

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/paranoidpersonalitydisorderforum/

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/ppdcure/

Jun 22, 2009 9:41 AM

Guest :

"Stabilizing the fragile PPD ego" sounds like catering to them once again. I get tired of things always being about them.. protecting them.. what about just getting them to get real. They seem to think things are all about them most of the time and this kind of action, IMO, just makes this seem like it's true. I would think it would be more beneficial to work against the narcissism instead of feeding into it.

Jun 23, 2009 3:52 AM

Guest :

To #95.....

What planet are you from? Are you even personally connected to or familiar with a PPD? Because it seems your experience and view, are both limited.

"Stabilizing", "protecting" and "catering" are coping mechanisms for the person/people who have chosen to stay and deal. These things don't help the person with PPD - they help the caregiver.

Your approach of "making them get real" may be instinctual, but it does not work. It causes further alienation and exacerbates the symptoms of the disorder.

In all of these writings, one thing about PPD should have stood out for you, and anyone reading here. PPD is chronic.... incurable. Until you wrap your head around that, you won't begin to understand PPD and the complexities of the relationship dynamic between a PPD and those closest to them (caregivers).

Jun 23, 2009 7:20 AM

Guest :

Guest100 (just numbering it):

PPDs come from different backgrounds, races, cultures, religions, countries. Yet all the PPD are so similar (conceptually).

What is the cause of PPD?

Those interested may joing the below group....not for answer to the above question though but in general.

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/paranoidpersonalitydisorderforum/

Jun 23, 2009 8:58 AM

Guest :

Jun 25, 2009 9:30 AM

Guest :

To #96- there's no reason to get nasty here. And FYI- I am currently a single mom of 5, thanks to a PPD dh of 8 years. So, yes- I have dealt with it extensively and continue to try to deal with it.

Jun 26, 2009 1:31 AM

Guest :

I have been looking for answers to the demise of my last relationship for the last few months. PPD explains it all, i am certain my ex fiancee has it. Long story short, I met my soulmate and proposed to her after 1 year... she left me shorty after to conclude a 15month relationship. I am 29 she is 30. She left me because I eventually became verbally abusive towards her and overly depressed and angry as a reaction to her constant accusations and mistrustful nature. Everything was MY fault.
We have been broken for 3 months now.

My problem is... I still love this girl. She has gone for a 3 month world trip to clear her head (and maybe to give herself an opportunity for personal growth). When she returns, she may contact me possibly with view to reconciliation. I am struggling to close my heart to this woman with the hope that she will change. She did show some change after our break up and mentioned she has paranoia.

Will she change? Has anybody experienced a PPD sucessfully overcome thier demons?

Jun 26, 2009 8:42 PM

Guest :

# 100, here is what I would suggest:

Find a pen and write down everything that is good about this girl. Then try to put these in order from most desirable, to lesser. Ask yourself, like for instance,

Do I get a charge of having others see me with her?
Do I admire her looks? Her education? Her family? Her family's
financial status? Her intelligence? Her earning
potential? And so on -
Does she do things for me that I value?
Does she do some things that I dislike doing, or don't get around
to?
etc., etc.

There, in a nutshell, you will have the answer to why you are drawn to her. Your # 1 answer will possibly point to an area in which you might need to work on developing more confidence within yourself, or figure out a way to explain how you are so dependent on her.

It is this writer's firm conviction that we must work on, and try to see, ourselves first. A person with PPD will never be able to be anything different. That's how they will be 4ever.

Most people in a situation such as yours go ahead and marry, with disastrous results. You seem already to have gathered knowledge and insight that makes you able to better assess the consequences.

Jun 28, 2009 9:14 PM

Guest :

Guest #100 here.

Thanks for your reply. I have taken your suggestion into consideration. My conclusion is that I am drawn to this girl in so many ways due to all her good qualities. There was enough "good" for me to propose marriage and I thought the trust would come in time. Unfortunately, the PPD will always inhibit the trust I require in a relationship. I am closing my heart to this girl as I believe she will never change.

I think it is interesing to note a few behaviors that I noticed during my relationship... which may help others identify PPD:
- She turned to like minded people to strengthen her paranoid thoughts, namely her sister and mother. (suggesting the paranoia may have been learned)
- Often "white lied" (possibly to cover paranoid thoughts)
- Continual snooping on my phone/laptop
- Social isolation. I did not know her friends.
- Elicited hostility. She would torment until I reacted (this strengthened her resolve that I was an "abuser")
- Did not confide in me about her finacial situation
- Due to her secretiveness and mistrustful nature, I too became paranoid (at times I asked myself if she was cheating on me, however I trust she would not have)
- Marking her territory before I travelled for work. eg: make-up smeared on my toiletries bag, hiding numerous sweet love notes in my luggage (very nice gesture but was it to foil a cheating attempt?)
- I felt the need to contact her alot when I was travelling.
- She also asked is she could come with me on work related trips when it was evident this was inappropriate. Testing my reaction maybe?

I hope others can identify the red flags before it is too late. It is very painful to experience a partner with PPD.

Cheers

Jul 2, 2009 8:49 PM

Guest :

I suspect my girlfriend to have PPD... she ticks all the boxes.

Question.
We have a great sex life, is that possible with PPD person?
She is perfect at times then shows traits of PPD other times, is this something that comes and goes?

Jul 3, 2009 6:14 PM

Guest :

To 103-
Yes, PPD comes and goes for many years... as time goes on it comes more often..
Sex, good or bad, has nothing to do with it. If she is truly PPD, sex will be a huge issue as time goes on and she accuses you of sleeping with everyone and their sister..

Jul 3, 2009 10:24 PM

Guest :

# 103, I think a person with PPD is that way at all times, and it will never go away, and it is the damndest thing to understand. They just will not have any reaction or response if you try to talk with them about it. You will meet up with a blank wall. But there may be times when the PPD person feels reasonably in control and does not feel threatened, and it may look like the problem comes and goes.

Also, sex itself may not be the troubling focus. I know of one PPD whose main paranoia had to do with money - - he had to have total control of his money and accused his wife of any spending of money that he had not authorized, even for groceries. And he was a multi-millionaire. Of course, this led to secondary problems in all areas of their relationship, including sex.

If you search under "Personality Disorders", you may find descriptions that better fit your girlfriend. But if you care to list her main problem behaviours, the people writing on this page may have some ideas and reactions. There are some commenters here who seem to have extensive experience with PPD, and have figured out all the angles.
Sincerely, "48 yrs"

Jul 8, 2009 11:44 PM

Guest :

Hi All,
I'm not a blogger and don't know very much about how it works. But the posts I've read this evening on this website hit very close to home and have inspired me to see if I can join into the conversation. After some extended research, I've become more and more convinced that my wife of 32 years has PPD. The illogicalness and irrationalities, the accusations, the vehement distrust are driving me to wit's end.
That's all for now, until I know that I'm doing this blog thing right. If so, I've more details to share in a subsequent post, and I'm open to any advice/wisdom any of you might be able to share with me. Thanks.

Jul 9, 2009 4:23 PM

Guest :

I am a 63 yr old mother looking for answers & help to deal with my 44 year old son who I suspects has PPD. I feel so foolish in that I did not see the estrangement coming between he & I. My daughter is 7 years younger than him. For yrs my son lived at home with me & his stepfather. We got along well or so it seemed. My husband taught him to hunt & fish and it appeared that there was genuine affection between the two. I know that my husband felt that way about him. My son had friends that sooner or later would disappoint him or as he said 'used' him in some way and then he would cut off the relationship with them. I watched this happen but there always seemed to be valid reasons for the end of the friendship. Whem he began to have some gastro/stomach issues I was very concerned and tried to help but he just seemed to push me away more & more. When my Mother died and her home was ready to be sold, I convinced him that it would be a good thing for him to buy to set himself up in his own home and this was something that he had talked about doing. After the act of sale he changed the locks on the house and basically none of his family has been inside the house. My sister & I had not finished clearing Mom's things out and many were heirlooms of personal value. He has ignored my pleas to let us have these items. He does not call or visit any of us. Cell phone messages & e-mails go unanswered. In early Fall of 2006 he became engaged to a lady and they were married at Thanksgiving. Immediately after the wedding it was as if his family had the plague and we were just not a part of any family gatherings even tho her family and ours were not strangers to each other. Much later we found out that she had made him leave at least 3 different times because they could not get along. When I had a very serious surgery in 2007 even tho he was in the same area of the hospital, he never called 1 time or came to see me. She did call the day of the surgery when I was being moved to the room but did not call again. Three weeks later they showed up at my house for Mother's Day with a gift & a card. I told him then that I no longer knew who he was. Last year around Mother's Day they were separated again and he had started talking with his sister and he did come over for dinner. But a week later he linked an innocent remark that I made to an object that he had that his wife distroyed. My son displays all of the symptoms and criteria suggested for PPD.I do not know what to do. Mom

Jul 13, 2009 12:22 AM

Guest :

Dear Mom,
There is no use hoping that your son will change his ways. The answer is most likely to be found way back in time when he grew up. I would like to offer some brief suggestions, not knowing all sides of the story.

