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The main dynamic in the Borderline Personality Disorder is abandonment anxiety.
The fact that the Borderline personality disorder is often found among women makes it a controversial mental health diagnosis. Some scholars say that it is a culture-bound pseudo-syndrome invented by men to serve a patriarchal and misogynistic society. Others point to the fact the lives of patients diagnosed with the disorder are chaotic and that the relationships they form are stormy, short-lived, and unstable. Moreover, not unlike compensatory narcissists, people with the Borderline Personality Disorder often display labile (wildly fluctuating) sense of self-worth, self-image and affect (expressed emotions).
Like both narcissists and psychopaths, borderlines are impulsive and reckless. Like histrionics, their sexual conduct is promiscuous, driven, and unsafe. Many borderlines binge eat, gamble, drive, and shop carelessly, and are substance abusers. Lack of impulse control is joined with self-destructive and self-defeating behaviors, such as suicidal ideation, suicide attempts, gestures, or threats, and self-mutilation or self-injury.
The main dynamic in the Borderline Personality Disorder is abandonment anxiety. Like codependents, borderlines attempt to preempt or prevent abandonment (both real and imagined) by their nearest and dearest. They cling frantically and counterproductively to their partners, mates, spouses, friends, children, or even neighbors. This fierce attachment is coupled with idealization and then swift and merciless devaluation of the borderline's target.
Exactly like the narcissist, the borderline patient elicits constant narcissistic supply (attention, affirmation, adulation, approval) to regulate her gyrating sense of self-worth and her chaotic self-image, to shore up serious, marked, persistent, and ubiquitous deficits in self-esteem and Ego functions, and to counter the gnawing emptiness at her core.
The Borderline Personality Disorder is often co-diagnosed (is comorbid) with mood and affect disorders. But all borderlines suffer from mood reactivity.
From an entry I wrote for the Open Site Encyclopedia:
"(Borderlines) shift dizzyingly between dysphoria (sadness or depression) and euphoria, manic self-confidence and paralyzing anxiety, irritability and indifference. This is reminiscent of the mood swings of Bipolar Disorder patients. But Borderlines are much angrier and more violent. They usually get into physical fights, throw temper tantrums, and have frightening rage attacks.
When stressed, many Borderlines become psychotic, though only briefly (psychotic micro-episodes), or develop transient paranoid ideation and ideas of reference (the erroneous conviction that one is the focus of derision and malicious gossip). Dissociative symptoms are not uncommon ("losing" stretches of time, or objects, and forgetting events or facts with emotional content)."
Hence the term "borderline" (first coined by Otto F. Kernberg). The Borderline Personality Disorder is on the thin (border) line separating neurosis from psychosis.
In-depth information about various personality disorders here:
http://open-site.org/Health/Conditions_and_Diseases/Psychiatric_Disorders/Personality/
http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faqpd.html
The copyright of the article Borderline Personality in Personality Disorders is owned by Sam Vaknin. Permission to republish Borderline Personality in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
Comments
May 22, 2006 2:59 AM
christie girouard :
Hello,
I am new to this site. I have been devouring information about
Personality Disorders over the past 4 months. I am now able to recognize
the "Narcissitic" behavior of my XNH. This has helped me in ways
that I can not express. It will never be OK, but at least it makes some
kind of sense to me. I no longer flatter myself into thinking that his
"revenge" has anything to do with me. It really is all about
him.
While I am actually learning empathy for my X, I am
recovering from the knowledge that my 21 year old daughter is a high
functioning Borderline. My family has been to hell and back over the past
5 years. My daughter has been accusing me of "abandoning" her
since she turned 16. Her emotions became her reality making her
perceptions of shared events outrageous. I am accused of saying and doing
things that I never said or did. It is life on a knife's edge. I once
told my daughter, "I feel like I have handed you a loaded gun, turn
out all the lights, and let you shoot at me in the dark."
It was to the point that we all thought we were crazy. The manipulation
and mind games became so great that I finally did ask her to leave. I
abandoned her creating the self fulfilled prophecy. I sent her to live
with her dad....the narcissist. Now, with the 2 of them having joined
forces...the sickness and dysfunction is off the map.