The first task would be to look within yourself and try to see what role you have been playing. From your comments it seems clear that you have been a hovering mother. Your son has been the focus of your life which may have kept him from developing independence. Although he may be trying to be his own person by withdrawing and taking charge, it would be my guess that he is too self-oriented to relate to others.

Secondly, You do not mention any traumatic circumstances connected with his childhood. For someone to have developed paranoia, he would have had to experience severe mental, physical, sexual abuse, or other grave and long-lasting situations. Your second husband seems to have gone all out in caring for his stepson.

Reading your letter, and barring any decisive aspects not mentioned, I would venture the thought that he doesn't have PPD, but perhaps something more like narcissistic personality disorder.

Jul 15, 2009 3:48 PM

Guest :

My husband has PPD, well I think. I don't know how to tell him he has this mental problem. He wouldn't take this from his family because he just won't listen to them and there is no one really that he trust. I would be the closest thing to trust that he has. I don't want to break that trust because he don't forgive. What do I do because it's just so important that he get some perfessional help?

Jul 16, 2009 12:48 AM

Guest :

Guest 109: I'm sorry your hubby seems to have PPD.

Carefully read through ALL of the posts on this forum. You'll discover, in summary, that PPD's will NOT.... (read NEVER)... seek professional help. And yes, your mentioning a problem to him, will shake or destroy whatever trust exists. So, don't.

Good luck.

Jul 16, 2009 8:58 AM

Guest :

Hmmm.. I wouldn't say never.. my dh did seek counseling after I left him.. but only to prove that he really doesn't have a problem. Don't know if it's all PPD's, but he is so good at being manipulative that the counselor apparently didn't see the problem.

Jul 16, 2009 4:51 PM

Guest :

Well, the point is, no good comes out of counseling, nothing really helps. My advice - divorse, the sooner the better ....

Jul 18, 2009 6:26 PM

Guest :

I have been desparately seeking the solution to separate from my husband who seems suffering from PPD. I have 2 children who are 6, 7, I do not have my family in this country, but I am the bread weaner. His condition got all the sudden worse when my kids were born, he attacked my mother who came to help me during my baby was born, chasing & accusing her for not washing her hands even she did repetitively, threatened my friends who let my mother stayed atthat time. I didn't know back then he had a problem, but I thought he was just stressed out with our first baby. THen as he never went back to work since he quit a job when we discovered I was pregnant, I kept working hard for our family. But now since my kids started to go to school, he fights with neighbor kid, fights with other parent in our kids school, start attacking the school administrator & principal in order to justify him by sending multiple e-mails everyday. He explode in front of children, tramatize them and even tried to lock us in the house and did not let kids to the school last time. I know I need to separate from him for the sake of children, but I am so scared of his revenge. I don't know what he would do to us. Even if I escape with my children to my home country, I know he would come and threaten my family. If anyone know what the best way to separate from this type of person, any advice would be appreciated. He never trust any 3rd party counselling, he is a control fleek & verbally abusive, heavy mood swings, marijuana abuser. Mom of two.

Jul 23, 2009 7:10 PM

Guest :

Oh, my God I have been living with a ppd husband for 13 years, I feel so sad inside to know that i have been living this way for so long, I have been accused of having affairs with every man I have come in contact with,and all along I have been trying to defend myself, we have beeen arguing and fighting for many years, I would cry and cry to him just so he could beleive that i was being faithful. All along, all i tryed to do was keep peace. This is so unbeleiveable that I happen to find this web sight, I'm scared,stressed,hurt,and feel lost......and like a few of the other writers wrote that we love our spouses and would love for them just to be normal. I know that he loves me but my daughters and parents are tried of seeing me so unhappy. I feel so tried....

Jul 25, 2009 9:58 PM

Guest :

Guest 114:... I'm so sorry to read your post. It made me remember my father at the 13 year marriage mark - he tried to leave my PPD mother that year, and my emotional reaction at the time (I was 11) made him stay.

His life to that point had been very difficult - same as yours. Her irrational mistrust and suspicion haunted him all the days of their 59 years together. No need for me to go into more detail - you're living it yourself.

She died last month. His grief is palpable. He has forgiven her, all but forgotten the hell her disorder put us through so often for so long. He misses her terribly.

Had I known then, at 11, what I know now about PPD, I'd not have stopped him from leaving. But I miss her, too. We loved her. She just made life very, very tough.

I'd not wish it on another living soul. You have my sincere sympathies.

Jul 27, 2009 7:23 PM

Guest :

Wow. Reading all these posts have opened my eyes: I believe the woman I work for fits the bill for PPD: her phone is tapped;someone comes into her house every night;doesn't need medication;family members 'doped'her by slipping Rx into her food;dtrs want to steal all her money;therapy never works;she doesn't need therapy;someone is always going through her mail;people at the bank will not help her;etc etc ETC. All that all of you have said has really helped me, and I concur with others' conclusions:there is no resolving this,no changing her.
I would add: around stressful holidays/anniversaries, when she is under alot of stress, the paranoias get much worse, become "full blown," so at those times I try to keep everything very very low key, and have few expectations. In conversations, I will not allow her to go down a line of thought where she winds up viciously attacking someone-I change the subject, or say 'let's stay positive.' BUT, I do not live with her...--and couldn't. One dtr has completely cut herself off from her mother/my friend--and I can see why, especially after reading all that you all have shared here--for her sanity! Very difficult to stay in close with someone who in the twinkling of an eye can turn around and accuse you of the most horrendous things (!)...
Thank you all for sharing. I had no place to share any of what I am experiencing, out of deference to her--don't want to gossip, and others in town simply do not understand the nature of this disability. The challenge is how to stay loving, set limits without guilt,realize you can't 'fix' it,exit when you need to, and be (and stay)kind--and avoid responses that make things worse.
How do I join "Suite101"? --Interested-and-concerned.

Jul 28, 2009 4:58 PM

Guest :

Hi all-this is me, the July 27th poster, back again--because I have questions maybe some of the hardened troops (you out there living in the trenches)can answer. I have been working with my friend for a year-in close and personal-- 'In close and personal' because she calls me every day--usually 5-8 times a day--with tasks to do/requests,--and to talk... Non of other friends can take her, because she talks--non stop, without taking a breath, without a pause, incessantly---looping around from one subject to another to another to another to another to...--present-day to long ago--all over the place--whatever occurs to her. She absolutely cannot stop. And you cannot tell what is real, and what is imagined/embroidered, because much of it is emotionally charged. Nowadays I just put the speakerphone down and continue my work and let her talk. When we are out, she talks, the whole time, nonstop. What is this all about? I have never encountered this before. Is this characteristic of PPD? ---or of something else? Thanks for any insight anyone can give me. Interested-and-concerned.

Jul 29, 2009 11:06 AM

Guest :

Is it possible for a person to suffer from multiple personal disorders? It's been extremely difficult with my husband for 10 years who has characteristics of Paranoid PD, Narcissistic PD & Borderline PD. He cannot feel comfortable that one parent to take out our 2 kids (5,7)to more than 30 minutes away, so I cannot take my children to even museum, etc. He has to come up with strategies when we are going away even for a few days so that no one realize that we are not home (ex. the car service has to drive in to our garage and get on), he thinks our neighbor could be a spy. He told me that he was threatened by one of the parent from my children's school, he was afraid that he might use a mafia to kill him and might harm our children, etc. He always think he is so smart and talented that other people cannot understand him or they are jerous of him. He thinks he knows what other people are thinking. He is extremely moody, snapps unpredictablly, very abusive, cannot keep a job, always tired and sleeps a lot, he had on & off contact with his family. According to his family, he was a very sweet child, but when he reached pubity, he changed 180 degree, became very difficult & violent, started drugs, steeling, etc. As he does not recognize any of his problems nor believe in the counselling, I am not sure what he has, however if I could it would help how to deal with him, what I could do to protect my children from any exposure. Any insight/advise would be appreciated. Thank you.

Jul 29, 2009 1:26 PM

Guest :

I think PPDs have to have some people in their lives that they "own". PPDs truly treat them like they own them. They expect these people to be unconditionally loyal, do what they are told to do and even think what they are told to think - and if they don't then PPDs not just dump them, but they dump them in to dirt. Sooner or later it happens to every single of their "friends" and family members.

It might be that this is what is happening to you …

Aug 10, 2009 3:26 PM

Guest :

To the latest posters:
1. Read all 119 letters and comment.
2. Please find: A PPD does not get over it. There is something
wrong or missing in his or her brain.
3. If you fear for your life or your children's, find a safe and
secret passage, and leave. Breaking up with a PPD is DANGEROUS.

Aug 11, 2009 11:04 AM

Guest :

Question for everyone who has dealt with PPD-s.

I believe whenever PPD-s have a chance to easily check and find out if their suspicions are justified - they back out and don't do it. Somehow they do not want to find out if what they are thinking is true. A normal person would do anything to have a prove and know for sure, but PPD-s avoid knowing the truth.

Have you experienced something like this? Do you think that is because they actually know they are wrong? They know they are wrong, but they need that tension, intrigue - these suspicions is the food that their brain needs in order to survive.

Anyone has seen this?

Aug 13, 2009 5:09 AM

Guest :

Poster #121: Very good question and from my experience, I can answer "yes".

My mother threatened many times to hire a private investigator, but never did so. Her excuse was always that PI's are too expensive.

This was her dilemma.

1. It was her job, to persecute my father with illogical suspicions. So if she sought and FOUND proof that confirmed her suspicions, she'd be forced to take action (leave my father), which she had no intention of doing.

2. If she sought and found NO proof to confirm her suspicions, she would have remained steadfast in her convictions anyway, and would've accused the P.I. of being collaborative with my father. AND.... she'd have been out the money.

She was damned if she did, and damned if she didn't. She had no intention of facing her demons and seeking proof would have done just that - made her face something either way.

And she knew it.

Aug 13, 2009 11:40 PM

Guest :

# 121, in my estimation, you asked a good question, and # 122, you gave a good answer. We are perhaps getting very close to the heart of the PPD problem here. The paranoid notions have been developed to protect from being rejected, harmed, annihilated. An unreasonable or cruel parent may have given the blueprint for how to deal with people suspected of evil intentions. To face the fact that these ideas amount to a false front would be to expose the PPD to the reality of the unbearable hurt he or she suffered in formative years. OK, so that's the diagnosis. How do we go from here?

OK, so that may be the diagnosis. But is there a way to go from here?

Aug 15, 2009 4:39 AM

Guest :

#123:.... I had to re-read your post three times, to get its gist. With the exception of two assumptions that may or may not be accurate, you are correct.

1st assumption: that PPD's suffered a trauma in formative years.
Some did, and some did not. Since they won't admit to a problem or seek help, the origin of their PPD is irrelevant. Which leads to...

2nd assumption: that there is somewhere to go, from here.
There isn't. One close to a PPD, must either accept and adapt, or exit.

Yes, the paranoid notions have been developed by the PPD, for protection. If the PPD undertakes to confirm or deny their suspicions, they risk lowering, or altogether losing, their protective shield. They have no desire to take, or intention of taking, such a risk.

Aug 17, 2009 9:35 AM

nadis :

i need help to diagnose whether my spouse has this condition. He is always suspicious of everyone. is very pessimistic about everyone. has no close friend.. he is always to himself in his books and computer. and he has strained relationship with his family member as he has said that they did 'bad' things to him. Is it me or is there a problem. Because for the past 5 years we have been married he is extremely difficult to live with. the latest is that he is accusing me of being unfaithful

Aug 17, 2009 8:13 PM

Guest :

Nadis:
From what you've written, your husband does possess what appear to be clear-cut signs of PPD. However, none of us here is qualified to make the diagnosis.

Further, as stated in so many other posts, diagnosis of PPD is moot, from a "cure" standpoint. There is no cure, and there is no help. PPD is chronic. Therefore, a diagnosis won't be of much use to you.

You may find that reading ALL of the posts here will give you a better understanding of PPD. Also do an internet search on PPD for more information.

Eventually you will have some difficult decisions to make, and I wish you the best of luck with them.

Note: when researching PPD, type the name in full. Paranoid Personality Disorder. Otherwise, PPD will produce such results as "post partum depression".

Aug 24, 2009 9:48 AM

Guest :

I have been with my husband for 11 years and have just recently come to believe that he has PPD. I learned this when I was reading Emotional Vampires as he had me convinced that my daughter was an emotional vampire. My heart dropped when I jumped to the chapter on paranoid personality disorder and took the test with him in mind - the results were shocking. My husband believes that everyone takes advantage of him and that they are jealous of what he has in his life. He believes my sisters are jealous of the house that I live in, the car I drive and the husband I married. He believes that my children (all out of the home now) only contact me when they want something from me and that they lie to me about everything. Unlike many other guests here, he has joked about me having an affair a couple of times but he has never become angry or obsessed with those thoughts. He has basically isolated me from my family and my old friends, and the only friends we associate with are his. He poses questions in such a way to try to trick me to determine if I'm lying. He believes that he can read people better than most and has convinced me that my instinct on peoples intentions and motives are all wrong. He has cut off ties with his brother because he perceives he has done him wrong.

I love this man but have lost myself along the way. In order to avoid the all night arguments or to keep some peace in my life, I have expressed my agreement, all long feeling like I will just explode. I have tried to leave him on several occasions but I am weak and he has always convinced me to return, either by threatening to harm himself or by convincing me that everyone else is wrong about him and that it is he that has been the victim of wrongdoing. I am at the point where although I love him and find it hard to imagine my life without him, I also find it hard to imagine living with him for another day. I want peace in my life. I want my family and friends back in my life if it is not too late. I have made the decision to leave but I don't want to hurt him and I certainly don't want him to hurt himself. I know he loves me, he tells me constantly, but he refuses to believe that there is anything wrong with him, it has to be everyone else around him.

I'm not even sure what I'm looking for as far as a response on this page, I just feel better having put some of my thoughts down.

Aug 25, 2009 10:46 AM

Guest :

Does anyone have any success stories of someone who has overcome this disorder? OR is there absolutly no help?

Aug 26, 2009 4:58 AM

Guest :

Guest 128: The course of the disorder, is chronic. A diagnosis, if they'll submit to one, is no guarantee that they'll get help. Comparatively little data about the disorder has been compiled, because so few have sought help. They don't seek help because they can't admit to a problem.

My PPD mother submitted to being diagnosed, because I managed to convince her that her behaviour had become "abnormal" and she was smart enough to realize I was right. But she absolutely railed against the diagnosis and was convinced the entire exercise was a conspiracy to put her on "mind-obliterating drugs and remove her from the scene". Having her diagnosed was, in hindsight, wholly regrettable, totally useless, and irreparably damaging from a "trust" standpoint.

I hope that there's someone out there whose experience with diagnosis and help, fared better than ours. But the cynic in me says that hope is mostly a waste of energy.

Aug 26, 2009 12:56 PM

Guest :

#129, your conclusion re a diagnosis for your mother's PPD certainly presents an important lesson. After years of trying to have my husband "see the light", this writer concurs - no matter what words are used, the person afflicted will NEVER give up his or her stand. Perhaps giving up is equated with death, in their mind.

However, I will never think that a solution does not exist. The thought has occurred to me that if the PPD himself were to gain the understanding, on his own, he would, ipso facto, be delivered of any need to put up the violent resistance.

I have just returned from a visit of 3 weeks in my native Norway, a trip my husband did not object to. While there, I developed a new perspective. Mainly this: "I accept the status quo. I accept that my husband will remain hopelessly chained to his convictions that people, and especially I, are out to reject him, and that he will reject them first. But I will no longer accept that I should be so rejected, and therefore, I will focus on what I have to do, which is to keep the household in good order, but limit as much as possible my time in his presence. My actions around him will be positive, cordial, neutral."

OK, there is my resolve. Some of you may wonder, but my hunch is that this will leave him without reason to blame me, and already after very few days, I see him retreating behind his barricades. Perhaps eventually he will have nobody but himself to face behind those fortifications.

Not fair, you might say, going behind his back like this. I of course do not know what will happen, or if any change will occur. I am just following a hunch. But you will definitely hear from me again, for better or for worse.

Aug 27, 2009 4:17 AM

Guest :

i am noticing to see the problem getting worse with the party concerned. Can they become violent at all. that one of my greatest fears that the party becomes violent and do something to me. How do you even begin to get out of this. For persons who have gone through it please give me some advice as to your experience.. because i think i may have to do that sooner rather than later.. thanks

Aug 27, 2009 1:11 PM

Guest :

To the latest poster worrying about an other (husband?) getting violent. It has been said over and over in this list of comments - as of now, there is no solution to the PPD problem. To him, you represent his greatest fears, and if you tell him you have had enough, or that you are leaving him, he will get violent, and, yes, he will stop at nothing. To him, it's a matter of life or death. If you fear he may get violent, you have no doubt already seen such evidence. That's why it is important for you to plan a getaway and not let him under any circumstances know. You must plan to leave and not to ever return. You must hide somewhere. He will look in every place he can imagine to find you and let you have it. If you have kids, you must bring them with you. Just go. But know that he will try for years to find you. Surely you have somebody you trust to help you in this.