I am in
counseling, grieving the loss of the daughter I thought I had. My dreams
and hopes for the future are new and different. Not necessarily bad...just
realistic. Because narcissism and borderlines act like
"teenagers", I had hoped it was a phase.
The sad
thing is my daughter is majoring in psychology. She will be a senior in
college, and we have had little to no contact in the past 2 years. She
always comes back to, "Well, you threw me out." Her dad is right
there to fan that flame.
I share my story as a mom dealing
with personality disorder. I life that I can not divorce myself from. A
journey that will remain ongoing.
Sincerely,
Christabel
May 22, 2006 3:52 PM
ghulkman :
Christabel ..... Very sorry for what you are
going thru ....
Please go to the following discussion site
on BPD here @ Suite
101.com
http://www.suite101.com/discussion.cfm/borderline_personality/89385
This is a very good discussion on High_Functioning BPD's .....
Please join the conversation.
Jul 26, 2006 8:25 PM
joe mason :
After a phone call from an unknown number from my ex talking about marriage
and getting my number changed, and ignoring e-mails from my Ex Girlfriend
the borderline for months, I finally responded, taking the advice of an
associate.
The e-mail from her expressed what she usally says to
me, that she has such a love/hate relationship for me and that she wants me
in her life but she doesn't know exactly what she wants. The e-mail was
pages long, an update of her life, as if I care and contained numerous
contradictions. I replied, simply saying leave me alone, I don't want to be
your friend. In response, I got hate mail and threats. These e-mails were
the meanest and most cruel e-mails possible knocking everything about my
personal to family life. Here we go again, one minute she loves me, and
then she hates me.
She even claimed that she would ruin my
senior year of college by spreading rumors about me and exposing my
personal life. All because I told her to leave me alone lol. WOW. This is
not high school, she is so childish acting like a teen. Another symptom of
borderline personality. There is no reasoning with this maniac whatsoever.
Soon, as usual, she will probably send me some e-mails claiming how much
she loves me and that she's sorry.I should have taken Ghulkman's advice a
while ago and got the restraining order. Now, I finally am :).
Jul 27, 2006 4:44 AM
L. P. :
Now that you have made it clear that you want her to leave you alone, you
also need to make sure you do not respond to her again. It is a scary thing
to have a stalker but every time you make contact with them, either
positive or negative, it gives them hope. It is best to ignore them after
stating that you will not be contacting them again and then stick to it.
Jul 27, 2006 6:18 AM
ghulkman :
Good Morning "CPA" ....
Sorry your situation has
"Escalated" to this
"Low" point ..... but PLEASE
(for legal reasons)
get the RETRAINING ORDER & "Cut-off"
ALL & ANY
contact with her.
She more than likely is "Low
Functioning BPD" ...
but possibly has other MENTAL DISORDERS
(comorbid)
as well.
She is a "Psycho-Wacko" who you
NEED to steer
VERY CLEAR of & stay TOTALLY away from.
Please
GET IT DONE TODAY .... especially the
RESTRAING ORDER .... which will
give you a LEGAL
LEG to stand on !!!!!
Good Luck & keep us
posted.....
"Hulk"
Jul 28, 2006 3:11 PM
x :
Hi everyone..
I'd like to thank everyone for posting their
thoughts, especially the abuse victims of these disorders. It is incredibly
helpful to read your stories. I am posting not as a victim of abuse, but as
an abuser. I fit the criteria for BPD and/or NPD. I have only recently been
able to see/admit this behaviour and the negative impact it has had. I want
to change, but I am having tremendous difficulty. The habitual ways of
thinking/reacting are so strong, I am unable to seperate the "good
person" from those negative patterns. I have become quite suicidal as
a result.
I spent a year in India studying and practicing
Buddhist meditation and getting very deep into spirtual ideas and lifestyle
trying to heal and find a cure for the anger, self-absorption and bitter
blame that normally consumes my thinking. It worked for a while. I felt
happy and at peace with myself and the world around me. I was optomistic
and "high on life".
Upon returning suddenly to
Western life, I crashed right back into my old lifestyle. In the 8 months
since, I've collasped under massive depression. I've been unable to
maintain the peace. Worse, I have become cynical of the
"stupidity" of religious ideas again, turning against what gave
me strength before. I have seen myself slip right back into my "old
self", and all the anger, hate and bitterness has returned, stronger
than ever.