Aug 28, 2009 8:10 AM

Guest :

This has been unbelievably helpful to read. My husband of 6 years has exhibited controlling and paranoid traits for the past 3, the last 6 months being particularly bad. He constantly accuses me of having an affair, has taken my cell phone, taken the home phone out of the house to stop me contacting anyone, has extreme anger if I disagree with him over anything and becomes malicious and vindictive. These "episodes" come out of the blue, he goes from 0-100 in seconds. He tells people that he can get rid of me if he wants to anytime. He has argued with all his family, always has conflict with "someone" at work, becomes obsessed with religion or conspiracy or aliens and then gets more paranoid than ever. He dislikes anyone I say I like if we meet new people (and refuses to see them), accuses me of flirting with any male that is around and has called me every name imaginable. He shouts, swears and generally rants if I have an opinion that is different to his and tells me I am stupid. He refuses to see any of my family since I left him for a week after he had an episode that lasted 3 weeks - I was actually scared for my safety. He has told me he intends to put camera's in the house so he can see who is coming here (men wise) and that when he finds out who it is I have no idea of the trouble I will be in... and I should be worried. Most of the time he appears and acts normally, people think he is very friendly and funny. I cannot leave because I have nowhere to go and I am in a foreign country. It's good to know I am not the only one suffering this.

Aug 28, 2009 8:56 PM

Guest :

To #133: Your additional information tells me your husband has a very serious case of PPD. Perhaps bordering on the psychotic. From my vantage point you seem to be in quite a tough spot. You say you are from a foreign country, but your English is quite good. If I were you, knowing what I know today, and presuming that you are telling it like it is, I would gather the most important items and vanish while he is away. I would plan to go far away. There will be someone or some institution there who will give you a hand while you get on your feet. I would start a new life somewhere. Take any kind of job. Surely you will be able to find others from your country there, unless such a group would disapprove of your leaving a husband.

Then again, if this suggestion seems quite drastic, and on second thought, too scary, it may lead you to think of ways you can live under these circumstances and adjust to ways of not upsetting him. In your heart, you'll know what you must do. I for one would be very interested in knowing what happens to you.

Aug 29, 2009 4:05 AM

Guest :

Guest 133.... your husband's behaviour is something beyond PPD and you need help. It's a mistake to think you can't leave because you have nowhere to go. Find the closest woman's shelter, a legal aid lawyer, alert the cops, and start over. I'm sorry, but I get ticked-off when a woman ties herself so tightly to a man that she feels she can't leave, even when her every move is being rigidly controlled. You fear for your safety. He won't stop the madness. It's a no-brainer that you have to.

I say again, this is beyond PPD.

Aug 30, 2009 12:27 AM

Unchained77 :

I've been involed in a relationship for almost 2 years with someone I'm nearly sure has PPD. She's been diagnosed with Shizo affective disorder, Bi - Polar with psychotic features and even A.D.D. However, I'm now completely and utterly convinced that she has been misdiagnosed and I realy believe after reading about PPD that it's Paranoid Personality Disorder. At first she seemed real needy and clingy and was very sweet however, she was also very talkative. Since then we've had a child and I'm very concerned about her. It started about a month or two into our relationhip. Endless stories of how she had been victimized and how these Mormons and Buddhists were followig her from state to state. She had a constant pre occupation with the occult and how curss had been placed on her and how they were using witchraft to suck out her brain and steal her intelligence and singing gifts. More endless Stories of mean and vindictive people who are all still working behind the scenes to work against her in ways there just wasn't any real evidence for. She had come across People who's families had people with develpmental disabilites and other problems who just could't get over slight things she had said or done that are still working behind the scenes in "the system" to keep her down and keep her poor. She also had a thing she called "spooky" eyes where when we went into public, random people were making them at her. When she would tell me that it was happening I would look and it would be someone driving by in a car just sort of looking over you know. Like how people normally look over once in a while and make eye contact. She would accuse random people on a dime. I asked her to describe it and it's like a quick wide eyed scary look. She also said that there was something about when smokers do it. That something about the smoking sealed the spell or whatever they were supposedly "casting" She also talked alot about rapid eye desensitisation therapy and how some therapist had hyptnotized her without her permission and consent. It always seemed like some aggregious injustice had been perpetrated against her. She thought everytime we went into public, like if I went to the bathroom or something, I would come back and she would say that I looked like a different person. She thought her apartment was bugged and that the T.V had some sort of signal that would send messages to her. I soon becaume the object of her suspicions. She now has my daughter in her custody and I'm..

Aug 30, 2009 12:33 AM

Unchained77 :

.....I'm very concerned about her. I soon becaume the object of her mistrust and suspicions. I was accused of being in cahoots with People from her past. I began to get death threats and suicide threats and she would rant and rave about killing people and sending them to jail. She currenlty has our dauger living with her and I need to see about at least shared custody. Aside from everything I don't think she will harm our child but she has just informed me that i cannot go pick up my things and that I will not be allowed to see our daughter since I've recently distanced myself from her.

Aug 30, 2009 4:47 AM

Guest :

Reply to Unchained 77: By your description of your girlfriend's behaviour, she has NOT been misdiagnosed. You need to be Googling Schizo Affected Disorder and Bi-Polar with Psychotic Features. There are glaring differences between what you describe, and what's written here.

"Shared" custody is not enough - you need to shoot for "Full". You're armed with several diagnoses and with any luck, you have the name of your ex-girlfriend's therapist. Your child is at risk, if not physically, then most certainly emotionally and mentally.

Aug 30, 2009 3:09 PM

Guest :

after reading the post i know that i should get away... its hard as i dont even know where to start. where i live we dont have all these things like legal aid etc. one is really left to fend for themselves. The worst thing is that i tried explaining what i believe my spouse has (PPD) in an email to a trusted friend and was saying that i need to get out. My other half somehow hacked into all my accounts and got all the conversations i have had via email and msn messenger. Now he keeps telling me that i think he has PPD and always quarrels everyday.....
i don't even know what mess im into now......

Aug 31, 2009 3:31 AM

Guest :

Guest 139: With your writing, you have painted the following picture.

You're in an underpopulated area, with no transportation, no job and therefore no money, no close friends or relatives, and your husband has discovered, and cut, your internet communication. If he hasn't already, he will discover your posts on this forum the same way he discovered your e-mails and IM messages. He is controlling your every move, and using your growing fear of him, as a means to maintain that control.

Is this an accurate picture?

Does he work away from home? Can you make a phone call? Because with the picture you've painted, I'd take my first available opportunity to call 911 and tell them you need transportation to the closest shelter.

If, on the other hand, this is NOT an accurate picture and things are not as drastic as they seem in your posts, then take the time while he's working, to plan an exit strategy. Because unless he has literally cut you off from the rest of the free world, you likely have at least a vague idea of other options and if you haven't, then think harder.

Whatever you decide to do, don't be careless again about leaving evidence where he can find it.

Aug 31, 2009 2:44 PM

Guest :

This is a question for the lady who's mother had a PPD and died recently at age 89 or so.

What was your relationship with your mother like for last 10-15 years? I am sure in order to survive, you had to distance yourself from her to some extend, how did she react to it?

Was she ever involved much in your life? Did she know your friends? How did your kids react to her and your relationship to her?

One day, before I knew about PPD, I realized what my mother's personality is like and that if I don't distance myself from her she will completely ruin my life. I stopped telling her much about my life, stopped listening to her ridicules stories. She sensed it and she understood that she lost control of me, most importantly she lost control over my relationships with other people (relatives, friends). Since then she treats me like an enemy. What she can't stand the most is that I can be friends with someone she hates (and she hates a lot of people).

I was wondering if you experienced the same and how you handled it. Thanks you.

Sep 1, 2009 5:16 AM

kenner :

Reply to Guest 141: I think I'm the one you're addressing - Mom had PPD. She died in June at 81.

About 15 years ago, I tried to distance myself by moving 60 miles north. It was far enough that Mom couldn't just "pop-in" unexpectedly anymore and had to think twice before she called. But it was also close enough that I could be there in 1.5 hours when either of them needed me.

It was a good move insofar as it loosened the tight grip that Mom's PPD had on my psyche. The primary manifestation of her PPD was my father - he was her target, and therefore her victim. She persecuted him. So I needed to be away for myself, yet there for Dad.