I'm trying my best to develop alternative behavorial
/ self-concepts now, but I fear that the damage is too great. I don't know
how to properly heal from what feels like a very very deeply ingrained
personality, disordered or not. I feel deeply conflicted, on one hand
knowing how I'd react in the past, and on the other, not being comfortable
doing so anymore -- or worse -- being unable to stop myself and watching in
silent self-hating horror as I act out again that way.
I seem
to be (pardon the langauge) a "born asshole" -- egomanical,
unconsciously manipulating, stubborn, difficult to interact with,
inflexible and aggressive in my opinions and actions, and wrecklessly
eccentric. I always have been! I've burned bridges, sabotaged my career
almost willingly, and have alientated myself from everyone close to me. I
hate myself, but seem unable to stop this cycle of abusing others or
myself.
Much of this behaviour I can recognize now thanks to
sites like this and months of meditative depression to think about it. But
I owe so much of "who I am" to that behaviour that without it, I
am
Jul 29, 2006 10:50 AM
ghulkman :
Hello "NoHave" ...
It takes courage to admit you are
MENTALLY ILL
and want HELP !!!!
Good for YOU .... you've come to
the RIGHT place!!
Sam Vaknin, (PHD) is the originator of this site
and the author of the book entitled ...
"Malignant Self
Love" ....
BUY IT & READ IT !!!!!!!
Also, read ALL of
Sam's "Links" he gives you on
these various sites @
Suite101.com.
Please GET HELP & start becoming HEALTHY (mentally)
for the first time in your life....
"Hulk"
Jul 29, 2006 9:01 PM
Katy Guydos :
I am at my last resort. I have and admit to having Borderline Personality
Disorder. I have extremely strong symptoms that control my life. I am at
wits end and don't know what to do. Knowing I have it doesn't fix it and
the doctor's in North Idaho don't seem to know much. Medicine only seems to
help briefly. I am wondering if anyone knows of any sort of in-patient care
that would help. I fear nothing else will help and I just want to be
normal. I've read about treatments that seem to help but apparently not in
my neck of the woods. I have lost everything. My kids, my best friend of
nine years and the love of my life-after he became my boyfriend (then
things changed), my home (because he kicked me out, etc.....
I don't
want to lose what's left of my will to live.
I hate to and am
embarrassed to say these things publicly but as I said- I think I'm at my
wits end.
I am a smart, funny caring person when I can maintain
'normal' for lack of better wording. And all I want is to be that person
all the time without being the 'crazy' one too, that nobody can stand to
love or be around.
I haven't spoken to my mother since I was 16 and
always blamed her for it and accused her of abandoning me. Now I've chased
off someone I love very much with the same accusations and such. I've come
to realize how much it was me and not them. I only hope to find a way to
fix the problem before it becomes too late for my four children to have a
'normal' life and 'normal' mom.
If anyone has any ideas, help, or
suggestions please feel free to help soon.
Jul 30, 2006 9:27 AM
ghulkman :
Good Morning "Kat" ....
It takes tremendous COURAGE to
actually admit
to us here you are suffering from a VERY SERIOUS
MENTAL DISORDER that not only is ruining your
life ..... but the
lives of other's around you.
I have GREAT RESPECT for your dsire to
WANT to
get better.
Please read my post on this discussion (It's
the
#2 post to Christabel) ...... there is current
discussion on
"High Functioning BPD's" going on
that will GREATLY benefit
you !!!!!
Please "Click" on that link and welcome to the
discussion!!!!!
"Hulk"
Jul 31, 2006 7:44 PM
L. P. :
Dear Katy,
It sounds like you are at a good place to find help and
start making improvements in your life, that will benefit you and your
loved ones.
One thing I would like to say, is that while we may not
always be "normal", we can try to make improvements in our
relationships and try to understand more.
I would think that maybe
finding a professional to help you would be a good place to start. If you
can find a therapist that can work with you and help you make the changes
in your thinking, maybe give you some tools for how to deal with others,
possibly provide medication of that is something that could help. Seems
like that might be a good place to start.
I often wonder why I do not
follow my own advice, I think I can relate to you when you say it is hard
to speak openly about it.