An offshoot of that manifestation was my father's love for me and mine for him, and her deep resentment of my relationship with Dad showed in the horrific things she said to me - things that will stay with me forever; things that no daughter should have to hear, from her mother.

Because of those things, I fought with my mother incessantly and took her every action and comment very personally, always allowing them to hurt me deeply and add to my ever-growing anger. In return, she was hurt by my combativeness.

Mom charmed my friends, and they all liked her. She was hospitable, personable, funny and caring, with my friends. Ironically, I felt proud when one of my friends would say, "I just love your Mom", which happened invariably. But always in the back of my mind was, "if you only knew what this family has endured."

My mother was categorized "genius" before she was 5 and indeed, she was a genius. Somewhere in that velvet fog of PPD by which she was enveloped and cocooned, she loved me and wanted nothing more than to be my friend. Tho' I fought her cruel words and actions directed at both me and my father, with anger and vehemence, she never fought me back. And tho' she could never apologize with words, she tried to say she was sorry, with gifts. It was the only way she knew. PPD's cannot apologize.

Mom was a complex woman, and our relationship was complex. But at the end, neither of us doubted the other's feelings. It's a very long and very sad story of waste, for me. Yet so characteristic of PPD.

Everyone's experience with PPD is as unique as are the individuals suffering its effects. But the one constant, is pain. Yours, mine, and the PPD's.

Sep 1, 2009 10:37 AM

Tami Port :

GREAT NEWS! NEW BLOG FOR FAMILY AND FRIENDS OF THOSE WITH PPD! You guys have all been wonderful, sharing your comments, questions and advice on this meager little page. Since there seems to be a need, I have created a blog called Paranoid Personality Disorder Support Group. http://paranoid-pd-support.blogspot.com/ Please bookmark this URL, share it with others who may be interested, and start leaving comments. Participate and help each other! I think that the blog is a better format than leaving comments on this page. On the blog we will be able to sort topics and find things more easily. Please send me topic or organization questions and suggestions. If you are interested in volunteering to be an author on the site, just let me know. There is a spot on the site that urges you to email me if you are interested. YIPPEE!! ENJOY THE SITE AND LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK! - Tami

blog url: http://paranoid-pd-support.blogspot.com/

Sep 2, 2009 9:10 PM

Guest :

Kenner, thank you so much for the reply. Yes, it is very individual, but there are many similarities. One thing is for sure, all mothers with PPD do not want to see their kids having good relationship with their fathers, that is just something that won't let them live in peace ...

Your mother had died a few months ago, but you are still checking this site. Why? The reason I am asking is because I don't understand why am I checking this site. I don't think I will learn anything new about PPD here, but I still check it regularly. I wonder if care givers are so affected by PPDs, they can't let it go ... Now that I understand so much about PPD, I wonder how long it will take to be able to live without thinking so much about it.

Sep 4, 2009 1:43 PM

Guest :

# 144, your musings on why you keep checking this website regularly started me thinking. I am also one to click on this page at least once every day, even though I have resigned myself several months ago to the idea that my husband will never get over his paranoid delusions.

So, why? Answers no doubt will vary. But in my case, I know what's eating on me.

For years, my husband was sure I had slept with all kinds of men of our acquaintance. It was always men who were physically attractive and whom he apparently felt had a way with women. I, on the other hand, had a need to make sure all people were valuable, and lovable. For years he checked on me. He followed me, dressed in disguise, hired detectives. He even told me about this much later. I asked him what these detectives found. "Well, they said you went to stores and read magazines." Even then he did not realize the unreality of it all. Some years into our marriage he started running around with women. Lots of them. He was so secretive about it that I didn't find out till much later. Years later. Of course, what did I expect, he was just getting even for being treated the way he had been. I am left to endure his angry outbursts and surly silence.

I could of course go on and on. Suffice it to say that now, having recognized the futility of thinking he will ever get the idea, I believe I am left with an empty kind of space. Up until recently, I lived with some kind of hope. What did I hope for? That he would say, "My God, I see now how clouded my vision was. How could I have gone on destroying a perfectly fine human being who only had my best interests in mind? How could I have gone on wasting your life as well as mine?"

OK, there it is, in print. That's exactly the battle I fought with my mother. And they put her into the ground and she never said any of those words.

And so why do I return to this space again and again? # 144, I guess I don't really know. But I'm sure I'll know it when I see it.

Sep 8, 2009 1:32 AM

Guest :

Hi, I suspect my father has PPD. He was diagnosed with Schizophrenia and has had the illness from a very early age but as of recent, I'm beginning to see his state in another light. My mother and him have been married for over 20 years and my mother is suffering with my father's constant accusations about her fidelity. They are unfounded and sometimes I evern feel that he is hallucinating, seeing things that are not real and hearing things that are not being said. Is this possible? I want a way out for my mom. I know I can't ask her to leave her husband but I fear for her safety as he gets violent and beats her often too. I'm thinking of getting psychiatric help for my dad and some counselling as well. Do these help for people with PPD? Would it be better if my mom were away from my dad?

Sep 9, 2009 2:49 PM

Guest :

Thank God for this site. Others here: you are not alone in your struggle! I know this is a difficult thing to battle; nobody believes us that it's really that bad, that irrational.
My 58 year old mother has had PPD for as long as I can remember. I traveled across the country to visit her last Christmas and after a week came home to find my belongings in boxes outside the house, with a hateful letter stating that I had been stabbing her in the back all over town and using her house like a hotel to visit my friends (I went for dinner with some friends and was out of the house for about 4 hours; I also never shared these problems with anyone). Apparently I "abandoned" her and "neglected" her for 15 years; I was 20 years old and moved out because I was well, grown up... After writing me out of her will, there was nothing left for her to hurt me with, so she started threatening to take my children away via child services because I'm "such an abusive, arrogant bastard". This has been going on since I was 14, being accused of no loyalty, planning to use her, etc. However, this time was so violent, I am just flabbergasted.
I am happy, have a good job, happy life, and at least think I'm well liked. I treat her like gold, only positive things. I don't even remotely deserve this.
It must be awful for her to think such negative, crazy things though! We talk about our pains, but it must be a living hell for PPD sufferers thinking everyone hates them. I want to get her help. The family tried to have her committed before, so now any mention of mental illness draws attacks back. Of course she won't listen.
She has no friends, has alienated all her siblings, but she still has a good job, is educated, and can function (put on a good show) when needed. So nobody believes me really when I try to explain what is going on and I someone end up looking like that bad guy to anyone who doesn't know me, like her coworkers or boss. I want to help her because she did raise me, but it seems impossible.
Anyway, that's my story. I feel relieved at least that I've found this site and can finally put my finger on what is wrong with her. March on...

Sep 11, 2009 9:33 PM

Guest :

My husband loves strangers. He can meet someone and two weeks later he believes he knows them well, they are the coolest person in the world, and he trusts them emphatically. It's so bizarre. He will defend any stranger or recently acquainted person against me. If I say to my husband, "You don't even know this person", he calls me "negative" or "stuck up". It is so pronounced in him - it has to be a Personality Disorder, but I just don't know what type. Also, if someone he barely knows does something REALLY BAD and unforgivable to him....he will either forget it completely, or make excuses for the person's actions. It is hard for him to trust those close to him and he is constantly suspicious of those close, and he cuts them no slack! I think he could have "Histionic Personality disorder", but I'm not sure. Can someone help? PLEASE HELP - TELL ME WHAT THIS IS?????

Sep 12, 2009 7:07 PM

Guest :

To #148:

Your husband does not sound like he is histrionic. If he has PPD, he may come from a different angle than most do who are discussed on this website. You may need to give more details for anyone to come up with a plausible answer to your question.

You mention that he is very suspicious of those close and "cuts them no slack". That certainly fits in with the PPD idea. Now, for the way he instantly accepts a new acquaintance, as if he or she is totally A-OK - does that mean that this new person, in his words, is not like you? "You (and the others who know me well), who are so negative and so unaccepting of me?" "See, here is a person without fault, and see how well I treat such a person! Now, when are YOU going to see me for the real me?"

I am a bit confused here. Not sure where your husband fits in. But I do feel that since you are the one looking for answes, you are the one genuinely perplexed. A PPD or a narcissist never wonder about anything.

Sep 13, 2009 10:12 PM

Guest :

I believe my wife has PPD or the Persecutory Delusional disorder. We have a 1 year old son. My wife constanly has a fear that someone will give our son, something to eat or some one will try to harm him some way or the other. She has developed a feeling that people are jealous of her because she has a cute son. She does'nt allow anyone to touch him OR cannot leave his milk bottle unattended. If left unattended, she throws off the milk in the bottle and at times, she has even disposed off the Milk formula container. She has believed in past that our son was sick because of some evil wishes of some people. She has kept distance with those people and excluded them from our lives. This affects our social contacs. She also suspects that I do not clean my hands properly before feeding him and is too sensitive about it. We have had meaningless arguments and fights over this issue. As I hate to wash my hands twice.
What sort of treatment can I think of. She accepts that she gets disturbed due to this and does not have a good night sleep. Any suggestions from you for her treatment if she is willing to submit herself for any treatment

Sep 15, 2009 3:55 PM

Guest :

#150:
Your wife has a problem that is going to be hard to solve. However, that does not mean that a solution is not possible, just not plausible. For the time being, the one helpful thing you might try could be to just listen and ask further questions in order not to cause any more upsets. Try to find what traumatic happenings or situations she may have experienced while growing up, with possible connections to her fears today.

I have found this page a godsend and have made several postings here. We should perhaps have started giving ourselves pen names, but something could surely be said for the idea of being totally anonymous. Anyway, I am the one, Norway-born and raised, with a PPD husband of many years, whom I reluctantly decided I must give up on, although secretly feeling that some solution MUST eventually be uncovered.

Perhaps my retreat had some effect! An amazing development happened a few days ago. He said: "Well, if you think I am paranoid, then I would want to know for sure. I am making an appointment with (our psychologist) and I will discuss the matter with him. If it is so that I am paranoid, I wouldn't want to go through the rest of my life in ignorance".

I was very careful to make no big comments, just positive nods, more or less.

His appointment is in a few days.

You veterans of this unfathomable struggle, with parents, spouses, siblings, what do you think? Another wild goose to chase?

I'll write again, of course.

Sep 23, 2009 4:11 PM

Guest :

These comments are both sad and enlightening. I have no doubt my husband has a personality disorder, and he mostly fits PPD, although he has never seemed jealous or worried about me. If anything, he is rather detached in that regard. But he is extremely angry and everyone - including me - is always "out to get him." He has managed to thoroughly isolate himself and is now living alone - at the age of 66 and after 22 years of marriage - in another state away from me and our children because I finally tossed him out. (And I am in the long and tedious process of filing for divorce, despite the very serious financial difficulties.) But I still find it very sad and tragic, and I am still rather brainwashed that it was all my fault - despite the fact that I have the support of everyone, including our children. But the years of wasted time and happiness also make me very angry, and I caution those who have lived with an abusive PPD to realize that their time is valuable and that their constant support will likely be unappreciated and forgotten. And it is possible that you might pick up and imitate some of their negative traits. Overall, it is a very "toxic" relationship. I am not sure if there is ever a happy ending, as it is very hurtful to realize that the person you truly love and care about has so little regard for your feelings. Since it is a personality disorder - it is probably wishful thinking to hope for love, care, compassion, etc... from this person. They would not have a personality disorder if they were capable (or caring enough) to have any insight or remorse about their behavior. So for what it's worth, here is my advice: Listen to your rational self. Realize that anger towards you does not always mean you have actually done something wrong. It is hard not to think you are to blame when someone is screaming at you red-faced (or trying to taunt and provoke you). But step back and think is this how a decent, rational person behaves? Do not believe that this person's behavior is "clever." It is just obnoxious, immature, and controlling, but it requires no great intellect. I would love to stay married, and there is nothing I wish for more than for my husband to "see the light." But it hasn't happened after 20+ years - and my children did not particularly appreciate that I stayed with their father for so long. So do not judge anyone who finally turns their back on such a person.

Sep 23, 2009 5:52 PM

Guest :

HELP! I HAVE READ ALL THE COMMENTS @ TRULY FEEL BLESSED FOR HAVING FOUND THIS SITE . THANK YOU ALL FOR SHARING. I HAVE ONE VERY PRESSING QUESTION FOR WHICH I HAVE YET TO FIND ANY INFORMATION. IF ANYONE COULD HELP I WOULD BE MOST GRATEFULL. THANKS IN ADVANCE. HOW OFTEN IF EVER DOES THE SPOUSE SUFFERING FROM PPS ACT ON THEIR THREAT AND ACTUALLY GET DIVORCED.

Sep 24, 2009 1:08 PM

Guest :

A follow-up from 151:

Yes, my husband talked with the psychologist yesterday. He told me this morning. And that the psychologist suggests that we both come in together. He wants "to hear the other side of the story." (!)

Now for several decades we have been telling "our" story to a series of counselors. I do believe that this time could be different. The reason I say this is that I have certainly progressed to a stage where I will no longer accept being dismissed as the one who is wrong, wrong, wrong. On the other hand, my husband, having retreated into his unyieldingly rightist fortress, has for several years dived into sports of all kinds, both as participant and spectator. Although I remain on his "suspect list". he seems to have made many friendships, and also has become more confident and at ease with others.

Now I have re-read the PPD particulars at the beginning of this page, and other pages and books, outlining the dire outlook for any progress, and the difficulties presented to the counselor who must navigate the ultra-thin line between the patient's fears and his running out the door.

You can imagine my apprehension. The psychologist knows "my side", but the key is I believe how I do say "my side". This feels like the last chance! A little voice in the background also tells me that with our long history of therapy, his long experience as a lawyer, his good facility with words, he could go on to write to help others. Heavens know there is about not a whit of anything written by someone who has actually suffered this illness. A person who was so afflicted may know the right words to describe how to find a way out. But I digress.

I do have a question. Is there anyone out there who has any suggestions for what I could say, or how I could or should say it, when we do meet. I feel I know what not to say.

I will be more than thankful for some good advice.

Sep 28, 2009 1:00 PM

Guest :

From # 154:

Not much news, except for one small thing. My husband told me he had made another appmnt next week with the psychologist, who had mentioned he would like to see both of us as he had seen "some movement".

I suppose that could mean lots of things and I'll be finding out. As all of us on this page know so well, we have thrown up our hands and concluded that this paranoid condition has no end and no answer. Even if it did, what would our lives be like after, especially for the ones of us who have spent years, decades, with this state of affairs? And what if the PPD came to actually realize that an equal length of time had been spent under the cloud of an illusion? There surely would be a powerful reaction - perhaps deep depression, deep regret, anger, resentment.

I can't recall seeing any accounts of anyone "seeing the light". There was that movie "The Beautiful Mind" with Russell Crowe. The story of the Nobel Prize winner who supposedly conquered his even more complicated paranoid schizophrenia - was that perhaps just a story fashioned with a happy ending? I searched and found interviews with John F. Nash that I didn't find entirely convincing.

Sep 30, 2009 10:31 PM

Guest :

For the Guest who commented on my girlfriends diagnoses of Schizo - Affective disorder. I respectfully disagree. She doesn't have the disorganized speech and impared functioning of Schizo - affective dissorder. Her paranoia ia a constant part of her personality. If it was schizo - affective or Bi - Polar with pschotic features it would vary in degree from time to time. She also doesn't have the poor hygeine and eccentricity of Scizo - Affective. She's very high functioning. The descriptions of PPD are so on the money compared to any other diagnoses. I've already read about the other diognose in a book called Abnormal Psychology and the DSM IV. Thanks for your response though and I am seeking custody now.

Oct 1, 2009 12:54 PM

Guest :

As caregivers, we suffer tremendously from PPDs. Since PPDs act and function normally most of the time, it is hard for us to imagine and believe that we are dealing with a sick person. It is almost impossible to tell where it is their free will and where it is their sickness that make them do what they do, impossible to separate their character from the sickness.

Because of all that, we don't really act natural and normal around them. I know for a fact, I am always in a protective mode around the PPD, I don't say things I normally do, I am not as warm and free as I am with other people, because I know I will have to pay dearly if I don't protect myself.

Recently I realized how much PPDs suffer themselves from that behavior. I an not saying I should or I can change, I am just saying their suffering is real too.

Has anyone thought about this? How do you deal with it? If they have their way then our lives are unbearable, if they don't then we have to deal with this constant sadness in their eyes.

This may not be the case when PPDs are young because they do find new targets, but when they are older and they face some limitations, this is certainly the case.

Anyone can share their experience?

Oct 1, 2009 9:42 PM

Guest :

From 154/155:

# 156, it seems clear to me that the one who writes in this space, and who researches questions, is the "normal one". You have my sympathy, and from my experience, coupled with whatever knowledge gathered over many years, your girlfriend may be forever beyond help. I certainly would worry about her reaction to your seeking custody and hope you have figured out a non-threatening way to approach this. For the ultimate challenge, the irrationality of their fears will drive them over the edge. Keep writing - we'll be standing by-

# 157, I think that some of us may last long enough to spend years, maybe even decades, trying to comprehend how someone who appears entirely normal in even most respects can be so totally stuck in an irrational mindset in an other respect. #156 seems to have figured this out, or is in the process. In the end we finally realize that the troubled person has had his brain so affected by a fearful situation at a critical stage of life that he continues to live in that reality. He (or she, of course) should have our compassion, if it were not for one thing:

WE have suffered, too! And before we can let go, I believe there is a need to have that fact understood. By the perpetrator! We feel we must be made whole. Do you agree that that is the way to explain it? A thought crops up that we may ultimately have to look to ourselves to make us whole.