However, the professionals that work with
these disorders are not really surprised or shocked by it all and if it can
be something that helps it might be a good place to start. Forget the
stigma and just try to make your life the best you can make of it. Hope to
hear from you again here.
Aug 2, 2006 10:23 AM
Rebecca Greene :
hi, my boyfriend has bpd and he is suicidal. he has threatened suicide and
cut and burned himself in front of me and threatens suicide if i leave him.
he needs help, but doesn't have any money for counseling. he is a
recovering drug addict also. when i go to work to support us, because he
is too depressed to work, he gets upset that i am leaving him there in his
pain alone. im at work right now and he is at home and he told me he cut
himself today and was going to do it again and that i needed to come home
immediately. i am living on the edge of my finances and i can't afford to
lose my job. this same thing happened just five days ago and i left work
to be with him but i can't keep leaving work because i'll lose my job...
but he asks what does a job matter to me if he is dead. i am terrified to
leave him because i am afraid he will kill himself, and i am madly in love
with him as well, and want desperately for him to get help so we can have
the stable life together I dreamed about. i have been reading about bpd
online just today and it fits him so perfectly, but im scared because he
doesnt want to get treatment right now even if we could afford it, he says,
and the sites say treatment is not very effective anyway. i haven't been
talking to friends or family about this because he checks my emails and so
forth, and i am afraid he will find out. i just need to know what to do
about going to work when he is flipping out and claims to be suicidal. if
i came home to find him dead, my life will be destroyed too. i just cant
keep leaving work every 3-4 days. someone please help me.
Aug 3, 2006 12:31 AM
L. P. :
Dear Scared,
there is a site for bpd. I don't know as much about that
as narcissism. I will say that you might need to get some good counseling
as to the best ways to react or not react to him. All that kind of thing
can be really manipulative and I would strongly suggest you get some
professional advice as to the best ways you can help him.
Also, I hope
that he shall not ever harm himself, but i want you to know that if he were
to do that, it is not your fault. There might be a way to find counseling
for him since he does not have any money for it. Maybe a local hospital,
women's center, police or fire department, might have that kind of
information as to where to get help.
You can't lose your job and your
life, that is not fair. You can help him but don't let him take you with
him on this self destructive path. You need to reach out to someone so you
do not carry this burden alone.
Aug 11, 2006 7:40 PM
Janet Melville :
DBT is the most HIGHLY Affective treatment for BPD. Please remember that a
diagnosis is only there to direct treatment and in the case of BPD
DBT(Dialectic Behavioural Therapy) is it. Probably some skill you could use
right now is distress tolerance.
Heres a simple excercise you can try
that helps me stay grounded when I feel like I'm losing control of my
life:
Its called 5-4-3-2-1 and what you do is
name 5
things you see
name 5 things you hear
name 5 things you
physically feel
name 4 things you see
name 4 things you
hear
nmae 4 things you physically feel and so on 3 things, 2 things
and 1 thing.
You DO NOT need to find new things every time sometimes
the redundance actually helps you refocus.
Here's a website to
find a list of dr's and therapists that treat BPD:
http://www.mhsanctuary.com/borderline/bpdlist.htm and here's a website to
find all the DBT skills that can help you while you get yourself set up
with a therapist:
http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/
and you can
also try TARA - they have lots of information: http://www.tara4bpd.org/
I hope this helps you and when all else fails just keep breathing.
You can come out the other end of the "dark scary tunnel" I know.
I've been there myself.
Take care of yourself
Aug 13, 2006 3:57 PM
catbuck :
if he hurts himself in front of you or is continually threatening suicide
you must dial 911 and let some professionals intervene. attempted suicide
is often handled by mandatory mental observation and treatment once the
authorities are contacted. you are not responsible for anyone's actions but
your own. no matter how much you care about him, you cannot let these
terrifying threats control your life...that only proves to him that the
extreme manipulation works in his favor. he needs professional treatment
and fast.
Oct 2, 2006 7:09 AM
John Koulouris,(Esq.) :
Hello;
My story is logged in 9 diary volumes, (am I ever glad
for being wise enough to do so), but I'll give you a small idea of what I
have gone through in any case, and the symptoms surrounding a BPD and/or
HPD personality.
I met her in early 1999, and she seemed to be
the ultimate "everything" any decent man would ever
want to
have met.