In any case, I am waiting to have an appointment with our psychologist on Oct 6 to see what this "movement" is that he sees.

Oct 6, 2009 7:14 PM

Guest :

Follow-up note from #158 - Today my husband and I met with our psychologist. And yes, there is definitely a beginning of a recognition on my husband's part that he has been paranoid. He has definitely started grappling with the idea of having had a distorted reality. But at this point that reality is still in force - he lapsed into his old angry and resentful mode a couple of times. I decided to concentrate my utterances on myself and how I have been in the process of recovering from my resentful, and yes, paranoid mother. From the psychologist I got the idea that now, at this point, I must not reject how my husband feels, even his anger. Otherwise, he will go back into his shell again.

I did have an unanticipated reaction to this therapy hour. Seeing my husband actually at the dawn of a new reality, I suddenly felt very sad for him. I did not like to think that the whole process of realizing that one has spent so many decades under a cruel illusion, caused by unfortunate obstacles and thoughtless parents, may not bring joy for him, but despair, perhaps, and anger and resentment of a different kind. I feel I must retreat for a while to put all this into some perspective.

C U.

Oct 14, 2009 9:24 PM

Guest :

Note to fellow "travellers" in the vast anonymous-land, from #159. Today, another appointment with the psychologist, who seemed unusually enlivened to see us. It is now absolutely clear to me that the paranoid condition is unravelling. But I also sense that it is not going to be done overnight. But who knows. I certainly have not found any accounts of this actually having been done. Oh, years ago, Freud wrote something, but has anyone any knowledge of a paranoid becoming aware that his reality is not reality at all?

In today's session I tried to not say anything that might cause some kind of clam-up. The psychologist seemed frustrated that I wouldn't say what I really felt, and I kept asking him to more precisely define what he meant and so on. To make a longer story shorter, I must have come across as a total left-brainer, refusing to commit to anything. After we left, my husband invited for a cup of coffee, and then he told me: "When I saw you there 'stonewalling' (!), I suddenly realized that that's the way I used to be (for such and such many years)."

I write this because I felt it was an important step forward. I tried not to come across as an I-told-you-so person. My general reaction to today's session, not that I am not grateful for present accomplishment: he now seems to be getting in touch with how HE feels, but what is still left is the empathy with others part. That may be difficult, because actually realizing how you have seen an other person, and devalued that person, for a long time, may be a very uncomfortable discovery. I am aware of that.

For myself, the important concept that I learned today was that I myself had produced a mirror to be held up, without knowing it. Gives me some food for thought on how I could manage that again. And a new idea - what if "THEY" cannot change until "WE" change? I'll be contemplating all this until next week's appmnt.

Oct 15, 2009 3:56 AM

Guest :

I was diagnosed with Psychotic PPD a few years ago, and although I feel I have made an excellent recovery now it pains me to see some of the comments on this page. Not because I feel sorry for those suffering from PPD more for the obvious pain caused, and that is how I myself must have behaved and treated my loved ones. Unfortunatly my I only found treatment after my relationship broke down and I was left unable to eat or sleep, with constant recurring thoughts of my ex with other men... However due to this I finally got the help I needed and am able to live a semi-normal life. So to those out there with a loved one suffering from PPD prehaps its best to leave them, as the pain they feel will make them seek out help, and then the real healing can begin. Just my 2 cents.

Oct 17, 2009 3:55 PM

Guest :

#160, replying to #161:

Your words made my eyes pop out of my skull. A revolution (as in revolving) hit my brain. Your 2 cents could be worth a million times more to very many people. It's like, can this person be for real!

After having read your surprise letter, I went on to reflect on your situation, and noted that your saying you are living "a fairly normal life", but still pained by thoughts of having caused pain. To me, an amateur researcher on the paranoia enigma, you seem to have attained that which was pushed way back behind overarching suspicions - empathy. I for one am grateful for your putting all this into words. I want very much to quote you a passage from a book (now out of print), "Neurosis and Treatment" by Dr. Andras Angyal (he gives the word 'guilt' some additional and specific interpreations that I leave out):

"To take responsibility means to acknowledge, simply and frankly, the part one has played, and still is playing, in all one's actions and in one's self-destructive mode of living. By admitting this to ANOTHER (my emphasis), the patient discards his false front and moves beyond the confines of anxious secrecy. This is a momentous step forward; he could not have taken it without some confidence that he can live differently in the future. The therapist must step back and simply accept the patient's acknowledgement of responsibility. Both interpretation and reassurance are now out of place. When the patient has taken this step, he is ready to deal with his guilt. There is only one way of dealing with guilt - to regret it. This means sorrow for the harm that was done and the constructive actions left undone: for the chances that were never taken, for the adventures missed and perhaps no longer possible, for having shortchanged those who loved or needed one and tried in vain to come close and to be helpful. Beyond the regrets it means turning one's back on the neurotic pattern, with a strong desire to live in a different way. When the patient begins to react to the destructiveness of his conduct with strong feelings of regret, the neurotic structure starts to give."

I am sure you wouldn't know it, but your comments made me take a look at a person I have seriously shortchanged, and that was myself. I have stalled, and excused, and waited, and thought I was here to help, for way, way too long. You have given me the go-ahead to say, enough!, I put my foot down. Let (also) my healing begin.

Oct 19, 2009 4:20 AM

Guest :

The article spells my wife exactly! I love her very much, but her mother experienced a suicide of her own mother at 16 (my wifes grandmother) and so I feel she was unable to love her daughter 'properly' - leading to psychological issues in my wife.
We have children together and a further child from a previous relationship. I really try to keep things together and stable for the childrens sake, but things get really awful at times.
I feel my wife was groomed for control as a child rather than loved and Ive seen my step daughter groomed and my biological children disregarded by their grandmother. Im sadened by this, but its out of my hands.
My step daughter is now 16 and is now telling me how her grandmother has been really horrible (especially about me) and has attempted to split the family.
The grandmother recently told me that my stepdaughter had said I had ruined her life, but it transpired that it was in fact the grandmother who had said this. I feel she was trying to create distrust between us (especially as she is aware of her teenager ways).
I have explained to her that she should avoid her - as she's messing with her mind (already hormonal & adding to it).
My problem is that I want all of the children to grow up sounded and grounded - I get really worn down sometimes with it all - as the paranoia and messed up thinking of my wife and her mother really rubs off!
I feel I am upsetting my step daughter by giving her (what I think is) good advice, but its her biological grandmother and there appears to be a need eventhough I feel its going to be a distructive one for her. I dont want to repeat a pattern here, by trying to steer her away from her gran, but am I creating the same environment my wife had -'grooming her' to see things like I do. Im worried cause she is at an impressionable age.
Im very sad about this because I have tried, Ive tried to be the best, husband, step dad & dad I can.

Im not too bothered about how horried my in-law is being about me, I am bothered about how horried my wife is about me, but there you go - as the saying goes 'I made my bed....' I'll hang on for the sake of the children.

If anyone really understands where Im at please comment and if you add anything from experience or professional understanding it would really help - cause my world gets so paranoid and things get to become an issue that overtakes my life - I dont want to end up with a break down.

Oct 22, 2009 2:11 PM

Guest :

I just came across this site due to my curiosity of this diorder. I just started dating a man that I met at church. We met 2 months ago, but the way this relationship has been going, it feels more like 2, if not 10 yrs. we've been together. It just came to light that this "wonderful" man is suffering from PPD from his behavior towards me. I just couldnt understand where alot of his comments were coming from. He too is very jealous, and if I dare made eye contact with anyone while shopping, he would explode, as he did at the grorcery store. He does hold grudges, and NEVER forgets anything. He makes comments on my attire, my friends, co-workers, etc. My therapist asked me if he had a history of violence, and to hear his stories, he does. I was told to leave this man because it would get physical, and it did, last weekend in the street where I live. The sad thing is, when things are good, theyre good. I've now begun to question his "love" towards me. He tells me daily, via phone conversation, txt and in person. I used to believe what he told me. Now I question everything. I read a comment/question from another poster, do they lie alot? to they cheat? I'm not sure how much more I'm willing to put up with this kind of behavior...I've ahd to fight back the tears while reading some of the postings, its all to close to home.