For the first 6 months it was awesome to say the least.
Then the first false charge was filed with the authorities, simply because
I refused to have chips with her on the couch and went to sleep.
I
was placed under court conditions not to approach her. My phone never
stopped ringing.
15-20 calls a day came in, as she begged me to go
and see her at our place. So being the
guy with a tremendous heart
and compassion for her, I broke my conditions and went to see her,
only to see her call the police on me and file charges against me again
about 5 days later, because
she had something in that Borderline/
Histrionic mind of hers that told her that I did not want to approach her
intimately.
I wrote poetry for her and published it in an
anthology, painted her nails, cooked for her, and when I was
not
collapsing from epilepsy seizures because of the stress, I was giving her
back massages 2 or 3
times a day, (45-50 minutes per session).
I kissed her sister on the cheek and received 3 hours of continuous
verbal abuse, and then got kicked out
of the house with half of my
wardrobe in a plastic bag, and the other half in the closet at home.
I am a planetary cartographer who has participated in the
JPL/NASA/ESA Solar System Exploration Missions (Galileo, Magellan, Ulysses,
MGS, and presently Cassini) in an international endeavor to map the Solar
Systems Planets and Major/Minor orbiting satellites.
I also have
submitted some 1,200 names to the International Astronomical Union for the
official
naming of Continents (terra), Plains (planitia), craters,
and other Solar System Planetary Features.
In 1992, I completed a map
of the surface of Venus (Mercator Projection) in the Greek and English
Languages, to promote the female spirit. This map has been sent to
Archives, University libraries,
Space agencies, and royal families,
and has been acknowledged. By the way, the surface of Venus
can only
be named by submitting FEMALE names. Only 1 name is masculine on the Venus
Surface,
MAXWELL Montes, which is the tallest peak on the planet
Venus and named after a Male Scientist.
This is what I
Oct 2, 2006 9:48 AM
ghulkman :
Hey "AO" ....
Very interesting post ..... sorta' like
reading a Master's Thesis.
The REALITY of MENTAL DISORDERS is that
we have to deal with those people on a
DAILY BASIS....in ALL Facets
of life.
It is NOT against the LAW to be Mentally Ill ...... nor is it
against the Law for
Mentally Ill people to HAVE kids or even
TEACH our kids in Private or Public
Schools.
Personality
Disorders ARE Mental Illness,
and should not be TAKEN or TREATED
"lightly" by ANYONE.
IF a Mental Illness is affecting you
in
ANY WAY ...... I agree .... get help for
YORSELF!!!!! There's
nothing you can do
anyway for the Mentally Afflicted unless
you
PRAY for them to get the Professional
HELP they desperately NEED.
If you see you children adversely affected by either a Mentally Ill EX
or
even OTHER Family Members ..... get a
Court Injunction (or
whatever) .... and
get them OUT of that situation ASAP.
Thanks
for your post "AO" .....
"Hulk"
Oct 2, 2006 10:02 AM
ghulkman :
Hey "Cat" .....
If he is threatening you or going to
"hurt" himself in front of you... call the Authorities with 911
and protect
YOURSELF !!!!!!
Would be BEST (if you can) to
COMPLETELY
stay away from this Individual until they can exhibit to
you that they are receiving the PROFESSIONAL care that they obviously need
!!!!!!
"Hulk"
Nov 12, 2006 11:42 PM
John Koulouris,(Esq.) :
ghulkman;
Very few people would argue that mentally-ill
individuals do not deserve to be treated with dignity. However, what I know
as a fact is that the lawyers hardly give a damn about who suffers in a
relationship where a person is mentally ill. Lawyers just want to see the
cash...Period. If you don't let them know that you are ready to sue, they
keep at it trying to make an extra dollar no matter what. I know a senior
judge, who
is in his 70's who is a friend of the family, and if you
can hear what I just stated in this posting to you from his own mouth, just
think of what goes on behind the scenes which nobody knows about.
To
make things simple, yes, I agree with you that everyone has a right to
life.
But as I said in my first posting which desctibes my experience
with a Borderline/NPD/HPD, it has reached a point where anyone can stick
anyone else in jail just for the thrill of knowing that you have fooled
everyone with the unethical and immoral lie. Now think of how a parent who
is mentally ill can contribute to their child's future when they are so
ready to deceive the law, and in the process of doing so deceive their own
self. Let me tell you how it feels when you are lying dead on a hospital
table because everyone has branded you guilty when innocent.....It
feels.....
LIKE NOTHING.
But time teaches everyone a
lesson...especially those who think that they can be a somebody by scarring
someone else for nothing.
Agatha Christie once said:
"Where money is involved, don't trust anyone"
I say:
"When the time comes that everyone shall have to cross the River Styx,
with Charon the Boatman in order to reach the Underworld, that is where the
True Judge
shall await to pass verdict."
I thank you
for your time , and for replying to my posting.
With Best
Regards, and God's Speed...
AstereionOrion (AO).
http://www.angelfire.com/space2/endevour/Album/
Nov 13, 2006 9:30 AM
ghulkman :
Hey "AO" ....
Nice to see you posting back on the
"board" here ......
You have great "Spirit" &
"Wisdom".
I TOTALLY agree with the money comment.
Also
to be added ......
The mentally disordered are STILL potentially
DANGEROUS until they are successfully TREATED (Which doesn't happen too
often, unfortunately) ....
"Hulk"
Nov 19, 2006 8:58 PM
pc :
Please understand that your boyfriend is manipulating you. I'm saying this
because I've experienced this as well. My boyfriend of two years and I had
a rocky (at best relationship). He continually threatened suicide, even
after my brother's recent suicide. It's called emotional manipulation, and
he's using it to control you. Does he "restrict" you from going
out with friends, ever accuse you of cheating on him? His life is HIS
responsibility, especially the decision to get help. Since your boyfriend
doesn't make any income, he may qualify for mental health, that's free
therapy. You should call and talk to them. It's important to encourage him
to get help, encourage his family to help, but also not let him control you
by his actions. I've been through many cuttings, overdoses, and other
attempts, and this is the man I wanted to marry. It is painful but
sometimes you do all you can and that's all you can do. I hope everything
goes well for you.
Nov 20, 2006 9:43 AM
ghulkman :
Hey "Scared" ....
What you are describing to me is a
person suffering AT LEAST from
Borderline Personality Disorder of
the
"Low Functioning" type.
Do a "Yahoo" or
"Google" search about
Low Functioning vs. High Functioning
BPD
and just start READING!!!!!
Sorry .... there is really
NOTHING you can do for him at this point.
BE CAREFUL & take care
of YOURSELF!!!!
"Hulk"
Nov 24, 2006 4:54 AM
christie girouard :
Hello John aka AstereionOrion,
I have been a contributor to the
High Functioning BPD discussion for several months. I was humbled by your
story, and feel compelled to share some thoughts with you.
Your
recollections of being falsely accused and arrested are familiar to me.
However, my reenactment would find the accusors as my parents. At 18 I was
arrested while walking down the street with my German Shepard for
destroying valuable antique furniture. Years of histrionics by my mother
found me climbing into the back of the cruiser complacent and calm. It was
all way too typical and familiar. Just one more chapter in my life born to
a woman who lived by a code of histrionics, hallucenations and mental
illness. As a child, I was powerless to evoke change. I just needed to
survive.
To date, I am about to turn 50. I am married blissfully
to my second husband and am the mother of 3 beautiful children. My 21 year
old is a high functioning borderline. I no longer permit or tolerate any
form of abuse. Not from anyone...not even my own child.
I have
created very clear and present boundaries. I am careful about having
expectations. When my counselor asked me, "What do you want for your
daughter?" I replied that I only wanted for her to be happy. "Be
mindful of that." was her answer, "For you are wishing her your
version of happiness."
John, we can wish things for other
people, but they have to want it for themselves. Our truest power is
within. Power that comes by our own choices. Not by what others choose for
us.
I have distanced with love. Letting go doesn't mean you
don't care. I love my daughter with all my heart, but I won't go down a
path of destruction trying to prove it. She knows it is here for the
taking. It is up to her to want to come and get it. I don't live my life
waiting, however. There is great beauty in seizing life and all of its
blessings. I am so grateful for the journey and the path that brought to
this moment. I have found my peace. I pray you find yours.
Love,
Christabel
22 Comments
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