Oct 23, 2009 4:24 PM

Guest :

Thank you to the guest who wrote this:
"What did I hope for? That he would say, 'My God, I see now how clouded my vision was. How could I have gone on destroying a perfectly fine human being who only had my best interests in mind? How could I have gone on wasting your life as well as mine?' And they put [him] into the ground and [he] never said any of those words."
I think this is the cold, hard truth with PPD or any personality disorder.
My good friend said my husband (I wrote about him earlier - I left him after 20+ years) reminded her so much of her paranoid grandfather ... who alienated his family with his behavior ... and who she left ... and who never said he was sorry.
Well, my husband's been in another state for almost a year. Still no insight or apology.
It's the cold, hard truth of personality disorder.

Oct 26, 2009 9:46 PM

Guest :

Re post #135 - in response to my previous post 133. My husband has exibited further outrageous behaviour which reinforces my belief in his having PPD. I am not in a position to leave at the present time due to circumstances I am reluctant to identify here. Please do not judge me by my inability to leave my current situation - you are not in my shoes. Believe me, if I was able to up and leave I would! When my situation changes (hopefully within the next 6 months) I will endevour to find alternative accommodation - however, from information I have obtained I have no doubts that I will be persued by him and so when I do go it will have to be very carefully done and in secrecy - not an easy thing to do.
In response to post #134 - English is my 1st language. At the moment I am trying not to antagonise him in any way, because it makes his behaviour worse. He has threatened violence when in a rage and I keep very quiet and leave the area until he has calmed down. I am trying to find ways of living with it for the time being as best I can. His paranoia extends to believing he is being attacked by the devil for his beliefs, only after praying for assistance does he come out of these episodes and goes back to being "normal".
It is very sad - I know he is suffering when in the midst of his derangement and hates how he is behaving, but he cannot seem to stop himself. I do not make excuses for his behaviour, but try to understand them as best I can. He doesn't realise that he has a problem but he did say he thought he must have a mental problem as his thought processes were not normal. How true!
Thank you for your kind thoughts.
"Down but not out"

Oct 26, 2009 10:10 PM

Guest :

If a person has PPD, how is it possible to be with someone? It that person can not trust anyone.

Oct 28, 2009 4:53 PM

Guest :

You would not have this question if you ever had to deal with a person with PPD ...

Oct 30, 2009 7:56 PM

Guest :

In case #167 has not had to deal with a PPD person, but would actually like to know the answer to his/her question, it may be an interesting exercise to try to fashion an answer. It's an interesting question, so naturally I wonder why you asked!

If a child grows up with serious challenges to his identity, he will adopt ways to deal with a threatening world in order to survive. He will carry with him his distorted maladaptations into adult life and never ever let go of them. Other people are out to get him. He will not only be suspicious, but be constantly ready to fight back, attack, withdraw - before anyone has said a word. Control is his byword. Therefore he seeks out people he can control. People who may have grown up thinking they had no power, and deferred to others and thought others' needs came before their own. And it may take years (even decades) before they know they've been hit.

Nov 1, 2009 3:58 PM

Guest :

IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A MARRIED COUPLE BOTH TO HAVE PARANOID PERSONALTY DISORDER? OUR DAUGHTER AND SON-IN-LAW DISPLAY THE MAJORITY OF THE SYMPTONS. THE PROBLEM IS, THEY CONSTANTLY FIND REASONS TO BE MAD AT US. AS AN EXAMPLE: WE LIVE 3 HOURS AWAY DRIVING ON A "HAIRY" FREEWAY. THEY WILL WANT US TO DRIVE UP TO SEE THE GRANDS (2) PARTICIPATE IN ONE OF THEIR ACTIVITIES. THE PROBLEM IS NOT JUST THE 6 HOUR ROUND TRIP, BUT WE HAVE 4 MORE GRANDS AND TO DO THAT RUN FOR ONE, WE WOULD HAVE TO DO IT FOR ALL. ALSO, GRAMPA IS 84 AND THE DRIVE IS MORE STRESSFUL THAN IN OUR YOUNGER DAYS. ALL OF OUR CHILDREN (3) AND THEIR FAMILIES VISIT US ON HOLIDAYS AND AT LEAST 3 TIMES SEPARATELY. THEY ARE ALL TREATED ROYALLY AND ENJOY THE HOME COOKING. THE GRANDS GET SPECIAL TREATMENT.
WE WILL SOMETIMES GO INTO THEIR AREA (THEY LIVE FAIRLY CLOSE TO ONE ANOTHER) 2 TIMES A YEAR AND FOR A MONTH IN THE SUMMER. IN ALL OCCASSIONS WE GET TOGETHER WITH ALL. WHEN ONE OF THE BOYS/FAMILY ARE GOING TO VISIT THEY ALWAYS ASK IF THE OTHERS ARE COMING, TOO. THEY GOT MAD A ONE SON BECAUSE HE ONLY HAD ONE PICTURE DISPLAYED IN THEIR HOME. THERE ARE DOZENS OF EXAMPLES OF THEIR PARANOIA, BUT, THE BOTTOM LINE IS THEY WON'T LET THEIR DAUGHTERS (9 & 11) BE ALONE WITH US OVERNIGHT. THEY DON'T TRUST US FOR SOME REASON AND ONCE THE HUSBAND EXPLAINE "YOU DON'T DISCIPLINE THEM THE WAY WE DO". THE GIRLS ARE VERY SHY WHEN THE PARENTS ARE AROUND, BUT, VERY LOVING AND OUTGOING WITH US WHEN ALONE. THE MOTHER ACTUALLY OPENS THEIR MAIL FROM US WHEN THE GIRLS ARE NOT HOME - (CARDS OR SOMETHING THEY HAD LEFT AT OUR HOUSE). THEY WON'T JOIN US FOR CHRISTMAS, BUT, SOMETIMES AT THANKSGIVING...THIS YEAR IT IS BETWEEN US AND DISNEYLAND...WE HAVEN'T BEEN TOLD YET. SHOULD ADD THEY ARE BORN AGAIN CHRISTIANS...WE ARE GOD LOVING MORAL PEOPLE, BUT NOT BORN AGAINS. WE WALK ON EGGSHELLS AS WE DO NOT WANT TO BE CUT OFF FROM SEEING THE GIRLS. WHENEVER I SEE IT IS OUR DAUGHTER CALLING I GET STRESSFUL AND WONDER WHAT SHE WILL SAY THIS TIME. MAYBE SOMEONE WHO READS THESE COMMENTS CAN OFFER SOME INSIGHT OR ADVICE. THANK YOU.

Nov 3, 2009 4:00 AM

Guest :

Hi there, I was hoping to gain a little clarity. Please help!!!
My spouse of 2 years has always behaved in an "odd" way. I finally turned to the internet and looked up personality disorders and PPD seems to most closly resemble what his behaviour towards me has been like. He is distant, doesn't make eye contact when I speak to him, is obsessed with me cheating on him (and I must stress very strongly here that I have never cheated or given him any reason to suspect me) I found out I was pregnant recently and he demands that I do a paternity test when the baby is born because he can't believe that he is the father. This is seriously offensive and hurtful!!!
He is angry, he has temper tantrums, throws things, breaks things (including his hand one night when he punched the wall). He has never hit me though.
He attacks me with completly unfounded accusations on my character, I have been called every degrading name in the book at one time or another because I stand up to him and challenge what he says. He gets mad when I rationalise his words and prove him wrong....he can't accept any explaination but his own.
He is unable to empatise, he seems to enjoy the idea of people suffering, he likes the ides of getting his own back on people, but he is just all talk.
He is obssesed with conspiracy, he thinks he has been the target of ridculous conspiracys to get his house, his belongings. There has never any proof, and some of the stuff he says is completly off the reservation.
He gets a sadistic pleasure when people let him down because when they do, it just reinforces his original suspicions and makes him feel justified in his behaviour. He seems to think he is smarter than most poeple and is better at figuring them out. Everyone has an angle in his mind.
I could go on and on but this is a sample of what I put up with. Is this PPD? Can there be any chance of saving this relationship? Ideally it would be nice if this baby could have two parents, but if not I want to know now so I can get out and save my sanity and baby....
Please help....I need good advice....there is no chance of him going to therapy, he thinks I'm the "crazy" one....

Paranoid Personality Disorder PPD

Overview of Diagnosis, Prevalence and Treatment of Clinical Paranoia

What is Paranoid Personality Disorder?

Diagnosis of PPD

Prevalence of Paranoid Personality

Cause of PPD

Course of Paranoid Disorder

Treatment of Paranoid Personality Disorder

Information on Personality Disorders

Additional PPD Sources